Vacillating husband

[newmama]

Ok time to stop reassuring him...he is saying it to get you to give him attention,feel sorry for him, etc. Next time he says that say "I'm sorry you feel that way." (nothing more) and see what he does!


Check out that Bitches book- it is not just about being assertive...in fact that was one of 20 things in there...

Hang in there this week- it does feel like you are on the Twilight Zone, I know. But who knows what life will be like for you in 6 months or a year so get through this week first!

[Wholeagain]

I am curious about that Bitches book. Which one is it?

[Vulcanized]

NM,

The bitches book should be here 2moro or so. I think at this point all I am going to say is "Sorry you feel that way" or "I can see why you feel that way". I keep trying to make H get that I assume responsibility for my feelings / thoughts / actions.

I have so little to say to H at this point. Getting ready to move things out, walk in on H w/stupid grin on his face, texting OW. Told him to call phone co. to get me off his family plan, then walked out. I'm so pissed - but I said nothing.

[Vulcanized]

Surprisingly enough, hear back from mutual friend [MF].

MF apparently is also concerned about H. Have tentative plans to go meet w/him w/in the next day or so to discuss the sitch w/suicide threats.

I have tried to get H to address depression for over a year, to no avail. Hope that MF can get thru to H.

H tonight acting very, very, very melancholy. I'm afraid that he may do something stupid.

[talia]

Ruined,
Take a step back. You need to detach more before you can even consider trying to DB or help H. You NEED to go NC - stop making decisions based on how they will affect H - he no longer deserves that consideration. HE is cheating, HE wants D, HE hit you, HE does not respect you. GET OUT - GET A THERAPIST - GET A LIFE!!

Time for you to STOP - let me repeat - STOP thinking about how your behavior will affect H's depression. If NC makes him more depressed that's the path he needs to walk alone - if he threatens suicide to you again CALL THE POLICE. They will assess the situation and it has nothing to do with you - if they feel he needs to be held for his own safety - they will do so. Have your talk with MF and then leave it alone. Its not your battle to fight - H will have to realize himself that he has a problem - just like an addict.

I agree with newmama - he's just looking for attention from you to make himself feel better. He's projecting his feelings about ruining his own life on to you feeling that way about him - just brush it off. He's going to say WAY worse things as this goes. NONE of it has anything to do with you in actuality... Keep telling yourself.. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME... These are H's choices - none of it is actually personal. He's not doing it TO YOU - He's doing it to HIMSELF. That mantra has helped me alot in this situation.

Remember the best thing you can do for a WAS is to drop the rope and "give them what they want". Agree to D - but don't do anything - start dating (but don't do anything ) - Move on for yourself mentally - Get into IC ASAP - GAL.... Move away from H and see what happens.

I love your goals - I'd like to see your post when you figure out your DBing goals as well. I think the other goals are FANTASTIC for your long term PMA.


Get back on track - You are doing well so far!!

T

[Vulcanized]

Ruined,
Take a step back. You need to detach more before you can even consider trying to DB or help H. You NEED to go NC - stop making decisions based on how they will affect H - he no longer deserves that consideration. HE is cheating, HE wants D, HE hit you, HE does not respect you. GET OUT - GET A THERAPIST - GET A LIFE!!

I was actually doing pretty well w/being detached. I fully intend NC after the last of my stuff is out of the house. Should be Mon or Tues. The last bought of NC was extremely good for my sanity, not so much his. Only had a few tough days. At this point, think it will be easier.

I have been in IC since the bomb. Having had lifelong depression issues myself, I called IC immediately. Have been seeing her for 5+ months now. Did not want this to bring on another major depressive episode.

GAL - got plenty in mind for that. Volunteering at animal shelter, back to school, setting up new apt, gym, re-opening my business, dating, back to single-gal book-worm-ism.

Time for you to STOP - let me repeat - STOP thinking about how your behavior will affect H's depression. If NC makes him more depressed that's the path he needs to walk alone - if he threatens suicide to you again CALL THE POLICE. They will assess the situation and it has nothing to do with you - if they feel he needs to be held for his own safety - they will do so. Have your talk with MF and then leave it alone. Its not your battle to fight - H will have to realize himself that he has a problem - just like an addict.

I'm going to talk w/MF. I can't watch over H. MF will be totally apprised of the sitch. Judging by response I got from MF, he may also be concerned. H, MF & I had mutual friend who committed suicide over the summer and it set off a chain reaction in our lives. MF may be looking at H and seeing similarities. Don't know, but I can't be on suicide watch w/H.

I have my own days feeling suicidal, but have dealt w/depression and suicide attempts since childhood. I have a back-up plan in place, should the thought become serious consideration. I don't think H is as experienced dealing w/d & thoughts of suicide.

I agree with newmama - he's just looking for attention from you to make himself feel better. He's projecting his feelings about ruining his own life on to you feeling that way about him - just brush it off. He's going to say WAY worse things as this goes. NONE of it has anything to do with you in actuality... Keep telling yourself.. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME... These are H's choices - none of it is actually personal. He's not doing it TO YOU - He's doing it to HIMSELF. That mantra has helped me alot in this situation.

Thanks, T. I kept saying that to myself the other day. He screamed some truly heinous $hit at me, and there are a few things ringing in my head. Keep trying not to internalize/take it personally, but it's hard. Particularly the ones that actually do have some truth to them. [[ouch]]

Remember the best thing you can do for a WAS is to drop the rope and "give them what they want". Agree to D - but don't do anything - start dating (but don't do anything ) - Move on for yourself mentally - Get into IC ASAP - GAL.... Move away from H and see what happens.

The last month, have told H that he is free to get this rolling, am not fighting it, perhaps a clean slate is the best b-day gift I can get, this is for the best, it has to be this way. And these things are all true, as sad as that is. It wasn't a dime-store attempt at reverse psychology, just the truth in my head/heart. How on earth can I possibly want to be w/him when he's w/OW? Said to him 'I don't want to be friends w/somebody who isn't my friend'. Can't be much clearer than that.

I already decided to start dating. It's been 6 months already. H has been involved w/OW for 7 months [that I know about]. It's high time for me to move forward. H is somebody else's BF and my H on paper only. Decided that I'm not going to think about/obsess over H/M for at least a month. My business got trashed over the last 6 months, fully throwing myself back into it. It was my pride and joy, and kept my sanity as M was falling apart. Once again, it will once again help me keep my sanity.

I love your goals - I'd like to see your post when you figure out your DBing goals as well. I think the other goals are FANTASTIC for your long term PMA.


Get back on track - You are doing well so far!!

T

Thank you so much for your input. At this point, my only DB goals are NC, and me, me, me!

[gardengirl72]

RNM,

WOW! I just finished reading your sitch from beginning to now. I think you are doing a great job! I just started posting, and could 'feel' your loneliness while you were waiting for responses.

I, too, am dealing with a depressed H who doesn't think he is. However, my H is perfectly fine with just being separated...he doesn't want a D. He, too, is also saying 'it's not her!'

I could really relate to what robx wrote about pushing the OW towards H. I feel that is what I need to do.

Anyway, RNM, I just wanted to tell you, I was feeling down today and after reading all your posts and seeing the strength you have...you gave me strength!!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU,....gg

[Vulcanized]

RNM,

WOW! I just finished reading your sitch from beginning to now. I think you are doing a great job! I just started posting, and could 'feel' your loneliness while you were waiting for responses.

Sometimes it's hard. There was a thread I was reading that was getting a lot of responses, and the poster seemed to pretty much ignore all the good advice he was getting. Thought 'hey, I'm trying hard here, why not me, boo hoo hoo, whoa is me' ...

I, too, am dealing with a depressed H who doesn't think he is. However, my H is perfectly fine with just being separated...he doesn't want a D. He, too, is also saying 'it's not her!'

I could really relate to what robx wrote about pushing the OW towards H. I feel that is what I need to do.

RX is an astute dude. I give his posts heavier consideration. Not just my sitch, but generally. I think his advice regarding H & OW is spot on. What else can I do? My H is OW's BF. So, as they say - 'don't let the door hit you in the a$$ on the way out'. Guess it boils down to self respect vs. M/H. It's a no-brainer, but emotionally gets a little sticky. Ugh.

Anyway, RNM, I just wanted to tell you, I was feeling down today and after reading all your posts and seeing the strength you have...you gave me strength!!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU,....gg

GG, thank you. That is really kind of you. I'm glad that I can help you feel strong.

At the moment, regarding H/M, I feel like the weakest, most ineffectual sad-sack. Regarding me - I know that I will get thru, survive and thrive. And you, like everyone else here, will survive and be better at the end of the journey, whatever that may be.

[talia]

Ruined,
Quick note - gobs advice around here typically mean you are NOT doing things the way you need to! You can infer that a lack of advice means you are on the right track!! Not a HUGE consolation but you get the idea.

Its OK to have weak moments... last time I check you are HUMAN... Right? Give yourself a break! Its alot to take in and the grieving process takes tons of time. You will slide through all the phases more than once - and stay in each one for periods of time - some times you will get stuck in more than one at a time - its all OK. Feel everything for what it is - honor the feelings. Just don't let them guide your decision making!

You are going to be ok - and we are here to help!!

T

[Vulcanized]

Thanks, T!

You know how it goes - this is the first thing you think of upon waking and the last as you fall asleep.

Trying to refrain from talking about this to my RL friends, cause they are prolly bored as hell! This board is such a huge source of solace, comfort and information.

I thank God for each & every one of you.