It is so hard going dark when he keeps contacting me!!!! He sent me a text saying he was coming over tonight to talk.. I didn't respond.. then another text.. we really need to talk. I cannot change the locks and I didn't want him coming to the house. I responded. "nothing to talk about but thanks". He said that "I told u u were right about my recklessness. told u it was over with her & no more time was needed. is that not good enuff?". Then another text after I didn't respond "are you saying you are no longer interested in trying?". Do I not respond?
His lease is up at the end of March. He cannnot come home either way. I am not ready for any of this. What do I tell him? I don't want to give him "permission" to keep his apartment..he might take it to mean "carry on your affair". I do like the feeling of feeling more in control.
Truegritter- what are your wife's symptoms? my husband's family and I have been searching the internet for answers. We think borderline personality disorder.. but then maybe perhaps a MLC. His father died when he was 16 years old. His mother is very loving..almost too loving. He was always treated like royalty. He always got his way- super spoiled to a fault. When his father died- his mother did everything possible to make things transparent to the kids. The kids were not even at the hospital when he died- his mother kept it from them that he was so sick (leukemia). My husband has broken down several times (after too much to drink) and cried about his father. He had an ideal childhood up until this point. His sister is so well adjusted...his mother rarely talks about his father. I don't know if this has anything to do with anything.
His mother did tell me his father was moody- but not as moody as my husband. His father's mother was undiagnosed (bipolar)- they didnt really diagnose mental illness back then but apparently all the signs were there. My husband was awful during puberty..mood swings, irritability, anger, depression. His mood swings typically last hours- not days. The slightest 'slight' will trigger it. He has a very fragile ego at times. That is where the 'walking on eggshells' come into play. He is very charming when he is not acting like a spoiled, irritable brat. It truly feels like he has two personalities at times.
I also notice some narcissistic tendencies. As I mentioned- my husband would 'never' do anything that he didn't want to do. He was so used to getting his way. I am pretty laid back so it worked fairly well with us. He told me after I found about his affair that "i never put him on a pedastool like his mother and sister did". He was a great football player, very bright, and now very successful...and consequently some times arrogant. He will criticize other people to make himself feel better. He thinks he is much smarter than others..you would think that this situation would introduce some humility into his non humble personality.
Right before he started the affair...we were discussing having children and tried for two months.. then decided that we liked our lives too much and weren't ready to give anything up. At that time- he also made partner at his firm. My therapist thinks that the unexpected success of his promotion and the increasing stress of his job triggered a crisis in him (even though symptoms existed before this). There is this sense of 'entitlement'. When I think that something could be 'mentally' wrong with him.. I feel more patient...but it is becoming easier to believe that he is just innately selfish and self centered. He has never been a self-less man. But he truly goes from dispair to cold back to charming and funny. It is difficult to be around.
Pearlharbr- my husband traded in filet for chopped meat lol. She is very strange looking, tatooed all over, uneducated and older. My husband has always been very conservative...by the book and some what of a prude at times. I am very pretty, young, take good care of myself, skinny (maybe too skinny right now with all this stress), was a great wife to him (did all household things like cooking and cleaning while holding a very good job). I too can be very conservative although definitely have a wild side and like to have fun- but always in check. It is confusing and it is kind of an ego blow- good thing I have great friends that I can go out with and get an ego boost when needed.
I cannot believe he had the nerve to ask for an extension to continue seeing this OW. He is delusional. Puppy- contacted the lawyer but waiting for a return email. I will let you know what advice I am given.
It is nice to discuss these details without hearing "get rid of the son of a bit**" or "you are and have always been too good for him".. It isn't what I need right now. I take my marriage and commitment seriously. I want to give up on my marriage because I believe it is over- not because of anger or ego.
...and now another text "was kind of an important question..do i not even deserve the courtesy of a reply". What are the rules around this???? ; ) ...and now my phone is ringing- he is trying to call. what to do....
..and another call to my cell phone.. and now an email saying 'hello?'. I need to address the question "are you saying you are no longer interested in trying?". I don't want to give him an impression either way. I think he has known throughout all this that I am a committed loyal person. I think I need to have him on his toes...so a very 'carefully worded' response is necessary.
Agreeing with Truegritter. People having affairs usually cheat down. It's not about you, it's about WAS making themselves feel good the easiest way possible. OW in my sitch wasn't as bad as yours but she's definitely not at my level--she'd had affairs with two other married men that I knew of, was a lot less attractive, and not nearly as smart. And this is from others' perspectives, not just mine. What she was: a drinker, a smoker, and easy.
My wife's OM was 28 (my wife was 47), heavy, HEAVY acne (I nicknamed him "The Pimple," or just "Pimple"), lived at home with his parents, and drove a beat-up old small pick-up truck with the side-view mirror broken off. When my voice recordings turned up him telling my wife "I know I'm a 'catch' . . ." one nite, I almost blew my dinner.
One afternoon, when I had my "P.I. angel" following him for me, as I thought they were about to do a hook-up and I was trying to get some intel, my angel called me from her cellphone and told me "I just had to tell you this, cuz I think it'll maybe help put a smile on your day. I'm sitting behind this guy at the red light, and he's looking up in his rear-view mirror, and he's popping a zit!"
..and another call to my cell phone.. and now an email saying 'hello?'. I need to address the question "are you saying you are no longer interested in trying?". I don't want to give him an impression either way.
Sorry, Lola -- just saw your urgent posts, and here I am telling "popping zit" stories.
I don't think there's any response necessary, but if you want to, maybe say "I'm no longer sure what I want, but I'm not prepared to talk about it yet. Still have some details to pull together, and I'll need a few more days."
the pimple story is hysterial!!! what are they thinking??? are they thinking?? Logical people behaving so illogically- it really is so hard to understand. Shock therapy may be in order...if it isn't already too late.
So now I am being harrassed- I sent the response you suggested... and now have 4 missed phone calls on work phone and 2 missed calls on cell phone and two emails... "what does pull details together mean". He is scrambling... just so strange. Again- do I respond?
I want to make sure I am not practicing psychology without a license but as spouses we are the ones who witness this stuff first hand. A couple of things struck me with what you shared. The split personality thing. I often said I was married to two women. She can be such a sweetheart, so loving and unselfish and then can get triggered. She goes into a hyperactive state where she is talking nonstop, saying innapproriate things-it's like she's posssesed. Sometimes she can't even associate the behavior when I bring it up, can't explain it. Then when alcohol is involved (usually is) she can get angry. She was arrested for getting in a fight at a club. She is overly sensitive to people talking bad about her almost a paranoid reaction. She seems extraordinarily insecure. She has been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder related to childhood sexual abuse. Also thought it was Bipolar but she doesn't "cycle". Her mania seems to be triggered and doesn't last as long as symptoms I have read for that disorder. Your H had this in his adolescence? Has it continued consistently or does it appear to be triggered? If it's the latter it sounds more like it could be the trauma suffered. Might be Dad's death or something else that he may never admit to. I know it is very hard for survivors of sexual abuse to deal with their trauma often times they do not show any signs of it until later in life when it can be triggered by event such as a relationship reaching a deep and intimate stage (i.e. like trying to have children or when children reach the age of the time of their abuse)As you can see I have done a lot studying on this particular subject but it also runs into manifesting into other personality disorders. The reply to my forum post suggested that my wife might have Histrionic Personality Disorder and I remember looking at that when I was trying to understand her diagnosis and her trauma but I figured she is seeing a doctor and a doctor knows better than me. I do think she could have HPD. It occurs with overly attractive people (my wife is a model) and they have found correlation with childhood sexual abuse.
What is most important which was the advice given here to me (by marriedcrazy) is that you take care of you. Even if he has a PD it does not excuse his behavior and your being a victim of it. Just like my W. The most important thing is taking charge of going dark and his contact with you and, how you feel. Don't let him bully you. Words are worthless. I can show you about 15 different communications from my W over our R that promise that she will do better. The A was the last straw.
Don't waste any time here. You need to see action not words. You will know what it takes to convince you to stay and that will be born out in his action and commitment. Otherwise there is nothing to talk about and no reason to answer even his texts or threats (yes it is a threat) to come over. He is trying to control the sitch. What is the down side? He will renew his affair? Then you have your answer quicker.
Nothing will be different until he is consistent in his behavior and commitment. What does that look like? I don't know I haven't seen it yet but I think I'll know when I do. We have to trust this process I think.
Truegritter
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
