Well, Last night was a break through. Not sure if it was a postitive one but none the less I need some more advice.
Sorry to have to be graphic, but I want to paint a perfect picture so that I get some thoughts.
In my Sitch it has been going down hill from start of 2008. In summer of 2008 is when I first confronted W about the lack of effection and connection. Of course it was nothing as she tells me. At this point I had my suspicions of OM. To this day I havent confirmed anything. I will also say that I truly beleive there is no OM at this point. I have checked everything I can to confirm and cannot.
During this time there was lack of intimacy, effection etc. We would do it, but it just wasnt the same. I of course would get my feelings hurt. I would be visually upset and would say so. I know its wrong but didnt know any better.
In late summer of 2008 we had gone to a picnic and I got totally bombed. In fact, stupid drunk. I dont get like that too often. Anyway when we got home, of course I wanted her and I to make love. Well, she wasnt into it. ( I apologize again that i need to be graphic) sorry.. Instead I had asked for W to perform oral sex on me. Well, she did but now I find out that this is a big problem for her. You see, I was very agressive with her. I complained a that she wasnt doing it right, and that I couldnt get off. She now tells me that she was scared, that she has never seen me like that. The look in my eyes scared her. I know I was very drunk, and repeatedly apologized to her.
We had left home after that and went to a friends home. I told her there "jokingly so I thought" that she was a terrible c*&ksucker... Terrible, I know. I am ashamed and have told her that too. I embarrassed her and degraded her. I cannot express how aweful I feel that I did that to her.
Last night she tells me that the reason we cannot be intimate is because of the reminder of that day. It was the day that I broke her. ( Her words)She was scared, and she remembers the look in my eyes, smells etc. Leading up to that day the disconnecting was happening anyway. That incident was the icing on the cake.
She does say she ILYBNILWY. I have told her that I cannot fix her. She is in control of her mind and thoughts and that she is the only person who can help herself. I repeatedly told her that I was sorry, and she does forgive me, but cannot forget. She doesnt know what to do, she tells me that she is confused. I dont know what to do anymore. It seems that every end of the conversation leads to maybe its better we separate.
For what I did it was truly terrible. I know. I am ashamed and just dont know what things I can do help my sitch.. Sorry for the long post.
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
