Fri night W texted she had a "Big Problem and needed the dos to stay at the house." I ignored... 10 minutes later she texts "Nevermind"
Sat afternoon she texts "Guess you're not concerned about our friendship." No reply...
I did take a call from a Private number and it was W. Received some spew about ignoring her texts.
W said she can no longer live where she was living and that she figured things out.
She attacked me for not helping w/ "my" dogs; that if the roles were reversed and I wanted out of the M, she would gladly do what she could to help- "that's just the kind of person I am" she said.
I explained that I would happily take care of the dogs if she were not having an A. She quickly said it's not all her fault that this is happening- that her needs went unmet for too long. And, "I'm sorry if I'm not going by the rules." She also gave the lines "I'm moving on w/ my life, and I deserve to be happy." Which I somewhat validated and also cautioned her.
I validated and assured her that they would have been met had she communicated them to me and sought MC.
Sadly I was not very calm during the conversation, I appologized for getting loud and let her know how frustrating it is for me to be in this situation...I hate speaking to her b/c I know that it stresses her out, and I know that I'm the one that ends up not able to sleep, while she gets to enjoy another man and feel loved.
UGH-
I should not have answered the call.
My father e-mailed W yesterday about her loan- he's also offering to buy back her engagement ring "since it's no longer needed" and will buy down the amount owed.
I don't know how that went over, and I don't care.
At this point its full steam ahead for D.
Had a great weekend otherwise saw a few movies w/ friends, played golf, and cleand the eff out of the house.
was that on your list for important reasons to talk to wife.
You should have went with the following
HI.... oh Hi. I am just on my way out. Is there something you want?
Wife : Dogs stuff.
Me : Good thing you took care of the dog issue. Gotta go. Have a good day. Take Care
Click
Infuture.
Any R talk. You have no R. So no R talk.
She brings it up. You state that. And stay that line. Do not wavier from it. No R no R talk.
It gets easier. And soon you will control the conversation. You will see. Stay civil. Always. Her punches will stop soon enough. And if they do not. Thats her issues. Toxic people are toxic people.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I used to tell my wife, "There are really only two things you seem to want to talk about -- our marriage, and the potential END of our marriage. I have decided that I won't talk about our marriage so long as there's a third person in it, and the other stuff is best handled by our attorneys. Gotta run (insert GAL activity here) -- bye."
If your wife texts you, or calls you, and you ingore it... and you get a private call soon afterwards.... do NOT answer it silly.. its HER from a different LINE...
Keep the exchange simple as reccomended... no marriage, no marriage talk.
EXIT due to being busy - gotta go
Cutter's points are perfect... follow that script and you will be fine
She is just trying to manipulate you, don't engage her, its NOT going to end well and you KNOW it... NEVER take the call... even if you don't know WHO it is.. let it go to voicemail.
I NEVER take my calls blind.. if it says private I let it go to voicemail... I NEVER pick up a call BLIND...
and I am not fighting an affair right now.. if I was, i would have the cell OFF
I didn’t read all the replies so forgive me if a lot of this has been said before.
If you haven’t already done so, file the D papers. Technically it doesn’t mean anything but it will send a message to her that you are taking a stand and not just blowing smoke. I know one couple that has filed 3 times over the course of 3 or 4 years. I wished I had done it (my W filed last year) more for own self respect and show the world I don’t put up with crap. Some of the stuff I’ve read suggest that people that filed out the gate had a higher chance of reconciling for some reason.
You are doing a decent job at NC but when you get caught talking to her get away asap. You see how you slipped there and it’s just too hard not to take jabs at her. She wanted out of the marriage so give that to her and all the consequences as well. Most find that once they are given what they want, they tend not to want it anymore.
You need to stop trying to save your marriage. The harder you try the more you will fail. If you want to save it (I have my doubts it’s worth it in your case) you need to give up on it and give in to the current reality of your situation. Move full steam for a D and if she doesn’t try to stop you in the last minute then you know she is too far gone. They only real way to reconcile is to turn the tables where you no longer care anymore and she wants you try again. She has to beg you back and she won't do that if she thinks you’ll take her back to begin with.
My wife left 3 times and this last time we made it work. The first 2 times where a mistake (too soon) and the reason why the last time worked because I stopped trying and was pushing for the D after about 3 or 4 months of NC. We’ve been back together now for 9 months and I still have her petition for a D (she wants me to throw it away) and knows that the second she thinks about messing up she will be out the door forever. We are doing really well and she said I’d have to drag her out kicking to get rid of her now.
The fact she is trying to blame you for her A shows she is still screwed up. It’s 100% her fault and until she admits that she is useless to you anyway. Women can’t love men they don’t respect and she knows she did wrong and you putting up with it by not divorcing her shows you are weak. Telling her you want a divorce and you no longer care for her as a person anymore and wish to never speak to her again would probably turn her on lol. You should do that, don’t speak to her directly and go through someone else to communicate important things that may come up. Let her know you are out of her life and fall off the face of the Earth from her POV.
This sucks I know but you will make it through one way or another. You need to work on not thinking about the her anymore and get anger if you have to to help motivate you (just don't act out, keep it inside).
Good luck.
Me:38 W:40 Bomb/EA 03/08 Recon twice 1/09 W files for D Story
I have been reluctant to file b/c I don't want the D at all. I know that you are right and my family has also put the pressure on for me to get the D started.
My reluctance does give her time to feel out Plan A (since I am clearly plan B or C at this point.) As I've learned from Om1 fizzling, it's not a guarantee that she will ever come back.
I believe what you say and I do want some kind of closure- perhaps filing will give me the boost I need as far as empowerment and esteem. After all- I have lived up to most of my vows.
I will see what I can do as far as getting in w/ L soon. My father wants me to file by the end of the week.
I'd be interested to hear more about your sitch- I will read through your story.
