Young-at-Heart, I wanted to get back to something you said:
...Is there a possibility that your W was sexually abused? The degree of her emotional flooding, etc, seems extreme for just growing up in a sexually repressive household.
Thank you very much for you sharing and insights as someone who has been there.
I would not be surprised if my wife was verbally/emotionally abused, especially by her mother, growing up. I don't know, but strongly suspect that a verbal abuse by her mother and a mother who did not exhibit affection to either her husband or children along with a lot of negatives about sex being something good girls didn't do is the source of much of my wife's problems. When my children were small I protected them from too much contact with my wife's parents. Had I ever suspected any form of sexual abuse might have gone on, I would have never allowed my children anywhere near their grandparents.
When my wife was younger, driven by her own youthful hormones, a desire to leave her parents home and get married, plus later a desire to have children, did result in several years of sexual passion on her part toward me. I realize that children and things I have not done over the years helped to cause my wife to withdraw from me.
Quote:
...I was in the same situation as your W for much of the early years in our M. I agree, at that time I couldn't have coped with my H behaving like an alpha male--especially because sex sometimes triggered flashbacks to episodes of abuse that I'd never consciously allowed to surface, which I would then (unfairly) blame on his actions.
HOWEVER, the sort of sex where my H wanted to know if *this* touch felt all right or not, or what I wanted him to do next DURING sex was a complete and utter turn-off. It made it impossible to feel that I was a sexy woman being ravished by her man--which, now that I've moved past all the abuse, is what turns me on. Perhaps if these things had been discussed outside the bedroom they might have been acceptable, but when they intruded into the bedroom, they made it impossible to feel any passion. It was as though my H was reduced from a confident man to a pimply teenager asking, "Is it okay if I touch your breasts?"....
I appreciate your suggestions above. I think that there is a difference (to me at least) between being completely tentative throughout the act of making love and being sensitive and consultative in regards to initiating love making (and/or when to stop). Having stepped on a number of emotional landmines, I am also aware of what many of my wife's "off-buttons" are when ML occurs. Your advice to separating fear inducing and stressful discussions from the bed where you want to have positive interactions is good and something stressed by many.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
