H keeps testing, I did ok in my response, not great. Mad at my self but oh well.
I got hired to be in a big play - big production. Plays have been in an issue for us in that H feels resentful of having to schedule out three months at a time around my rehearsals. I stopped doing plays for the past six months and have given H every schedule change he has asked for including same day requests. In the past when I asked about doing another show he said we could work something out.
So when asked to do this show I asked H first. I told him I would not accept it unless he was ok with it so that my son does not have to be with a babysitter much of the time. I emailed him the full schedule and told him I have a couple days to get back to the director. I also told him that I wanted to do it differently this time so that it's fair to everyone.
H emailed me back and said he was confident we could work it out and congratulations. I was excited, but cautious.
Sure enough, Icame home from the first rehearsal last night and asked if H could change tonight Monday, for tomorrow night Tuesday. I know if he had asked me this I would have been ok with it. I knew that if he wasn't ok with it, I would ask my parents.
H flipped out on me, as usual. He admitted he hadn't read the schedule I sent, didn't remember me telling him I had to get back to the director by Saturday, and that he resents this because of past issues. He blew up and then stormed off to bed.
I should have said nothing. I know better than to reason with him when he's blowing up. I know better also to bring things up late at night. I guess I felt tired of walking on eggshells and just wanted to ask for the schedule change and get a yes or no answer like normal people. I should have known I wouldn't get one.
But on the other hand, he could have given me a yes or no and kept his mouth shut until he could discuss all the issues with me in a calm way.
I was afraid it would come to this but everyone kept encouraging me to take the role anyhow. I wanted to decline to keep the peace. But on the other hand, I gave him six months of freedom, not to mention, him leaving us and me taking on the majority of childcare responsibilities. I felt it was fair for me to ask this now.
I guess when he's calmer I will talk to him about my side. However I don't expect that. We're signing the legal separation this week and he's all wound up and in a nasty mood around it. WEll he asked for it didn't he? WHy am I the one having to stay calm here? I feel bad for throwing more triggers in his way this week - more of an excuse for him to say "see nothing's changed".
IN the past I would have freaked out about the separation so he could blame me. Now I am staying calm and just doing it and he can't blame me for his choices.
I fully believe he is the only one stopping us from having a healthy relationship at this point. I am trying my best to stay calm, not fight, and communicate in a loving supportive way. I am going to continue to hold this as my goal. H will either rise to it or move on and I will find it with someone else one day.
So H continues to try to bait me into the old patterns so he can blame me. I am going to rise above it.
BUt I wish I had just shut my mouth last night and let him look like the screaming child. It's hard when you are being yelled at. Next time I want to say "I can't talk to you when you are this way, we can talk later when you are calm."
