Cat - I doing pretty well. I had a great weekend with my D. Yesterday, I took her to a birthday party and then we went up to a freinds lake house to spend the night. W is apparently upset that I did not ask for permission. I suspect that we will have a confrontation tonight about it. My plan is to remain calm but also stand my ground. I guess I will need to implement a boundary tonight but who knows.
I have also decided to continue to pursue going back to school. The reality is that I cannot allow her to control my actions anymore. I need to do for me what I need to do. I picked up a great book - The 5 love languages - this weekend and continue to work on me. More and more I can see my issues and quite frankly I am proud of the working that I am doing in myself.
I replayed the conversation in my head between W and I re: going back to school and the reality is that I feel she is upset that I am doing work on myself. I feel like she wants me to stay as I was and probably cannot understand why I am changing since she does not feel like I was able to. I actually understand her point but this cannot stop me from continuing to be the best person that I can be.
Also, in terms of the bonus that I have mentioned on these boards - I have decided to divert some of it in the event that I need to protect myself and my kids. I want to be with them as much as possible (another reason why I will remain in the house) and need to have funds available should I need to fight for them. This is what Eric wants.
Oh...BTW - how was your weekend?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
How did you feel about your epiphany in regards to your conversation with your wife?
I am a supporter of your going to school. That said, have you devised a financial plan and budget to support going to school? Is it written down like a business plan? Would this be a 180 for you? Showing financial responsibility and foresight.
Lost - In terms of going back to school the only out of pocket expense long term are books. My financial plan is to use the amount of tuition reimbursement that my company provides. When she finds out she is not going to be thrilled. A few other questions....
1) Should I tell her that I am going back to school. In our last convo on the matter her last words were "do what you feel you need to do in your heart" - this of course was after she said (in response to my question about how she felt about it)....that she had no choice since i "told her" what i was doing and that she had to "put an H on my chest and handel it". So do I tell her?
2) On Sunday I took my daughter to a friends lake house and we spent the night watching movies and reading. I had a blast but when I came home this morning with my daughter (at 8AM so that she can go to school) my son told me that Mom is very angry with you because you did not ask to take Toria overnight. Before I post my questions....I will say that I left a note on the counter letting her and the boys know that D and the dog were at the lake house with me and would not be home (note: W and the 2 Sons were not going to be home until 9PM). So my question is two fold - if confronted what do I do? I personally would like to set some boundaries. I do not think that I have to ask permission to take my daughter with me (having said this..this was a last minute thing...under different circumstances I would let her know). If she does not confront me should I bring up the issue. I mean I think that she should not be complaining about me to the boys. Am I missing something here?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
To date, or since the bomb if you will - I have not taken the kids overnight so this is the first time that I have done it. In hindsight I probably should have asked her but it really was last minute. So - should I approach and appologize....
"W - this morning S told me that you were upset that I had D and dog with me. I would like you to know that it was a last minute thing and understand why you may have been upset. I appologize that YOU were upset. I did leave you a note, but going forward I will let you know in advance that we will be staying the night or at a min call you and leave you a message". How does this sound?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
So basically you are going to be able to go to school for almost nothing as long as you can keep your grades at the reimbursement requirements. Sounds like a good deal to a guy who had to pay off $15K in college loans.
1-I think I wouldn't tell her I was going or ask her permission. This one I feel is going to be walking a very thin line....but if handled properly could be an awesome opportunity to shine. I would ask to revisit the conversation. I would note things like how the added education will offer you improved employment security, possible open new fields of employment, cover how the tuition reimbursement works and that you really will only be paying for your books...then ask her if there are reasons she feels that you shouldn't go. As of this minute...she is still part of the family, household, and your wife. So her opinion does matter....at this moment. I think you can grasp this opportunity to practice good communication. That said...if the conversation turns the even slightly to your relationship...you need to find a quick exit, because that isn't what the question is about. Make sense?
2-Here is my take. Your wife still lives at homes and you had your daughter. If you wife lived elsewhere...I would say no apology needed, but she does live there. So in the household dynamic it was disrespectful to not inform (ask) her about the night out. To your defense it was last minute. So I would apologize....but only for the poor communication. Some will come back and say that she disrespects you with the EA...but the truth is you can't win a war by lowering yourself to your opponents level...you rise above their level.
The note sounds fine to me....but I would address it face to face (don't mix the two conversation though...it will be overly intense for both of you). I don't really see this being a boundary point...I see this as you apologizing for poor communication. If you switched the situation around...how would you feel in her shoes?
I would note things like how the added education will offer you improved employment security, possible open new fields of employment, cover how the tuition reimbursement works and that you really will only be paying for your books.
I did this Lost - it did not work. She acutally was quite upset.
quote]then ask her if there are reasons she feels that you shouldn't go. [/quote]
According to her, everyone had suggested that I go back to school in the past and I never listened. Now that "it is all about her" she i really does think I should go back to school. I caved again and said if she felt this way that I would not go back her response "do what you feel in your heart you need to do". Personally, I think that by me going back to school I am showing her that I am changing and she does not want to see it. She feels jealous in my opinion that I am working on myself and changing and she can no longer bash me. But that is my opinon.
Quote:
So in the household dynamic it was disrespectful to not inform (ask) her about the night out. To your defense it was last minute. So I would apologize....but only for the poor communication.
I agree, which was my last post. Having given this some thought I should have asked. I will approach her about it and appologize for my poor communication. Should I agree to ask going forward? I would much prefer that we agree that I will leave a note so that she knows. If I agree to asking then I am opening up the door for her to control more of the sitch. Thoughts?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
