I want to make sure I am not practicing psychology without a license but as spouses we are the ones who witness this stuff first hand. A couple of things struck me with what you shared. The split personality thing. I often said I was married to two women. She can be such a sweetheart, so loving and unselfish and then can get triggered. She goes into a hyperactive state where she is talking nonstop, saying innapproriate things-it's like she's posssesed. Sometimes she can't even associate the behavior when I bring it up, can't explain it. Then when alcohol is involved (usually is) she can get angry. She was arrested for getting in a fight at a club. She is overly sensitive to people talking bad about her almost a paranoid reaction. She seems extraordinarily insecure. She has been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder related to childhood sexual abuse. Also thought it was Bipolar but she doesn't "cycle". Her mania seems to be triggered and doesn't last as long as symptoms I have read for that disorder. Your H had this in his adolescence? Has it continued consistently or does it appear to be triggered? If it's the latter it sounds more like it could be the trauma suffered. Might be Dad's death or something else that he may never admit to. I know it is very hard for survivors of sexual abuse to deal with their trauma often times they do not show any signs of it until later in life when it can be triggered by event such as a relationship reaching a deep and intimate stage (i.e. like trying to have children or when children reach the age of the time of their abuse)As you can see I have done a lot studying on this particular subject but it also runs into manifesting into other personality disorders. The reply to my forum post suggested that my wife might have Histrionic Personality Disorder and I remember looking at that when I was trying to understand her diagnosis and her trauma but I figured she is seeing a doctor and a doctor knows better than me. I do think she could have HPD. It occurs with overly attractive people (my wife is a model) and they have found correlation with childhood sexual abuse.
What is most important which was the advice given here to me (by marriedcrazy) is that you take care of you. Even if he has a PD it does not excuse his behavior and your being a victim of it. Just like my W. The most important thing is taking charge of going dark and his contact with you and, how you feel. Don't let him bully you. Words are worthless. I can show you about 15 different communications from my W over our R that promise that she will do better. The A was the last straw.
Don't waste any time here. You need to see action not words. You will know what it takes to convince you to stay and that will be born out in his action and commitment. Otherwise there is nothing to talk about and no reason to answer even his texts or threats (yes it is a threat) to come over. He is trying to control the sitch. What is the down side? He will renew his affair? Then you have your answer quicker.
Nothing will be different until he is consistent in his behavior and commitment. What does that look like? I don't know I haven't seen it yet but I think I'll know when I do. We have to trust this process I think.
Truegritter
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
