!Help! Need Advice and encouragement!

[stark648]

I did have some other craziness to report. W has often been talking about finishing re-doing the girls' bedroom.(paint/designs/stencils still need finishing--she got started before/during affair craziness)

She never actually finished the kitchen re-do or the girls' old re-do from years ago (I helped on both, but they were always 'her' projects.

Then the other day, she was telling daughter-15 she thought she would paint living room AND MASTER bedroom also!? Daughter asked "Why? you don't even live here, anymore...' She said, "Oh, I always wanted to repaint them both (which she did). I was just always trying to get her to FINISH one or two projects at a time. Daughter calls her the "cuckoo lady" now.

What do you suppose that's about? ---guilt? Maybe trying to leave on a good note?

[stark648]

Yes, I was sorry I pulled up my own account.

As her "friend", it shows me what she posts. She deleted it from there or something later, but I don't really need to even look at my own facebook acct. I also got curious as to what she was thinking because we don't really even talk anymore.

She still keeps coming over and sometimes fixes dinner for kids(takes some with her), or gets more clothes-or furniture, etc.--or sometimes picks kids up from school or drops them off. I am going to tell her we need scheduling on visits and change the door locks.

She has told me what furniture she wants, and that is fine, but today she didn't even tell me she was going to move it, and she was playing on my computer. I also think OM helped her move furniture when she assured me she would never bring him here!!--not that she ever lies or anything--(right.)

The computer at OM's house doesn't work so well, or no internet or something. Anyways, she shouldn't just pop in and use one of mine whenever she feels like it! --or make dinner because food is scarce at her "OM paradise hotel".

I know she will say I'm trying to keep her from HER girls, but I think it's harder on them right now. (I talked to them first, and they agreed) They get their hopes up they will see her, or she will visit, or stay longer, then she doesn't show or call or pay any attention to them. Visits need to be scheduled and cleared with me, I think. She doesn't live here anymore--she can't just come and go as she pleases!

I also think she needs to realize what she is leaving---the girls and family AND even the other less important, but still nice, little things like food, computers, bills being paid, etc.)

Separation is what it is ---not come by anytime she feels like it and I'm not home and leave before I get home. What do you all think???

Every time she's been here and moves stuff, I get this funky violated feeling--not that I don't want all of that stuff out of here, but it just feels weird.

[sandi2]

Hi Stark, glad to see an update. You wanted me to take a look at page 3. Guess you just want an opinion, maybe?

First of all, I agree with the others about the FB. It is taking the higher ground by not posting something to her about her mixed up "Christian" values, but try to think of her as acting very "high schoolish" and that you are the mature one here. I get frustrated at some people (like your W) who apparently have their own waky idea of what sin is and what being in God's will is. But that gives you a picture of how fogged her brain is. I have talked to people who are not a WAS and found out that many have their own standards and some of it is crazy. Have you noticed how on TV these days that the most jaded movie star (for enxample) may die and everyone just assumes he/she is accepted into heaven? Well.....guess I better not get off into a lot of doctrine, but it goes to show just how little people know.

My daughters are getting baptized Sunday-

So happy to hear this! I hope the thing with their mom doesn't screw their belief up too much.

she posted about how "Jesus died for all of us" and she's not afraid to "take center stage for Jesus"--

Well, she is right about the first part, but I'm not sure what she means about taking center stage for Jesus. If you've heard that expression before, and the correct meaning behind it...I would be interested in knowing what it. But, yes your W has convinced herself the God has no problem with what she's doing. I believe that God gives His wayward children time to get things in their life straight--and start living like they should....but after a time and we refuse to do it, then things can come crashing down. She is in for a rude awakening.

I don't have false hopes she will have a change of heart, or anything,

Prayer has a lot of power behind it when it is for unselfish motives. Pray and trust God to put just the right words in the Pastor's message that would convict your W's heart of what she's doing. My problem was always keeping myself out of God's business. I wanted to help Him! But God will do more through other people's words to reach your W, more than yours. B/c she is tuned out to you and is resentful toward you, so she won't listen to you. That takes your faith and your patience to trust God to reach her through others.

Don't be surprised if she goes to Church acting like "Sister Christian" b/c she will not want any guilt to show. She will try to put up a big front. However, only God will read her heart.

My daughters are trying to get me to shop for a new Mama.

There are probably a couple of reasons behind that. They don't want their mother "replaced", but they just want the pain to stop (for them and for you) and they want things to be like a normal home again. They want to see you happy, too, and think this is the answer. You will have to address the issue with them and explain that it doesn't exactly work that way.

I want to caution you about rebound realtionships. So many second M's do not work out b/c it was a rebound. If you have a second M, you sure want it to be the real thing. I just do not believe people fall in & out of love that fast. I always shudder whenever I see a anyone get M right after one of them is newly divorced. Take your time. There is a lot of fun in being single and dating. No use in being in any hurry to have a M right away. Besides, you are far from being over your M to your W and it would not be fair to another woman, right?

[stark648]

Thank You!!

Yes, you are so right on everything you said.

Unfortunately, I do get in God's way and try to help Him do things---usually because He does things in His time, not mine.

Can't my will be His will? (not being serious, I am criticizing my own

The pastor's message was really something, but some of the time, the W was trying to distract my 10yr old (playing with her hand, whispering, etc.)--W also seemed like the Holy Spirit was making her a little uncomfortable, if you know what I mean.

I rather put a stop to that discreetly and motioned d10 to pay attention and I put my arm around her.

My d-15 was quietly crying during some of the sermon--W kept pestering me as to why.

I finally whispered in Wife's ear that d was upset because it was like we were a family again, but she knew we really weren't. Wife gave me a dirty look, but I just ignored it and was listening to sermon. (I kept an arm around each of my girls)

W was later crying a little during the actual baptism--not sure if just emotional, or what.

Wife had lost more weight and was looking really good, but her eyes looked very strange, like she was pained, or her soul was not there, or something.(kinda like stoned) I don't think she was on any pain meds or anything. Any insights? It was like she wasn't her self in her eyes.


Later, I called wife and told her we were changing visiting things around. She was no longer going to sometimes pick-up/take kids to school, or sometimes stay a few minutes, or not show up, or come take furniture, clothes, use computer, or generally come and go whenever she pleased.

I told her it was scheduled visits only, like regular separated/divorced couples do. I also changed the locks and told her so. It was too hard on the girls the way she was previously doing it--- like a tease or a disappointment with a roller-coaster effect on them.

It was really weird the way she responded to everything I said---I was authoritatively telling her how it was going to be, and she listened and responded almost like one of the kids (or her old self) in deferrence to my authority. I actually think she liked my taking full charge of the situation and I must admit, I felt more empowered and less of a victim.

Today she wanted to schedule getting some stuff Thursday, to which I agreed, but I told her she would have to be there before I left for work in the AM so she could get in. She was kinda shocked I had already changed the locks! She said, "What time do I need to be there?"--in a very

She was also wanting her motorcycle, which I said she could have as soon as she got insurance and we transferred title. I don't want her as a liability!

I also griped at her about her not getting our son(her son, my stepson, and he's living with her and OM)-- to school like she needs to be doing. I said I was afraid he would fail. She assured me she was working on it.

The sitch is a slight bit better now, like she is not "in control" in such a squirrely way as she has been.

Strangely enough, "controlling" is one thing she was complaining about (I really was not so controlling, she had a lot of free rein to do as she pleased---kinda obvious now)

Anyways, I think she LIKES my taking control of the whole sitch.

Things do not look like any better for our M; she is in love w/OM--but maybe, just maybe, SOMETHING good is happening. I do keep praying alllllll the time.

Her "eye-thing" really kinda bugs me though---they were half-closed and she seemed rather detached from herself or even almost evil. I wish I could see her eyes lately since I have been "taking charge"--I wonder if they are different, now??

[sandi2]

It was really weird the way she responded to everything I said---I was authoritatively telling her how it was going to be, and she listened and responded almost like one of the kids

I have tried to explain that to some LBH's b/c it is very much like dealing with a rebelious teenager. That is why you have to be strong and use tough love. I have never seen a case where the LBH made any headway by being anything less than a firm leader. As long as you know you are doing the right thing and do it to the best of your ability, then you leave the rest up to God.

As for the eye thing.....as the old saying goes, "the eyes are the window to the soul". Her behavior in church was really bad, and I have seen people do that very thing. She would not admit it, but she felt uncomfortable and that is why she was trying to stay distracted.

She is not herself and there is no telling how long it may be before she finds herself again....if ever. I just hope she will come out of the fog before she ruins her life and her children's.

Oh, be careful about griping about your stepson. Unless you have adopted him, she may remind you that you can't tell her what to do where he is concerned. I understand you worrying, but wanted to tell you to be careful in that department.

[stark648]

I have hope that time without the contact with the girls will have a strong effect on her. She can't have the same-type family relationship with them (or me) that she's been seeking while we are not a family.

Maybe that realization will at least throw some doubt about the wisdom of her choices. She was actually spending more time with them during this separation. however, the time has been less than quality, and I hope/think she may be realizing this to some extent.

She and I cannot have the close sister-brother-best-friend type connection we previously enjoyed at this point. Earlier on, I had tried to "act as if" and it helped with us communicating, but I think it was giving her the idea she could keep me as her good buddy and still do what she wants to do. I'm not being cold, however, I do not want to give her that impression, or she won't really be losing anything.

I had also told her she could stay here at the house some weekends to visit. I told her, "I've got places I can be, people I can stay with for the whole weekend."

I also demanded that I get to see my son-16 on a weekend or something. (She liked that also)

I also told her I wanted every other weekend or so kid-free for me, so I can do my things. She said just let her know whenever.

I am putting my foot down on all these things listed above. I am setting up boundaries, with probably more to follow...

My stepson16,stepdaughter15 and even the wife call me the kid's "one true Daddy". When I talk about the son, she hears me talking about OUR son, not her stepson. But I will be careful. It is a criticism of how she is screwing up her responsibilities on her end. I would swear she liked the "reprimand" on some levels as well, and concurred his schooling is so important.

Like you say, the time factor is really what makes it so hard...

At some point, I think she will get "down" on herself and realize the true source of her unhappiness is within her. I truly hope and pray she will realize this before she gets pregnant.

Other people tell her "they know" about her boyfriend---and she takes it to mean they knew the two of them "were in love" and a perfect match.

I wish I could know how long before she comes to some clarity, or if she even will, and that would make it easier to persevere.

What are the first-type slight indications that the fog/love/relationship w/OM might be coming to an end? I would be encouraged to see any sort of sign. All I hear now is more plans of how to make this move more permanent by moving more stuff over to OM's house.

[sandi2]

I have hope that time without the contact with the girls will have a strong effect on her. She can't have the same-type family relationship with them (or me) that she's been seeking while we are not a family.

That is part of the "loss" that she needs to experience. It will take time b/c right now she is trying to show the girls that everything is going to be just lovely. That is why she was spending extra time with them, but it has already slowed down and it will probably continue to change.

She and I cannot have the close sister-brother-best-friend type connection we previously enjoyed at this point. Earlier on, I had tried to "act as if" and it helped with us communicating, but I think it was giving her the idea she could keep me as her good buddy and still do what she wants to do. I'm not being cold, however, I do not want to give her that impression, or she won't really be losing anything.

Exactly! Besides, you don't want to be her "brother" or even her buddy. You want to be her lover & husband. That was the thing that really shocked me was when my H told me that we would not have a buddy-buddy R if I left. He even said that it would not be that type of R if I stayed b/c we would be H & W.

Acting "as if" is not suppose to allow the WAS to cake eat. That is the fine line that a lot of newcomers has a problem with. They don't know how to be friend-ly without being BFF. It's not the same.

There is a difference in acting cold and being "firm" and strong in your speech and actions. She really needs to see you being strong, firm, & confident. You can do that and maintain a degree of friendliness (as long as she responds right) but you don't act giddy about it.

I had also told her she could stay here at the house some weekends to visit. I told her, "I've got places I can be, people I can stay with for the whole weekend."

Why are you making it easy on her? Did you say that b/c of her staying with OM? If you had a RO against OM then she could not take the girls around him, right? She would have to find somewhere else to visit with them. Why should you have to find somewhere to be on weekends so that she can be there? What if you want to have friends over for a cookout or something? See what I mean? You don't want to be a jerk (and perhaps this suggestion sounds rather "jerky") but this has to be hard for her. If you do not have leagal adoption where the kids are concerned, then you don't have much to stand on with a RO, etc. In fact, you probably need to get legal advise about the stepkids.

I am putting my foot down on all these things listed above. I am setting up boundaries, with probably more to follow...

That's good.

[Steve McQueen]

What are the first-type slight indications that the fog/love/relationship w/OM might be coming to an end? I would be encouraged to see any sort of sign.

this is the last thing you should concern yourself with. your wife is in love with and living and sleeping with another man.
terms like "fog" "alien abduction" "mid-life crisis" are just nice pretty ways to say you have been dumped.

if you can approach it with that in mind and realize it is probably for the best and there is nothing really to grieve over you can begin to attack this in a more productive manner.

Whats the best thing to do when someone dumps you? stop talking to them. forget about them. move on with your life in a positive direction. give yourself a month or two (30 - 60 days) of no contact. stop contacting them. ignore their calls and emails. do everything you can to move in the opposite direction from them, like a new job, new hobbies, new friends, in fact find yourself someone you are compatiable with (a buddy) for companionship and conversation.

when they contact you, and they will (noone likes to get dumped not even the cheaters), carry yourself in a manner that is remarkable and memorable. Because getting rid of your arguing, cheating, good-for-nothing-but-a-heart-ache lover was the best thing that could have ever happened to you.

Quit worrying about what they are doing. I will tell you honestly they are having fun, the best time of their life. Why, shouldnt you to? They are not stressing over love chemicals and co-dependecy conversations. Why are you? The sooner you stop the sooner you can get on enjoying your life.

[stark648]

The reasons I was going to let her stay at the house were:

>> b/c d15 doesn't want to go over to OM's house.

>> show her I have people I can stay with (dates, friends,
etc?)

>> let her enjoy the things we have at the house that she doesn't have at OM's house and see what she's missing.

I believe I will change my mind on that, however, and not make it easy on her--- like you say, Sandi.

As far as moving on because I've been "dumped", I actually am doing that as best as I can. I will start more dating, but I am not sure if going out with the twenty-something hottie from work is the best move. (but it might be fun)

Wife might get pregnant, which is a pattern for her and relationships---THAT PART REALLY HURTS--so I am TRYING to just assume our M is over, and move on--

My stepson-16 is living over there-and is promised OM's old truck, all the Monster drinks he can handle, late nights all he wants, etc...so he is pretty much sold on staying there.(in more ways than one)

My stepdaughter15 did not like the bum before the affair/relationship, and positively doesn't want to see him.

She really wants me to adopt her, and I am planning on doing just that. One of the reasons is because during some of d15-wife fights, W had threatened d15 with making d15 come to OM's house, OR calling her butt-head biological father in New York and having him come get her to live with him. Wife cusses and calls her some bad names and says really ugly things when they argue (I have not been present during those arguments)

Previously, I had tried to keep them both talking civilly, but now I think as much separation as possible is good-(especially because they are on good speaking terms right now--W needs to miss her)

My d10 is both of ours' daughter---she wants to go over there to see Mom. It had really disturbed her before,(seeing her Mom kissing and cuddling OM), but she is missing her Mom so much, I don't think she cares as much now. I am not sure if it is okay or not for her to go over there, really.

I have stuck with my wife through a lot of times (that usually involved drinking and/or crazy behavior)--but I don't know if I can stand this one for six mos. or two years or forever---

The singles/dating idea/scene just seems to make me sad --I used to date a lot before I got married, but I'm not very excited about it, now...

I am trying to do what God wants me to do--but I can't see the road and I'm not sure I'm on the right path. I'm trying to have faith.

[stark648]

The reasons I was going to let her stay at the house were:

>> b/c d15 doesn't want to go over to OM's house.

>> show her I have people I can stay with (dates, friends,
etc?)

>> let her enjoy the things we have at the house that she doesn't have at OM's house and see what she's missing.

I believe I will change my mind on that, however, and not make it easy on her--- like you say, Sandi.

As far as moving on because I've been "dumped", I actually am doing that as best as I can. I will start more dating, but I am not sure if going out with the twenty-something hottie from work is the best move. (but it might be fun)

Wife might get pregnant, which is a pattern for her and relationships---THAT PART REALLY HURTS--so I am TRYING to just assume our M is over, and move on--

My stepson-16 is living over there-and is promised OM's old truck, all the Monster drinks he can handle, late nights all he wants, etc...so he is pretty much sold on staying there.(in more ways than one)

My stepdaughter15 did not like the bum before the affair/relationship, and positively doesn't want to see him.

She really wants me to adopt her, and I am planning on doing just that. One of the reasons is because during some of d15-wife fights, W had threatened d15 with making d15 come to OM's house, OR calling her butt-head biological father in New York and having him come get her to live with him. Wife cusses and calls her some bad names and says really ugly things when they argue (I have not been present during those arguments)

Previously, I had tried to keep them both talking civilly, but now I think as much separation as possible is good-(especially because they are on good speaking terms right now--W needs to miss her)

My d10 is both of ours' daughter---she wants to go over there to see Mom. It had really disturbed her before,(seeing her Mom kissing and cuddling OM), but she is missing her Mom so much, I don't think she cares as much now. I am not sure if it is okay or not for her to go over there, really.

I have stuck with my wife through a lot of times (that usually involved drinking and/or crazy behavior)--but I don't know if I can stand this one for six mos. or two years or forever---

The singles/dating idea/scene just seems to make me sad --I used to date a lot before I got married, but I'm not very excited about it, now...

I am trying to do what God wants me to do--but I can't see the road and I'm not sure I'm on the right path. I'm trying to have faith.
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