Hi, Feeling a bit shaky again this morning. After past 2-3 days of feeling so done, I am feeling sad again. I had sent the email Thurs night answering L questions he had and asking about tuition payment in writing. It backfired big time. While at the time I didn't think so b/c felt it just brought out his true colors, now I'm feeling a little weird about it. He called me several times again that night, then apologized via text for acting so angry and that I just caught him off guard. He called me again 4 times on Fri and then left a text to stop screening my calls. Called again Sat morning and we agreed him come over Sun to get his remaining stuff.
When he came I was feeling pretty confident and pretty over him. When he brought up the tuition convo it spiraled into a fight for about an hour. He's in a lot more debt than I realized and he would make a point and I would say 'well it's not my fault you took all those trips' or a few things that my mother encouraged me to point out. Not worth it b/c it just engaged in tit-for-tat. Fine line b/w holding my line and just keeping the peace w him. Our lunch last month was our best interaction when I let little things slide. I ended up crying a bit b/c I just didn't want to fight anymore and felt a little attacked. He needed more of a 4-yr payment plan and we went back and forth over stupid stuff, then furniture. I am keeping most everything in the apt and all he wants is a couple things - I feel like a bitch if I don't give them to him. He kept telling me 'you don't need the money' 'I do' (the tuition repayment). Many of the points he said were just not valid, but I got to the point where I didn't want to fight anymore. I read on someones posts that fighting over $ can surely lead to the demise of a M. Other stupid catty exchanges too. Ugh...don't want to end like this.
We made amends and the rest of our time together was civil...we both hugged and apologized and engaged in some small talk. Then I felt really sad and emotional...when we are civil and friendly w each other those tender feelings come back and I realize I still care for him tremendously. He did apologize several times and said 'sorry I get defensive about money...it's my weak spot and I'm working on it' That was big of him.
I know it's not necessary but at one point - when we were in heat of argument - it just came out that he walked away etc - and he went down the path that 'i made his life hell and i pushed him out' that stuff just stings, especially b/c I've worked on and see things i did. but here we are.
he said he'd go to courthouse this week and get papers and take care of filing and pay the fees. so he is now taking charge in this process. I feel sad and empty again...after weeks of feeling over him (and there are still many qualities that i do not like), I feel the loss raw and new again.
I know I shouldn't go here in my mind but it did pop up last night - 'what if i didn't send the email and go down that path?' = and just let him brings things up. We have our tax appt this Weds so I should have known the $ conversation would have come out eventually. I know I felt like I wanted to get the ball rolling in some ways these past few weeks, now I feel sad and like I want to stall.
I went to church yesterday and lunch w my aunt and really truly felt in my heart 'i am DOne...let's get this on' (especially given his behavior thurs night and all the calls/texts)... and why does it feel so hard again now? It is a roller coaster, I know. Now I understand more where he is coming from and why he reacted that I have more compassion for him (as opposed to feeling irritated by his reaction)...he freaked out when he say my payment suggestion over email and said he fears I have a L and will take him to court or something. I assured him that's not the case, but that's why he got so upset. Now that I can see it more through the lens of understanding, I feel less annoyed/angry at him, and more kindness and love.
I took a hot shower after he left and just let the tears flow. Talked to my mom last night. Slept OK. Just really sad and I don't like feeling this way - I want to feel empowered and strong but there is still a deep tenderness and care I have for him.
ANd I wonder, is it worth fighting over stuff/$? I've agreed to a generous payment plan - and I'm fine w that - but I wonder if I let the $ stuff go would it have made any difference? How to proceed now? Just be calm and kind. I am feeling again like I want to divorce-bust. And I sorta wish I hadn't gotten the ball so in motion...
