I agree. He is actually coming to the house today..he asked to come see the dogs. Yesterday he came by to shovel snow. He is making more of an effort now than he has in the past. I am just trying to remain patient and will continue to watch what he does and how he acts. He has got to bring up relationship conversation at some point... but I will continue to not bring it up. I know this is crazy..but after everything he has done and the hell he has put me through... I cannot help but feel sorry for him. I don't feel anger and haven't for quite some time. Maybe it is me detaching... This should be an interesting day.
Sorry lola, I am in complete agreement with Puppy. Your H has continued to cheat and lie to you. Unless/until his actions over time prove to you that he is no longer seeing OW and is doing everything in his power to make amends and become a better person I would go dark at the least. If you continue to chat and be friendly with him you are enabling his cake eating.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Thank you for your feedback. At first, things were going well. My husband was being rather nice and we were enjoying eachothers company. He then told me that his landlord asked him about extending his lease and then he dropped the bomb.
He asked to extend his lease another 3 months to get her out of his system and figure out what he wants. I was kind of shocked that he was still seeing her. Thought he was taking this time of separation to get his act together. I obviously declined. Cake eating at it's worst!!!!
He said the ball was in my court. I told him no and that in our divorce.. I want to file as adultery. He does not want me to obtain a lawyer.. he is a lawyer and doesnt think it is necessary. I am not sure why.. but it is important to me that her name be on my divorce papers. I have been so cooperative throughout all of this.. this is the one thing that is important to me. He got annoyed about it.. nothing new.
He then said that he was going to take the month to think things over and make a decision. He was sorry for asking for 3 additional months. I am beside myself. Do I just go ahead and file? I asked him to meet with me on Monday to put my name on our savings account. His name is not on mine.. but I always paid the bills and our savings are in his account. I just dont know if I can deal with him..would rather deal with him through an attorney. And of course i cannot trust him. He responded with "I am not going to steal from you". He already has by spending money on another woman.
I don't want to make this a messy situation but I also don't want to get taken advantage of. I am meeting him Monday morning to get my name on our account....then going dark. Please some words of wisdom.... how do I go completely dark???? i am not a natural game player...this is going to be hard.
He does not want me to obtain a lawyer.. he is a lawyer and doesn't think it is necessary.
I don't think you necessarily need to file (although I personally probably would), but I do think it is high time you met with a good family law attorney, and begin to take CONTROL of this situation. Right now, your marriage is in the hands of the one person who -- sadly -- doesn't have its best interests at heart.
Retain the attorney, get your name on those accounts (he will need to fully disclose all of the assets as part of any divorce action anyway), and let that attorney handle all of these details.
thanks Puppy. I agree. He tried calling me yesterday four times...and then two text messages. I didn't respond. Then I received a text message saying that we had to reschedule going to the bank today. I responded 'why'? He said that we have to sit down and discuss things. I told him there was nothing to discuss and that my name must be on the account. He said that we really need to talk.. I said 'no'. He asked me what changed and I didn't respond. It felt good to just ignore him.
I am not sure if this should make me feel better or worse.. but it just makes me angry right now. His mistress is such trash. His mother told him that she would never be accepted and that he is to never bring her around. His sister told him the same. I know it is ego.. but I cannot believe I am in competition with this garbage.
She has had an affair with another married attorney in his office!! she has two children out of wedlock...interracial. She has never been married. She just foreclosed on house with xboyfriend (who has 4 kids with 3 different mothers). I hate competing with such trash!!!
His mother also told him that he was acting like a 13 year old. He is miserable and depressed. He looks dirty and unkept. His hair looks ridiculous. My mother in law couldnt take anymore and needed to open her mouth. His response was to pretty much mind her own business if she ever wants to see her son. He is risking his career (was told not allowed to date in the office).
This is not the man that I married...or maybe this was always the man that I married and I just didn't see it. I don't even like him right now..nevermind love. I am sure it is some sort of midlife crisis..he has isolated himself from friends and family. But don't I need to walk away from this with some dignity? I know this is a divorce busting website..but could I really have a normal life with him after this? Will he really change? I think I do need to call the shots now because I haven't in so long.. but I am not sure if silence is the answer.. I think I need to take action. Him asking for 3 additional months to see OW just put me over the edge.. I have tried to remain patient and see if his fog would lift... been the bigger person..but his selfishness is too much.
Yes, this is a divorce busting web site but there are people here who will tell you that walking away with your dignity is the best way to end H's affair and bust your divorce. (FYI, that's what I did and it did work for me.)
You definitely need to retain an attorney ASAP. You need to protect yourself financially and legally. After you discuss things with your attorney you can make a decision as to whether or not you want to file.
Going dark is for you, to give yourself time and space to work on your own issues and figure out what you want to do. It's not meant to be a punishment for the WAS, although it will let him know what it will be like to be D.
I agree with Pearl, obviously. Your retaining legal counsel IMMEDIATELY is so important that I can't even really give any advice to you until you do so, because a lot of what I say you're going to want to check against your atty's recommendations anyway.
I am new here but am going through similar feeling. W is having an affair with OM. When I first met the OM it was someone who was doing work for her and she was spending a lot of time there so I went by to check out the sitch. Met the guy and was totally put at ease. Not her type at all. Not educated. Not physically anywhere close to me. When I found out I was embarrased for her and for me, but mostly for her.
This is not about you.
You also mentioned erratic behavior. I would not overlook this. I have lived with this and have made excuses for it for 4.5 years in my relationship. It could be situational but most likely is not. He is probably aware of this too and has become very good at convincing other people that nothing is wrong and hiding it or is denying it.
Try to write down the symptoms you have witnessed and look up personality disorders. Someone just hit my sitch on the head today on this forum even though I knew my W had PTSD (at the very least) I made excuses for her behavior because of it. They have be to be treating it. Your H hasn't even admitted there is a problem.
I think it will go a long way toward explaining some of this stuff you seem to be having a problem accepting. I just went dark yesterday so I can't help you with that but it does feel better when you take control of your life.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Agreeing with Truegritter. People having affairs usually cheat down. It's not about you, it's about WAS making themselves feel good the easiest way possible. OW in my sitch wasn't as bad as yours but she's definitely not at my level--she'd had affairs with two other married men that I knew of, was a lot less attractive, and not nearly as smart. And this is from others' perspectives, not just mine. What she was: a drinker, a smoker, and easy.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 03/01/1006:22 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
