How do I expose the affair

[Allen A]

I would also go with the kids angle... there are TONS of accounts about how divorce hurts children long term.

He is just thinking of himself here, and he needs to STOP that.

If you do have to confront him, go with the angle of the children, NOT on the angle of YOU, he isn't going to save his marriage for you right now... he MIGHT for his children.

He needs some marriage friendly advice that he trusts, and no one is offering him any...

[nikblondiew]

Good morning MB,

I'm sorry to read that....It hurts hunny I know!
Stay focused on yourself and try to work through all your emotions when you have then. It sucks, I know.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Education campaigns CAN have SOME impact if you have an open minded spouse... but many are very much set in the romanticized view of infidelity and they will never get out of that

Simple, short "truth darts" are sometimes effective, and about the only thing that you can land thru the fog. Some that I used in my sitch:



- I will not hide your affair.
- I will not financially support your affair.
- It's your mess, you clean it up.
- Send her an email with STD statistics, no other comments.
- Secrets kill marriages.
- You are being played.
- Your current behavior is not helping the children.
- "No contact" means "no contact". Working in close quarters with someone who's admitted being attracted to you, and vice-versa, is inappropriate in a HEALTHY marriage. It's absolutely DESTRUCTIVE in one that's on the rocks!
- How will you be able to counsel your daughters one day if they're having problems? To cut and run? To have an affair?
- You are placing your friend before your husband, and your friendship before your marriage.
- Forget ME for a moment; you are not going to like yourself someday if you keep going down this path.
- S14 and S10 need you more than ever.

IF SHE TRIES "R" TALK:

DON'T argue past points with her. Simply state the truth of today.

- She is having an affair.

- It is impossible to analyze issues with the marriage as along as she is having an affair.

- You can't analyze a relationship where one partner is making unilateral decisions to bring a third person into the relationship.

- Betrayal is an intensely painful action for one person to inflict on another.

Hope these help,

Puppy

[Allen A]

Those are excellent.. the other on I would add :

When your children are older YOU will be the one to explain to them why you divorced their mother when she wanted you to go to family therapy with her and work on your marriage... YOU will explain that to these children...

[4luv]

((mb28))

I know how you feel. when my husband decided to go to our first mediation appointment and told the mediator that he was done and that he just wanted to get this over with as quick as possible I was crushed. But guess what...WE HAVEN'T BEEN BACK SINCE!! My husband isn't even close to committing to our marriage but I think that him actually making the first step towards divorce and realizing from the mediator that a "quick, painless" divorce was not really possible especially when children are involved made my husband have a second look.

So many times the WS looks as divorce as the easiest or least painful option and thats why they throw it out there so often. A divorce seems to be the door to no pain, easing their inner pain, etc. but when the reality of what a divorce really entails becomes clear it can be a tool for the WS to realize that they are gonna have to deal with their inner pain regardless of which direction they go...working on the marriage or divorcing.

I see your husband similar to mine. He is CONFUSED, HURTING, and just wants it all to stop. Don't worry, let him file...Reality will hopefully wake him up very soon!

[Allen A]

This is what the protection phase and no contact was about... to SHOW the spouse what divorce FEELS like, but mb28's husband really hasn't felt the sting of that yet...

He will soon.. I hoenslty don't think he will go all the way with this... he may file, but I don't think he will go all the way, and not to toot my horn here, but my instincts seem pretty good so far...

Hang in there mb, its not over, not by a long shot yet... SOME GOOD divorce attourneys even RECCOMEND FAMILY therapy if one of the spouses is NOT willing to divorce... MWD gets referrals all the time like that...

So, lets get some good intelligent lawyers in that room if it goes that far

[WhatNow]

Based on things he has said recently, I think he is trying to get a reaction out of you mb. YOu already know what that reaction should be.

[mb28]

Thanks for giving me hope. He has admitted that he is confused and hurting and that the only way to make this all end is a D. So, I do agree that is why he is heading that way, he wants his pain to stop and he feels that is the only way.

[mb28]

H is at L office at this very moment )-:

[flowmom]

mb, what are you doing to take care of yourself today?

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

--Reinhold Niebuhr