To add to the above, the problem was that it was very hard to "stay in the moment" while ML because I was trying so hard to prevent various negative/uncomfortable thoughts from breaking through. Therefore, *anything* which caused me to lose that focus on ML--even if it was just a gentle "consultation" from my H--caused me to lose the moment (and any momentum that had built up).
To add to the above, the problem was that it was very hard to "stay in the moment" while ML because I was trying so hard to prevent various negative/uncomfortable thoughts from breaking through. Therefore, *anything* which caused me to lose that focus on ML--even if it was just a gentle "consultation" from my H--caused me to lose the moment (and any momentum that had built up).
WOW, that is interesting. Thank you for sharing that. I will have to think about that. That must have been a real tightrope that your husband had to walk.... don't hesitate on his part and yet don't do anything to push you over the emotional edge. That could cause some real performance anxiety problems in the bedroom for a man.
As to FIL he was hiding in the basement most of the time with his hobbies after he retired. Literally, he would go down to the basement to work with woodworking or metal working tools all day and after dinner or he would spend much of the day outdside doing yardwork or in a greenhouse. He was in the house but for all purposes "gone."
My wife was really emotionally abandoned by both her parents. In additional as I said I think that there was some real emotional abuse from my MIL. The MIL was committed by her husband to an alcohol recovery program a couple of times. I would also not be surprised if MIL didn't say negative things about her husband and "men" in general to my wife, when my wife was a little girl.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
It seemed to me that your description of giving a lengthy massage to your W, after which she--disappointingly--only pulled you into missionary-position sex, was an example of her doing a minimum in order to stay in the moment herself.
So, your W grew up observing first hand a SSM, meaning that on some degree that's where her childhood comfort level was set.
What caused your MIL to hate men, sex, etc, so desperately?
So, your W grew up observing first hand a SSM, meaning that on some degree that's where her childhood comfort level was set.
What caused your MIL to hate men, sex, etc, so desperately?
I have no idea, nor does my wife of why her mother was so oriented. I am sure that the two of them (MIL and FIL) had their reasons.
However, when I dated my wife and we were first married, my wife's "comfort" level was at a much higher level than it is now, otherwise, I would have never gotten married, which may be exactly why it was higher than than now or it could have naturally changed over the years. I will leave that for our sex therapist to help us work out.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
YaH, it sounds as though there are many positives in your situation--the fact that things were so much better for some time, the excellent sex therapist you've found, your determination to change yourself and your M, and your obvious love and compassion for your W. I hope you both find happiness (again).
I really wanted your opinion here, and thought this was better than starting a new thread.
I recently switched careers. I have been teaching High School for almost 2 years. I used to be a "computer nerd".
Last night, my wife told me how much she hates my new job and how much a waste of time my education has been.
I really think that she might equate manual labor and "guy" jobs with manliness. She just might consider education and "not tough" jobs a turn off. (ie keep your banker and gimme a lumberjack)
She told me that she has no respect for my new profession (which I love). I think that this could be a real part of the problem.
Could a woman ever be attracted to a man that has a profession that she considers to be the equivalent of a hairdresser?
SpinFree...personally, I find teachers can be very manly and very sexy, so I don't really get your wife's position. However...since she came out and told you this, you really need to listen to whatever her real feelings are. It could very well be that it is something else about your job that is bothering her than simply lack of manliness. Did she say any more specifics?
To be a real manly man about it, you should sit her down and say "hey babe, regarding your revelation to me the other night about how you have no respect for my new position, I'd like to open a dialog about it and get into your head a little bit. I'd like to know exactly what you don't like about my new job so we can see if there are any changes I can make, or if I am just doomed to be unrespected by you for as long as I'm working. I do care about your opinion, so I'd like to discuss this".
Then lead her into a conversation about it. If she will take the bait, let her ramble on about it for a bit while you nod and use "hmmm" and "umm hmmm" sounds. Just let her speak. She will likely at first start off with "well I don't know its just so this and that" and give generalities. She may not get to the root of her feelings until she's talked for a little while. But eventually if you keep prompting her for more information, she'll likely open up to the truth.
You may find out something really weird, like that her real problem with your job is that you are around hot young high school girls all day and she doesn't trust your eyes not to wander. I'm not saying that as an insult, but many young girls dress just too sexy and don't seem to have parents who tell them to cover up their boobs and asses when they are in public, and grown women can feel very anxious about this. Not that she is jealous per se, just that it may annoy her. Same as if maybe your wife were a college foot ball coach and spend time around these strapping young men all day, catch my drift? It may annoy you on some level.
Or maybe it is something else entirely, like what you actually teach in high school. Maybe you teach drama and she has never had any respect for that type of art.
Or maybe she actually does respect your position, but something else in your demeanor is what is bothering her. Maybe you are too close to your students in general and she feels it makes you behave immaturely (ie: talking about what music they are listening to or telling her stories that the kids told you when you get home).
If you don't know for sure exactly why she disrespects your profession, you need to find out. Make sure when you open this dialog that you don't act defensively about whatever she says. This is a fact finding mission for you at first. This is not your chance to defend yourself. It is truly getting into her head to see you as she sees you so you can then work within yourself to correct her view of you.
After she talks, take whatever hints you have about it with you for later personal reflection, don't respond just yet. Just thank her for her honesty, don't act hurt or mopey about it (no matter what she says or if it does hurt you), and tell her that as her husband, you will work toward gaining her respect because you deserve it and she deserves to have a husband she can be proud of. Then put the topic to bed for now. Don't bring up other topics, instead change the subject entirely or go do something else...but don't do any escaping...do something with her or something she cannot view as you escaping from what she said...the key is to appear confident and not mopey...like she can't hurt you with what she said. One thing that is very hard for a woman to do when she feels her man isn't being manly, is to try to tell him this and then he gets all hurt about it, which just reinforces her point in her mind.
Be prepared for anything she might say. Don't assume you know what is on her mind (unless she's already told you and you didn't tell us that in your post).
SpinFree...I also just went and read one of your threads, the one about losing weight and boundaries.
I know several people told you in that thread that she sounds like a scary beeotch, and you said that her friends describe her that way, too.
However, from what I read in that thread, you are contributing to the volatile atmosphere just as much as she is. Of course, I only read that one thread, but honestly, you both sound like scary beeotches to me. No offense, just giving you my perspective.
You both sound like you really need some marital help or you are headed for divorce. When you get to the point where you are both blaming each other and neither of you sees the destruction you are causing, you are nearly doomed by then.
How are things lately? I don't know any more about your sitch than that one thread and this post above.
When I wrote the weight loss thread, that was the angriest that I have been in our marriage. I had stood by her through unbelievable body changes. I had given up all exercise and diet to try and make her happy and now she's upset because *I'm* fat? F her. It was the mother of all deal breakers. She really understands that now. I still feel that way. She has been instrumental in my weight gain. I ate what she cooked, but she complained about my healthy diet and exercise constantly.
I really talked to her about the job. I listened.
1) She doesn't like all the time that I have to spend on my career. She feels that I am choosing my career over her. Right now there just isn't a choice. My career involves a lot of start up investment that won't be there next year. (I can't give too many details here, it would be too revealing.)
2) She doesn't like that I'm now one of the workers not one of the bosses. I don't get to move the meeting. The admin moves the meeting.
I know that she's feeling neglected, she's said that. She feels that I've neglected the kids. I have.
Now comes some very low level mind reading.
I think she's feeling jealous since her last job ended in disaster (fired) and she has been unemployed for eight months. She won't explore this.
I think at least some of this goes to control issues. She can't talk me into moving the meeting if I'm not in control of the meeting. She can't tell me not to do the work when the work has to be done.
Spin Free, can you tell me straight up: do you love your wife and are you willing to do anything to get back romantic love in your marriage?
If not, if you are not willing to do ANYTHING it takes, then it likely won't happen.
If you are not willing, that's ok. I'm not asking the question because you should or shouldn't be willing. It's up to you. How much value do you place on being happily married again? Is it your top priority in life?
