Hmmmm. A sitter he doesn't object to might help, but the thing that jumped out to me is that you're basically asking him for permission to do whatever because he knows you need him to watch S and he's taking that as an opportunity to throw his weight around and give you a hard time about it.
What if you were to approach it as you have a commitment for the time in question. Those plans are firm. You're not asking him to watch S so you can do whatever it is you are doing, but rather letting him know you have plans and giving him the heads up on if he would like to switch (or maybe even add time to--like in this case instead of switching mon & tues. to add mon with the planned tues visit) days and have S while you're out or if that doesn't work for him, then you will have gladly arrange for Sally the wonder babysitter watch S. Cue robot wife smile. LOL
I know I've hard about some D agreements that have a clause of first right of refusal in regards to the kids and "babysitting". That the parent who doesn't have physical custody of the kids for this time is supposed to let the other parent know of times they need child care and that parent has the option of having the kids rather than needing to use a babysitter. The one parent isn't necessary asking permission from the other to do whatever their plans are, but is offering up this "free" block of time with the kids if they'd like to (or can) take advantage of it. And if he starts going off the deep end, I wouldn't keep repeating yourself, just take it as a "no" and tell him that it's ok, and you'll call Sally ASAP and take care of it. And then act as if the conversation is done.
And I'm sure you're right about timing. Would this maybe be something to bring up in MC? That you don't want to tie him to your schedule and understand it's not fair, just as it's not fair for him to do the same, so how should we handle this when one of us needs, for whatever reason, to deviate from the status quo schedule?
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Thank you freckle. I am going to follow your advice. I guess I am in a way asking for permission because I"m trying to do things differently this time. In the past, H agreed to all my rehearsal schedules then ended up resenting it. THen when he left, he stopped being around much at all wen I was in rehearsal. Then my S had too much babysitter time so I quit. He kind of forced my hand.
In the past when he was more interested in reconsiliation, he had voiced that he would like me to have more babysitters on hand to give him some freedom. I'm doing what he requested so I was surprised that he was stuck in the past. It would be nice for him to see that I"m trying to work this out but I can't expect that right now. I have to keep setting boundaries.
I think he has trouble setting his own boundaries so it's easier to try to control me. I like how you said to come from a place of offering the time to him, instead of expecting it. I don't expect it, but he is going to put these words into my mouth to avoid a reasonable schedule talk. I tried to say these things last night but my MC reminds me I can't get through to him when he's blowing up. So I will clam up and take care of it as long as he's throwing his fit.
I emailed three college students off of craigslist so I'm covering it.
OMG I just realized - H is trying to paint it that I'm controlling his schedule so he can justify his anger and play the victim. He literally tried to convince me that I was lying to him and trying to lock up his life. What a baby.
He sounds rigid and compulsive. It's not just a trigger because of the past, I bet. But because he is rigid and compulsive about schedules. Yet that being the case, why didn't he read it?
It's also rigid and compulsive not to allow others to babysit.
Whatever you do, pick the best time of the day to do it and have your one sentence "let's talk about this when we both feel more calm" ready.
H4L: I think he has trouble setting his own boundaries so it's easier to try to control me.
Yes.
I hate to say this, but he may be too messed up NOT to make an issue out of this play at this time unless you arrange for babysitters. Whether it's 1 or 3 nights a week, he can always get resentful for having to arrange around it and say YOU control his schedule by having a life.
This might be too much to handle too soon. I don't know.
No, it's not fair. I'm taking a realistic perspective. Yet I also understand you are setting future precedents. Hard one.
Yep rigid and compulsive. But has no problem asking me to be flexible. I"m lining up the babysitters because obviously he is not as willing to work with me as he said he was.
right the "it was a miscommunication" thing has worked in the past. Sometimes not when he's all paranoid and accusatory like this. For me, though it makes the most sense. On the surface, it was a miscommunication. There are many deeper issues there too but until he can talk about those maturely, not going to go there now.
I know that one thing that I've dealt with endlessly with H is that he is not realistic about the finite nature of time and energy. When I've taken on work commitments and asked him if this is OK (because it means him being flexible instead of me all the time) he always says yes. But then he punishes me because he can't actually do everything he wants to do and be more flexible for me. He doesn't want to say "no" but he can't be realistic that a time commitment means not doing other things. So I can really relate to what you're going through with this.
(((H4L)))
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
OMG I just realized - H is trying to paint it that I'm controlling his schedule so he can justify his anger and play the victim. He literally tried to convince me that I was lying to him and trying to lock up his life. What a baby.
That's it exactly. He runs with a, "Hey, would you be able to switch from Tues to Mon because I have something to do Monday?" and turns it into you controlling him so he bites back harder trying to control you by throwing a tantrum/saying no.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
