Well, Last night was a break through. Not sure if it was a postitive one but none the less I need some more advice.
Sorry to have to be graphic, but I want to paint a perfect picture so that I get some thoughts.
In my Sitch it has been going down hill from start of 2008. In summer of 2008 is when I first confronted W about the lack of effection and connection. Of course it was nothing as she tells me. At this point I had my suspicions of OM. To this day I havent confirmed anything. I will also say that I truly beleive there is no OM at this point. I have checked everything I can to confirm and cannot.
During this time there was lack of intimacy, effection etc. We would do it, but it just wasnt the same. I of course would get my feelings hurt. I would be visually upset and would say so. I know its wrong but didnt know any better.
In late summer of 2008 we had gone to a picnic and I got totally bombed. In fact, stupid drunk. I dont get like that too often. Anyway when we got home, of course I wanted her and I to make love. Well, she wasnt into it. ( I apologize again that i need to be graphic) sorry.. Instead I had asked for W to perform oral sex on me. Well, she did but now I find out that this is a big problem for her. You see, I was very agressive with her. I complained a that she wasnt doing it right, and that I couldnt get off. She now tells me that she was scared, that she has never seen me like that. The look in my eyes scared her. I know I was very drunk, and repeatedly apologized to her.
We had left home after that and went to a friends home. I told her there "jokingly so I thought" that she was a terrible c*&ksucker... Terrible, I know. I am ashamed and have told her that too. I embarrassed her and degraded her. I cannot express how aweful I feel that I did that to her.
Last night she tells me that the reason we cannot be intimate is because of the reminder of that day. It was the day that I broke her. ( Her words)She was scared, and she remembers the look in my eyes, smells etc. Leading up to that day the disconnecting was happening anyway. That incident was the icing on the cake.
She does say she ILYBNILWY. I have told her that I cannot fix her. She is in control of her mind and thoughts and that she is the only person who can help herself. I repeatedly told her that I was sorry, and she does forgive me, but cannot forget. She doesnt know what to do, she tells me that she is confused. I dont know what to do anymore. It seems that every end of the conversation leads to maybe its better we separate.
For what I did it was truly terrible. I know. I am ashamed and just dont know what things I can do help my sitch.. Sorry for the long post.
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
You need to go to AA meetings and do what they tell you. When she believes she can trust you again, you can rebuild your marriage. First you need to stop drinking.
Hey Lotus, I dont have a drinking problem at all.. That was the last time that I was totally bombed... Seriously.. I dont drink at home or anything.. I usually have water or pop..
That was an isolated time as we got together with a bunch of friends.. I am more of a social drinker, but usually control myself really good. My W will tell you the same.
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
Cesco, The reason this isn't making sense is because you are wanting to be in denial even though deep down I think you know the truth.
Your wife is in and has been in an affair. All the signs are there... (lack of interest in you, the ILYBNILWY statments, the new blackberry that is stuck to her hip, the FB chats with men she works with, the man at work that is pursuing her(or her pursuing him TOO)....
EVEN YOU deep down has said more than once that it is the one man at work. I think you know deep down inside that this is exactly the man she is in an affair with. Your gut has told you this again and again, but then you go into denial.
Quote:
What I have difficulty with is setting a boundary around the amount of time on FB.. I know she uses it to chat it up with girlfriends etc, but I also know she chats it up with the guy at her workplace which was the same guy who was pursuing her earlier.
Quote:
I guess she may also be getting a bit smarter because just recently say 2 months ago decided to get her own phone plan. She got the blackberry that has the messanger on it.. She is on that thing steady!!.. No way to spy on it to see whom she is messaging,and she deletes right after she writes stuff..
Quote:
I snuck in and noticed her chatting with 2 of the guys from work. She didn't hide it and I asked to readit. I think I got there too early as there wasn't much.
Quote:
I am pretty confident that the EA is not going on.. She flat out told me that if I wanted to contact him by all means go ahead..
Is this man married? I would suspect he is. This is why it has been so easy for them to keep you fooled. Something IS going on Cesco... I guarantee it.
Don't you think she is smart enough to fool you? She KNOWS you are watching her. She FEELS you are watching her. She isn't going to make it obvious (even though she is making it obvious to those who have been observing these things for years and years) She is covering her tracks because she knows you are watching and thinks you are snooping. It is YOU who needs to do a better job of investigative work. Do you think that a detective gets his best evidence by asking the suspect? Do you think the suspect admits to guilt?
I told her ... that she was a terrible c*&ksucker...
WOW. Alot of guys on this site are in for a long uphill battle. You? You threw yourself off a cliff. Sure you want to fight for this knowing you'll never get it again?
yes, have you been on her blackberry. Check blackberry messenger. That's what my wife was using to do her sexting. It can be hidden. Go to options and then click show all if it is hidden. that's how I nailed my wife yesterday. So glad I did. Made my life so much easier.
Me 42/ W 40 /S 16 Married 15 Bomb dropped 11/18/2009 Nuke dropped 12/7/2009 EA/likely PA confirmed and busted 2/28/2010 Still separated in the same house and cant wait for this to end 5/8/2012
yes, have you been on her blackberry. Check blackberry messenger. That's what my wife was using to do her sexting. It can be hidden. Go to options and then click show all if it is hidden. that's how I nailed my wife yesterday. So glad I did. Made my life so much easier.
Me 42/ W 40 /S 16 Married 15 Bomb dropped 11/18/2009 Nuke dropped 12/7/2009 EA/likely PA confirmed and busted 2/28/2010 Still separated in the same house and cant wait for this to end 5/8/2012
I told her ... that she was a terrible c*&ksucker...
WOW. Alot of guys on this site are in for a long uphill battle. You? You threw yourself off a cliff. Sure you want to fight for this knowing you'll never get it again?
yeah, I think I'd be hard pressed (no pun intended) to root through the greeting cards at Walgreens and find a card that echoes this sentiment. This is why I'm so glad I don't drink. I think you could recover from this but one thing I'm learning here is although I consider myself a sensitive man, that sometimes the words we choose can really open deep wounds with the women in our lives, even if uttered unintentionally or without using any "filters".
Is this one in the same incidents or another time?
Quote:
There was also an incedent where I disrespected her publically in front of our friends and she tells me that its a scar that she cannot over look. I am not tring to make excuses but I was with my buddies and that day alot of alcohol was consumed. You can say that I was not in the best form that day. The decision that I chose was definatly the wrong one. I will say, that this is the one topic that my W uses against me all the time which she says this is why the loss of connection.
If it is the same incident that you are talking about in your post in this thread, then I don't see it as a "breakthrough" b/c you brought it up in an early thread. If it is not the same incident, then ......well, you don't want me to say anymore about that.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Wow, I need to think on this. Your drunken night was brutal. I mean, we've "all" drank a bit too much, and donned a lamp shade, or something similar, but the sexual forcefulness, her denying you, you forcing oral sex, complaining about it, then following up w/a nasty comment. ICK!!!!
I'd be interested in your answer to Sandi. Same incident or different?
What's happened in the last week or so? Also, how did you respond to her when she told you how awful this was for her?
Hey, I enjoy a night out w/the girlfriends, having a few cocktails, or a fun dinner w/H and friends, etc..., so, I'm not a prude, AT ALL, but I'm here to tell ya, I think I'd lay off the sauce, even IF it's not a problem. You have the ... "I drink. I act like a Dick." problem...
This isn't a lost cause. Let's figure it out!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
