Husband came back and told me what he found out about his father from dad's wife.
1. Husband's dad and wife are recently divorced. They were married for twenty years but he constantly cheated and she swept alot of things under the rug but couldn't take it anymore. She said that even though they were together for so long he always kept up a wall...never let anyone in too close to his feelings. She also said that his dad goes from woman to woman, job to job, always running from any situation looking for something but that he is really running from himself. She said that he has a strained relationship with his mom (husband's grandma whom we both met 4 the first time at my husband's college graduation) but that they talk everyday but its only a surface relationship.
2. Husband told her that the last memory he has of his father and of her was when they went to court for the paternity test when he was 9 years old. Hsuband was telling me in the car that he even remembered the clothes he was wearing that day and how is mom told him that it was a shame that a judge had to tell a man that a child was his and to take care of him. Husband said after the results were read his dad said "I want another test!! That is not my child!" The judge told his dad he could take another test but that the blood test concluded that 99.9% that was his son and he could pay for another test if he wanted to but the ruling stood.
3. The ex-wife went on to say that husband's dad doesn't really have a relationship with their son or husband's other brother which is by his first wife. Her husband does have a relationship with husband's little sister who is only 7 years old.
4. She ended up giving my husband his dad's phone number before we left.
Afterwards, husband wanted to go sit down and eat and we did and he just said how much anger he has inside. how he doesn't understand how his dad could live a couple of streets over from him and never even call to say "happy birthday" or "merry christmas." Why he didn't even come to one of his football games or his graduations! I listened...and agreed with husband. He has a right to be angry. Husband then said that he does want the family life, to go to church as a family, build a house, etc but he feels like he needs to complete this missing puzzle of himself first and that he wants to do it alone.
All in all, ALOT happened this weekend. Husband plans on calling his dad sometime this week and hopefully meeting up with him on his next visit home. Just called me again to tell me that he is feeling scared about talking to his dad. He doesn't want to end up disappointed. This is really all too much for me to deal with. These are issues that I have no knowledge of so I will hopefully find a GOOD FT that can handle this as well as foucs on the marriage.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
Thx. cutter. Yes I am making it and I feel better knowing that I don't have to take on these problems (which is what I would have done in the past). I am keeping my distance just so that I do not let all of this affect me.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
I have reread your last couple of posts on my thread and you are once again SPOT ON!! I don't know how you figured all that out about my husband based on what I have written but you are completely correct.
...
I stayed in the car after meeting them and husband went off and talked privately with his dad's wife. husband came back to the car deeply shaken about the conversation.
OK. Your posts pretty much are classic cases of guys who like to play but dont like to PAY, this is textbook stuff... He hasn't grown up.. he's still a BIG SILLY BOY and he's doing a LOT of DAMAGE...
He's like a child with a shotgun...
You need a license to drive, you need a license to fire a gun, you need a license to do a lot of things, but you do NOT need a license to be an adult... there isnt one out there that I know of...
They assume when you are 21, you're an adult and you are able to make intelligent thoughtful choices that do their best not to hurt anyone.
Go figure...
I know 40-year olds with the maturity of a 13 year old boy..., I know 50 year old women that act like they are 17... it happens.
Anyways.
Yes, there were mistakes this weekend, but, the good news is you learned from them.
Your husband is NOT going to take well to No contact... your Husband needs an education on what being a MAN means... sorry for the machoness of this statement, but that's what he needs... He will NOT man up with No Contact in my opinion...
You DO need to minimize contact until you can control it though 4luv. Your H needs to see LOTs of GOOD examples of adulthood...
Him driving around DRUNK because you woud'nt let him stay at your parent's place and THEN sneaking him in there... sorry but that's just wrong.
He drove around and got himself bombed to get your attention and sympathy... it was a PLOY and you fell for it... You know that... Its classic enablement.
The more wreckless he gets, the more helpful you get... you need to put a STOP to that destructive cycle right now... It is NOT helping YOU OR HIM
I woudl'nt let your F talk to your H unless you KNOW what's going to be said... seriously... NEVER let ANYONE give your SPOUSE ADVICE unless YOU know what the ADVICE IS... its like playing RUSSIAN ROULETTE... you might win, or you might lose...
Unless YOU know what chamber the bullet's in... do NOT play that game... its DANGEROUS
That's a big part of my advice here... STOP enabling your H.. get him some GOOD FAMILY THERAPY advice.
That means
1. Marriages come first 2. Affairs are addictions and are NOT to be sympathized or accomodated with in any way 3. Divorce is always a LAST resort 4. HOPE is the first item of business 5. No negative commentary that may lead to destructive impulse - waywards are VERY sensitive to cynicism... they will ACT on it if you give them even a crumb of it.
Get this man some MEN around him to set a half decent example and he may start to grow up... But right now he doesn't even know what being a man means... and no one is TELLING him... Your F told him something, but we don't know what...
I have to say I really am pleased with your F's way of handling this.. he is SHOWING your H that he's headed in the wrong direction... He's getting your H's attention too...
BUT... its nto enough information.. its a start...
Your H IS interested, he WANTS to know how to grow up, he WANTS to be a man here, but he NEEDS GOOD GUIDANCE... and giong to his OWN father OR yours is NOT likley the BEST choice... AGAIN waywards NEVER get the right advice even when they take the initiative to find some... it's sad really...
Question : Is his father happily married and such or is his father a mess too? I suspect his father set him a bad example... and now he's giong to that father for advice?
4luv, I am giong to even reccomend a MAN's solution.
I THINK I understand the situation to be this :
You are married, you and your H have a child
Your H is having an affair (EA/PA) and has one illegitimate child there as well.
Is this correct?
If so, I am giong to suggest the following :
1. Reccomit to your marriage like a MAN 2. BE a father and husband first 3. Offer financial support to Illegitimate child (hereinafter called IC) 4. Any and ALL visitation to IC is done in the ABSENCE of the OW. 5. If he arrangs a visit and she is present, he FORFEITS the VISIT and goes HOME. 6. Any and all interaction for IC is done through a third party intermediary.
NOW, you will be interested to know 4luv that Phil McGraw covered infidelity in one of his shows and he had this same/almost the same situation going in there too.
We had a husband who was divorced with one child. He was having an affair with his ex-wife. His second wife was pregnant This Husband woudl only admit to ONE indiscretion, but the x-wife claimed there were over sixty of them. His current wife had proof in an email that they had sex (the note was a thank you for the shower, it was fun note.. yikes)
Anyhow, Dr Phil's solution in THAT episode was what I laid out... All interaction wtih teh x-wife's child was done through a third party was his reccomendation... and that he make a full disclosure of his affair to his current wife and stop the lying... The H ended the show STILL insisting he only cheated once (the email).
Interestingly... Dr Phil took a hand up survey of his audience on who believed him when he said he only cheated once... not ONE PERSON put up their hand...
McGraw looked at the man and said - "That's the mountain you have to climb son... if you want to win back your wife's trust... good luck, I hope you manage it, i really do..."
Note : His wife did put up HER hand, but she looked at Dr Phil and said "I have to, or I have to divorce him... I HAVE to trust him or this marriage is NOT going to work..." and Dr phil agreed with her...
Your Husband 4luv needs to start acting like a man... its an UGLY situation he's in I know, but being MISERABLE is NOT giong to make it BETTER or EASIER to deal with...
The classic phrase "No use crying over spilt milk" fits here... but I would just change the "milk" to "semen"
This is his bed and he needs to make it... torn blanket and all... Its still a life...
There ARE men out there who cant' GIVE their wife a child becuase they are impotent... your Husband has a GIFT in front of him... but for some odd reason he's miserable... He's a fool... SOMEONE needs to tell him "hey, your life aint' that BAD son... it really isn't... you just need to tidy it UP and start living it"
I really hope you can find someone to give him a good heart o heart that will inspire him to make this brave step.
If you like movies, there's a GREAT movie that teaches this lesson.
Its' called
Beautiful Girls (1996)
Rent that and watch it... mabye it might give you some ideas...
I had an interesting day. My MIL invited me to lunch and a business meeting she was having with some web designer so we met up today. Lunch was great and the business meeting went well too. I love hanging out with my MIL and she has also offered to design a new business logo for me because she LOVED the cake pary favors that I did for her bday party. She also thanked me for being so supportive of her business ventures when other people have not been as supportive. She is a GREAT artist!!
Anyway, husband has been calling throughout the day. Some calls I answered, some I did not. I actually didn't know it was him that was calling because I was ignoring my cell phones all day due to just wanting some quiet time (I am still decompressing from the weekend!!).
The last call I answered from husband he was asking how son did with the new babysitter and then started telling me about this job that he is applying for. He asked could I update his resume since I was the one that did it in the first place. The job that he is applying for is closer to my parents house...3 hours away instead of 6 hours away. The rest of the convo went like this:
H: With this new job I will be able to see son all the time Me: Yep, I guess so. H: So what do you think about that. Me: Nothing. I don't think anything about it. H: Stop doing that 4luv Me: doing what: H: what you are doing...not saying anything. Me: What am I suppose to say. I said yes you would see son. H: unless you moved to another state that you mentioned moving to before Me: no response H: Y are u not saying anything Me: if you want to say something then say it. H: laughing...but I like to see what you are thinking first. Me: well I am not thinking anything. you need to say what you have to say H: Well, I am not sure how to say it or even what I really wnat to say. Do you want to get your own apartment. Me: no. not right now. I am working on paying off credit card debt. that is my first priority. H: Yep. that is my priority too. Well...do you want us to live together? I mean, what are we doing. Me: (long pause) I don't know. I really don't know right now. With the way things are right now, No. H: I F'd up. I want a home...family. But at the same time I want to start fresh. What are we doing during this separation? Are we dating? Me: I want the same thing...to start clean, home, family but I don't think these are things I can talk about right now. In regards to dating others, I am married...PERIOD. H: Are we dating each other? Are you gonna come visit me during the summer or at all? What are we doing Me: I don't know. I can't start anything until I know that you are serious with your actions. I really have to go know but we will talk later.
I don't know how I did with this conversation. I am not prepared to handle these type of conversations. I am trying to DB EVERY time I talk to husband and usually I would be open and honest with how I feel but I feel like I have to keep those feelings close to my heart in order to make husband work if he wants me and our marriage. I don't want him to think that he can all willy nilly ask do i want to live with him and BOOM we are back together. I have been through too much for him to think its that easy. We haven't even done HALF or a QUARTER of the work for us to discuss that topic. I don't know. I am scared of another conversation coming up and me saying to much. Yes, I want my marriage but I can't come to him...I need him to come to me. To work for me!!!
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
You just need to set a boundary, and until he crosses it, he gets no convo from you.
1. When You have arranged for NO CONTACT with OW 2. When we are both seeing a GOOD FT we both LIKE together 3. THEN we can discuss US... until those things above happen... you get zero.
Re "dating" I would have corrected him immediately :
"When you 'date' while you are married, that's called infidelity.. no matter WHO the other person IS. It's cheating.. and I won't do it and I won't accept it from YOU either.
It's NOT dating.. its called cheating, its perverse and I don't want to do that and I don't want to be around anyone ELSE doing that... we are adults, we have a child here... this isn't high school anymore...
Say SOMETHING.. I can't believe he referred to "infidelity" as "dating"... ugh
4luv- I think you handled the conversation great!! I also agree w/ Allen says above. When they hear infidelity it is the truth...they can minimize all they want by "seeing" or "dating"- but it is cheating and it is perverse.
Yes, I do need to set a boundary and those are EXACTLY the boundaries I want with #1 being the most important one for me.
I am kinda of tied by a deadline. Before I moved out we broke the lease to our apartment. So basically, my husband wants to know what I am going to do. He is not a straightforward type of guy but he has to get an apartment by the end of March and is basically trying to see if I would move back with him. If I am not, he is going to get a one bedroom apartment.
I saw you wrote to mb28 that her husband getting his own apartment is BAD. I believe that also because my husband will just get comfortable living that lifestyle. And he will have to get that apartment for a 14 month lease (thats how much longer he will be in that area with his current job).
My question is should I bring up the conversation that I dropped with him last night and say something like "I thought about it and I want our marriage/our family. However, I will not do anything until you have established no contact with OW and we have a FT that we both agree to see."
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
Dr Phil said that separation does NO ONE any good as it just creates distance.
HOWEVER... if there is an AFFAIR going on, its the healthiest of two evils.
If you can get him to commit to NO CONTACTT with OW BEFORE you move in then I say go for it... besides, you can't keep an eye on him to make sure he's being honest if he has his own place, it just is a license to play... I don't understand why couples separate.. it's just silly...
I have anotehr video I will post up for you soon on this topic
I just got off phone with husband and I am not sure how I feel about the conversation. I asked husband what he was trying to say last night and he basically was saying taht he really messed up and feels bad taht his actions drove his family away. He basically wanted to know what we were doing. I was hesitant to open up to him about my true intentions but I did. I told him that when I moved away I was ok whichever way we went but I wanted what I always stated that I wanted which is our family/our marriage. Told him that I would move back up there but he would have to establish No contact with OW. Husband said that was almost impossible because their son is only two and he is not able to call his son directly. I told him he could contact son through someone else but he felt that was making someone else take on his responsibility. he said that would be equal to him having to contact my mom in order to get in contact with our son. I honestly don't know what to do with this. Basically after I threw that boundary out there I could tell he shut down. So I asked him what did he suggest. How does he suggest to cut out OW in reagards to affair. He said he didn't know. He said that on one hand he wants his marriage and on the other hand he is not sure he is ready to work on it.
So I feel setup. He knew he still had this confusion going on but bought up this conversation like he was ready to talk and make some decision on it last night. But husband is still "not sure" what he wants! He then said that he is going to get a two bedroom apartment to keep the option open for me to move back...I am upset that he is implying that his family is an OPTION. Maybe he didn't mean it like that but that is how i took it. I told him that this is something that i don't have answers to and that it would be best that we discuss these things with the FT. he agreed. Then he asked what title we have, what are we doing. I told him that dating other people is cheating as we are still married. He said ok.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
