I think I'd rather be dead than this- WAW

[GH31]

Quart9,

How are you getting on son?

Let us all know how things are.

best,
GH31

[crushed_v95]

quart, are you still around?

just thinking about you... sending some love.

[Quart9]

"I knew you would eventually find out about him. He and I talked about it and we discussed how much it would hurt you once you found out, but WE decided that it would be ok."

My W said this to me the night that I confronted her about OM back in Jan and it has resonated in me ever since. She had been talking to OM for about a month and a half at that point. I don't see how in that time such a bond could grow between them that my WIFE was making decisions with ANOTHER MAN that would impact me and our marriage. That's cold bro.

I haven't posted in a few of days. I have done some real soul searching. I took Gnosis's advice and re-read my sitch and tried to be objective about it. I read a lot of things that I didn't pay that much attention to before. I imagined that if I were another person reading this thread I would be saying, "what is this guy's problem - he's pathetic - he really needs to move on and GAL."

So I sat down and wrote out a pros and cons list like Gnosis suggested. Here's a rant on some of the things that that list showed me:

I can't live like this anymore. I don't want her out of my life and I still want to be married to her, but she basically treats me like a 2nd class citizen and I'm tired of it. I'm better than that and I need to recognize that her actions show me that she is truly "done" with me and our marriage.

I envy people on here that can forgive their spouses for cheating and having affairs, and I MIGHT be able to forgive my W one day but it won't be anytime soon. My W's mindset is: once she took off her rings and got me outta our apartment she was single again and she has been living like this for almost 3 months now. In her warped sense of being single she feels her sole responsibility is to take care of her happiness and this means it is ok to date and sleep with OM even if they are both still married. There are no consequenses for her really! She doesn't care if she looses me- I'm not the bread winner, we don't have kids, and there's no property to deal with. Worst case scenerio she has to pay me spousal support and that is not guaranteed. With all of that said it doesn't really matter if I forgive her.

The bottom line is she has done the best she can to detach from me. She's never shown any hint of interest in reconciling with me and I need to accept that.

My filing for D will not make my heartache feel better and it won't make me miss her less. If anything it will simply free me to move on with my life and try to redirect my focus where it needs to be - doing well in school and becoming more desirable for someone who would want to be with me. So my options are:

1.stay in this situation and be miserable indefinitely or until she decides to file
2.file for D and be miserable for how ever long miserable lasts and do my best to get over it and move on. Maybe we'll be together again someday or maybe not.

I have an appointent with my attorney tomorrow and I'm gonna go with option 2. I'm gonna talk to my attorney to find out if exposing her and OM would put me at any more risk of receiving a RO or not receiving spousal support. If not, I'm going to come home and let the exposure begin.

[GH31]

"I knew you would eventually find out about him. He and I talked about it and we discussed how much it would hurt you once you found out, but WE decided that it would be ok."

Brother,

I heard the exact words from my own wife on 26th February 2008 when I discovered OM waiting for her at an airport. She had no idea I would be there and when she saw me, the look on her face said 1000 words. OM scarpered before I saw him and I had a one hour chat with W. The worst day of my life, ever.

Sorry for this mate, I really am.

My W's mindset is: once she took off her rings and got me outta our apartment she was single again and she has been living like this for almost 3 months now. In her warped sense of being single she feels her sole responsibility is to take care of her happiness and this means it is ok to date and sleep with OM even if they are both still married.

Mine was exactly the same.

This, and all of the other situations I see on here are like watching the same movie over and over again.

Option 2 is the only option for you Quart9. You have to take martial law of your life and be the one calling the shots. Know that six months or one year from now, with the help of people here and elsewhere, you will be in a much better place.

GH31

[Quart9]

Thank you GH31. I had to look up scarpered BTW -haha! Yes I know how those "chats" go. The chat that I had with my W that night was the worst one for me. I couldn't believe she could be so matter of fact when it came to telling me how she wanted to be with him and there was no chance for her and I. I was in such shock. At one point I had to get up and walk away from the table. When I came back she was sitting there emotionless sipping her beer - like we had just been talking about the weather or something.

Yep it is crazy how a lot of the sitch's on here are so similar. Different characters, different circustances, but so often the same story with unfortunate common endings.

I have tried to put myself in my wife's shoes. I understand how feelings change but I don't understand how someone you have known so long, been through so much with, and shared so much with can turn into someone you don't even know, treat you so coldly, and drop you so easily to pursue another.

I have been praying today that I am making the right decision to file for the D. I have been rounding up the necessary docs and filling out the needed paper work this morning. Only a couple of hours now before I meet with the L.

I know I should not have done this but I sent her a text last night to tell her good night in the way I used to. No response from her of course, but I kinda looked at it as the last time I might do so for a while/maybe ever.

[GH31]

G'day Quart9,

The chat that I had with my W that night was the worst one for me. I couldn't believe she could be so matter of fact when it came to telling me how she wanted to be with him and there was no chance for her and I. I was in such shock. At one point I had to get up and walk away from the table. When I came back she was sitting there emotionless sipping her beer - like we had just been talking about the weather or something.

Yep. This all sounds so very familiar.

I have tried to put myself in my wife's shoes. I understand how feelings change but I don't understand how someone you have known so long, been through so much with, and shared so much with can turn into someone you don't even know, treat you so coldly, and drop you so easily to pursue another.

Quart9, one of the hardest things for us to grasp when we're dealing with the shock, agony and betrayal is that an affair is a drug in the cheater's blood. It literally makes them high on drugs and takes away their sound judgment, decision making ability and empathy for others' suffering.

Cheating wives literally become radically different beings.

Your wife is now in no fit state to be your wife and won't be for some time. If you have any contact with her you will leave every interaction scratching your head wondering how someone could be so cruel and it will eat you alive.

Addiction is the reason they behave the way they do.

When my own W was in the throes of her adultery I insulated myself from contact with her as much as possible, even moving back to Australia - 10,000 miles from where this all was taking place. I had no contact with her at all for nearly a month - the first two weeks were agony and things started to slowly get better one day at a time thereafter. Read up on Dr. Willard Harley's "Plan B" - that is, complete severance of all contact with your spouse until they stop their affair.

I have been praying today that I am making the right decision to file for the D. I have been rounding up the necessary docs and filling out the needed paper work this morning. Only a couple of hours now before I meet with the L.

Mate, based on everything you've told us in your sitch, it is the right decision. You're hurting and bewildered at the moment and will be for a while. The soundness of your decision will become more apparent to you after the fact and with time.

Please stay as dark as you can. You're injured and need to protect yourself for now.

Take care,
GH31

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I have tried to put myself in my wife's shoes. I understand how feelings change but I don't understand how someone you have known so long, been through so much with, and shared so much with can turn into someone you don't even know, treat you so coldly, and drop you so easily to pursue another.

Two words: BRAIN CHEMICALS.

If you haven't done so already, do some Googling on "PEAs" "love addiction" "brain chemicals" etc. It's what made an otherwise sane, intelligent female astronaut drive from TX to FL wearing adult diapers, rather than stop at rest areas, so she could get there a tiny bit sooner to "avenge her man."

Powerful, powerful stuff.

Puppy

[Quart9]

I gotcha GH31 and Puppy Dog. Phenylethylamine (PEA). Thank you for this - its like a light bulb has gone off for me! This chemical release is what is affecting her AND I right now. She feels this for him. I guess it was triggered in her when she met him on the cruise and it fueled why she wanted to contact him after she got back. From what I read, this chemical creates the infatuation or obsession that a person feels when they *gulp* fall in love. I suppose that's why she sent him (and probably still does) 50 text msgs a day. Ultimately, I guess its what pushed her to have sex with him no matter the circumstances. And my actions definitely were creating PEA in her...

On the other side of the coin its been triggered in me in the form of withdrawl. "The desperate need for finding that person or regaining a lost love can destroy all other parts of life, create chaos, tension and anxieties and threat life itself when chronic grief turns into suicidal thoughts." This fits me to the T. I've been told 100 times on here by you guys and my friends/family to GAL - not because I just need to move one but because I HAVE TO in order to move on. Easier said than done but education helps.

[Quart9]

Gh31- I visited Dr. Willard Harley's website. I read about plan "A" and plan "B." He says that plan B typically needs a positive plan A experience for it to be attractive after plan B has been put into place. In a round about way I did disclose a plan A to her, but I'm not sure it was portrayed appropriately enough to be attractive to her - haha.

I'm still checking out that "other" site and will continue to do so - a lot of great info there.

My L drew up all of the paperwork for me today. She gave it to me to take to the CH and file. I can apply for a filing fee waiver and save $ this way.

I asked L if there could be any negative impact to me exposing. She said it would only make me look like and a$$ by doing so. She said that if I did it and my W made a comment in court like, "he told my boyfriend's W that we were having an affair..." the judge may also view me as an a$$ and not be so willing to grant me spousal support. When the L said this I kinda laughed and wondered if she heard what she just said ("he told my boyfriends's W we were have'n and affair" -haha), but her opinion/experience make my concern antenna go up (what doesn't concern me right?).

I really feel a need to expose though. I want to expose to my MIL, BIL, one of W's friends that I am close to (he may know already but I want him to know I know and I want to hear what he has to say about it), and to OMW.

I could always wait until the spousal support thing gets going but it seems that the more time that passes the less impact exposing will have. Also, I think exposing before she gets served would look less pathetic on my part.

[MrBond]

Just expose to the OMW. She deserves to know. Not the others. When you start exposing to family, they are going to side with your W guaranteed because they are her blood.