I do NOT consider you a WA. No. You escaped! This man was incredibly abusive and destructive my dear.
Thank God you are away from him.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
1) I decided I was officially home today. I made my family's spaghetti sauce for the first time since leaving H, and D17 and I had a wonderful rigatoni dinner. I also managed to burn myself when the sauce splattered- rather typical, Bunny is known for being a klutz and hurting herself... (My finger still hurts- it blistered immediately. That sauce is d@mn hot!) I made enough to put in the freezer for four more dinners.
2) I got a serious knot in my stomach while reading the thread about the web-cam/cyber-sex activities. I was caught off-guard by the strong reactions to it- I think it pointed out my warped sense of reality. As part of our "open" sex-life, I did web-cam activities or sex-chatted with these unseen guys with H's knowledge and encouragement- sometimes he even joined me on cam to put on a show. I know that nobody was saying anything about me, but I had a sense of shame while reading the responses: "a disgusting act", "degenerate, depraved behavior"- yikes, ouch... Another reminder that our M was not normal. Why the he!! did I go along with that? I don't even remember how some of this stuff started- I was rather fogged out myself. A different kind of fog, but fog nonetheless.
Try not to beat yourself up too much. Yes, you were in a fog, a controlling fog. In order to survive mentally and emotionally, you had to see the abnormal as normal. People in abusive situations adopt that point of view as a survival mechanism.
Now that you have some time away from the sitch, it's easier--and safer--to see the truth. You're working towards a new, healthier normal.
It doesn't matter what you did, you are a beautiful, smart, valuable person. You can't change the past, you can only write today, so put your energy there.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Also, posters on this board are not the final arbiters of what is moral and correct, nor what kind of behavior is equivalent to what. Is webcam sex the same as in-the-same-bed sex? There is no universal answer to that, only opinions.
When you have enough distance from the manipulative relationship that was clouding your judgment, then you will be able to feel some confidence in deciding these things for yourself, according to your own moral code.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
What SDFoundGirl said. That was a wonderful post, so go back and read it, or print it out.
Bunny, these behaviors were abhorrent to you from the beginning. I remember you saying you were scared, had to drink first, and then finally vomited. Even your body knew that this was wrong for you.
A lot of us have things that we look back on with a tremendous amount of shame. The fact that you feel bad proves that you are getting healthier every day.
And so many of us are so very proud of you because once you made up your mind, you followed through and took action to make your life better.
