flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[flowmom]

So this morning I made myself sick looking for H's profile on an online dating site. Stupid. I started having a major adrenaline rush. I have to figure out how to deal with urges to do stuff like this.

I am feeling really discouraged this morning. I think the entire convo with my friend boiled down to H trying to ferret out info about my state of mind and how it will affect divorce proceedings.

H's dilemma:
I should tell Flowmom that I am "dating" because I promised her that I was going to be transparent about my status. But if I tell her she might get enraged and punish me in custody/financial negotations.

I think that is 100% of what the convo was about

It sickens me that he can't make eye contact with me and is trying to communicate via my poor friend who desperately wishes us to reconcile.

It sickens me that I'm seen as an adversary, when all I want to do is love him and create a new life as a whole family. It sickens me that he's inviting melodrama into our children's lives.

I have to figure out what to do about the "dating while in a trial separation" issue. Is it cake-eating? He gets to look like the guy who is dealing with his stuff and figuring things out. And he's keeping the door open for himself. While pursuing dating/sex. This is the third time that dating has been brought up by him - twice to my friend and once to me. Maybe he needs to hear this from me:

In a trial separation, the door is wide open for reconciliation. But "dating" is not OK with me during a trial separation. You've made your intention to "date" clear (both to me and via Friend), so as far as I'm concerned we're no longer in a trial separation and I'm assuming that you don't want to be married to me.

Because he's too much of a f---- coward to tell me like it is. Isn't this an appropriate boundary? I'm not going to email this to him today or tomorrow. But I feel uneasy about the fact that at this point it looks like I'm condoning his dating during a trial separation. Then I don't have a leg to stand on later if he gets into a full-blown R with an OW. "Be the better option" will be my only option because I've already condoned him having an A.