turns out my H isn't feeling well and we rescheduled. i told him i may be able to find some time sunday to catch up with him, but we'll see. i think he's overwhelmed with stress at work and also has to move out of the office he and his business partner set up because they can no longer afford it.
Congratulations on continuing to consider his side of things, while still planning your life around your own needs! If you hadn't, it would be sooo easy to make many false (or correct) but unhelpful assumptions about why he cancelled. Your offer being tentative also reminds him that he has chosen to have some distance, while being polite and encouraging.
TTA, do you think that his problems staying focused on the R is too much work for you to handle? I'm asking for my own sitch, because today my W was mentioning how she felt I didn't give her enough attention when she spoke, which made her feel I saw her ideas as a waste of time to hear. I guess what I'm trying to ask is that while there are pros to ADHD spouses, are the cons something you choose to deal with and then can, or is it more like a tolerance level that you think you are born with or not.
BTW - when do you leave for your trip to a rebuilding New Orleans?
one of the best pieces of advise i've read about being a non-adhd married to an adhd spouse is that you just have to be married to the right person. i was already a pretty patient person going into my M but living with my H and dealing with the way he navigates a conversation has made me even MORE patient. i do get upset from time to time if i'm talking about something important to me and his response has nothing to do with what i'm talking about, but i've also learned not to take it personally because i know he IS listening to me, but he's just not processing information the way i do. i could get upset about that, but it would be a waste of time. hopefully your wife can realise that you don't think her ideas are a waste of time to hear, but it may also take a little extra work from you to make her feel like you DO hear her.
trust me, when i'm talking to my H about a family problem or something going on at work and he responds with, "you know, we really need to get an oil change" or "i just realised i forgot to send that email to my boss today," it stings a little. imagine if your wife responded to your conversations that way. i know it's not necessarily done on purpose or to be hurtful, but even without the intent to hurt, it still hurts just the same. but i do think it also has a lot to do with tolerance level. like i said, i am very patient. and i also have a desire to understand more about the way he thinks and the way his brain works. i will tell you, as someone without adhd, it's very hard to understand that your partner's brain doesn't work the same way yours does. if he interrupts me, why does he get to say it's because his brain is wired that way and he just doesn't filter out that conversation doesn't work that way? if i interrupt, i'm just rude. you see what i mean? so i've worked hard to get a grasp on what it means to have and operate on an adhd brain.
but i also think that the spouse with adhd needs to work equally as hard to understand the needs/feelings of the non-adhd spouse. like i said, it's all about being married to the right person.
i leave on saturday for my service trip. i'm really looking forward to it!
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
so i finally met up with my H last night. we have had some form of communication on a daily basis for at least the last 2 weeks, but it was the first time i'd seen him physically in a week.
friday i went to my cousins and had a really nice time and my H wanted to possibly meet up saturday night but i told him i had plans with my girls. we went to an art opening and then to get dinner, which was also a really good time. saturday morning my H moved out of his office (the consulting firm he and his business partner run on top of their normal 9-5 jobs) so it was a hard morning for him. he texted that he felt like a failure since his business venture hadn't panned out. i wrote back and told him that success wasn't only defined one way and that i'd always been proud of his motivation and drive to have the career that he wants. but i know it was still a hard day for him and it was difficult for me to not reach out and meet his emotional needs - so i guess that was a 180 for me, to not try and make him feel better. i just said i understood how he felt and that i was sorry he and his business partner had to move out.
saturday was also a hard day for me because i ended up at my parent's house and my sister was also there and i sort of got into a fight with my mom (typical) which turned into a "family forum" where my mom went on about how my H was not a husband, how there was no way on earth he'd ever loved me, how he would never be welcome in the family again, and how she was ready for me to cut my losses and move on. did my best to set boundaries and told them all i respected their opinions and they were all entitled to their feelings but that i was dealing with things in a way that i felt was best for ME and i just needed their support in whatever i chose to do.
sunday went to church with my girlfriends and had a call with my new life coach...who suggested that i try a therapist! i had to laugh at that. i'm thinking maybe she's right. going to look into that. my H is seeing his counselor once a week now, and they are exploring some of his past and trying to uncover the root of some of his behavior patterns. don't think that means anything would change, but at least he's making the effort to see what's beneath the surface.
it was good to see him for dinner, we tried a new place which was nice and we had plenty to talk about. we laughed some and i talked about my upcoming service trip, which i think he has mixed feelings about. he said he was jealous that i was doing it, that it wasn't just something i said i was going to do, but that i was actually doing it. so. i guess i am proving that i am a woman of my word. it was hard for him to drop me off at my apartment so he could head back to his. we called it a night early and he cried when he hugged me goodbye. he said he thinks about me and about us so much it's getting to be detremental to his productivity at work. not much i can do about that. but it's nice to know i'm thought of.
so. no expectations. if i see him this week before i leave, great. if not, i have a week in new orleans to look forward to that will keep a smile on my face.
thanks again to everyone for your thoughts and great advice. maybe i will get the hang of all of this one of these days.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
The stuff you've written about sure sounds like some pretty powerful emotions from him - if it isn't love, what else would drive him to tear up as he hugs you and drops you off? Threatening that someone wouldn't have a place in someone's house is pretty rough. Do you feel that you could (or should) have acted on your boundaries earlier, before the conversation got to deep, or was it all in your face at once?
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who suggested that i try a therapist!
For what?
RE your Hs IC, I've found that understanding where my thoughts might be coming from are helpful because then I don't "blame" my W for how I might be feeling at a given time - it makes it more possible to accept responsibility for how I act.
Caution? It also makes me remember some of my dreams and goals I had that I shoveled under during the first part of my R. If he's got a good IC or good friends, he'll be reminded about the benefits of the R over those dreams (which are just dreams, not necessarily facts).
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he said he thinks about me and about us so much it's getting to be detremental to his productivity at work.
Wow - do I ever get that. ADHD means hyperfocus, too. I'm trying to cut back, but I feel like if I can't get the M working now, I do NOT want to drag it out for a year of "maybes". I'm always surprised that some people on these boards are still separated two or more years on. The need to solve M problems make work seem so trivial. What is more important - the person you sleep next to in a R, or a job? The job has needs, too, but it is hard to get the dopamine there~
well, my mom is a all at once kind of attacker. once she feels the need to tell me her opinion, not even the hoover damn could keep her emotions back. she is going to tell you what she thinks and you are going to sit there and listen. period, end of story. after she was done i told her that while i respected her opinions, i didn't need to hear about what an a$$ she thinks my H is right now and that was most of the reason why i'd stopped calling as much. i said, if you let up on that, i'll call more. plan and simple. i guess she just feels like anyone that could leave me 2 times could never actually love me. my H said to me last night before we parted ways that my family will "always hate" him. i said, they won't always hate you...but they will never understand you the way that i do. they are not very quick forgives. my mother especially. ESPECIALLY if she's already told you that if you do something again, she'll never forgive you. that's just how she operates. three strikes YOU ARE OUT. no questions asked.
my coach suggested therapy because she said i have some issues i need to work through before i can "move forward" with my healing process. i guess her thought is that i'd just be sweeping some things under the rug or trying to build something on top of an unstable foundation if i don't explore these things with a professional. thankfully my insurance will help me cover the expense, so hopefully i can find someone i click with. i am a BIG FAN of therapy!
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
Have you ever thought about a 180 with mom where she starts attacking him and you got up and left the room?
Based on what you said, I'd wonder if your mom has, perhaps, told your H that she doesn't care for him before this separation round. If that is the case, and it might not be, I doubt a H (any man, not just him) can feel great visiting your family with you if he isn't sure you'd stand up for him. My parents/sister have complaints about my W and me both. When they talk about any of us, though, it is usually with respect for the person. My mom made it really clear that she doesn't think my W should drive (ever) because she can't follow directions. That isn't the same as if she said, "give up on hoping your W will learn or trying to teach her". I need our moms/others pointing out what we don't want to see...but there has to be a limit, I think.
i think for sure that in the event that my H wanted to work things out, he would have a very hard road not only with me, but with my family as well. my mother has already assured me that if i let him back into my life, there is no way to convince her that this will not happen again. she has PROMISED me he would leave again and again. when my mother has a complaint, respect is out the door. my dad is a little more on the rational side and my sister has said she'd support whatever my decision is, but yeah, my mom has pretty much wiped her hands of my M and my H and has already told me to move on. i said, mom, would you like me to file for D tomorrow and go on a date next week? what am i doing right now if i'm not working on moving forward?
trust me, OTM, if i had a dollar for every time i walked away from one of my mother's rants...i could retire by now. she is rock steady in her approach and there is NO STOPPING HER once she gets going. she'd follow me to the next room just so that i can continue to hear what she has to say. because SHE IS RIGHT. always.
ugggggggggggggggh.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
on my mother? of course i have. when she calls me and gets going, i literally put the phone down and walk away and when i come back, she's still going on and on and has no idea i've even put the phone down. she amazes me with her persistance for making her voice and opinions heard. even when NO ONE wants to hear them and even when you ask her specifically to not say anything. leaving the room doesn't help. she follows. or she will just pick up the conversation later when you're back in the room.
i'm telling you, look up the word bull-headed, stubborn or blockhead in the dictionary, there is a picture of my mom under all those entries.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
It seems like you and I have some common themes. I'm a little older than you but my hubby's the same age as yours and he walked out too, only it was a lot longer ago! But I'm still actively DB-ing and keeping the faith!
Anyway, though my H hasn't said it in so many words, I know his perception that my family hates him for doing this to me is a factor that's really hurting our chances for reconciliation. If I ever have the chance - for example, if he every says something directly about my family holding an eternal grudge - I plan to totally let him know that I choose him over them. Ex: "If my parents won't treat you with the love and respect you deserve as their son-in-law, then they're going to lose their relationship with me." Oh how I wish I had acted that way *before* we separated!!!
So back to you - maybe if your H brings up your family again, you could say something to assure him that you would side with him instead of them. That might seem like a total 180 to your H, but it also might open up some possibilities...
i'm thinking maybe she's right. going to look into that. my H is seeing his counselor once a week now, and they are exploring some of his past and trying to uncover the root of some of his behavior patterns. don't think that means anything would change, but at least he's making the effort to see what's beneath the surface.
it was hard for him to drop me off at my apartment so he could head back to his. we called it a night early and he cried when he hugged me goodbye. he said he thinks about me and about us so much it's getting to be detremental to his productivity at work. not much i can do about that. but it's nice to know i'm thought of. 