When I go back and think about the past 4 months I do see differences. She calls me now instead of emailing. She meets with me face to face without her family in attendance. She shares some personal information with me now. Some other small things too.
See, it took four months for her to warm up just that much, so that gives you a clue about how long of a process it is. But.....I still think there is hope if there is no OM involved. Something just doesn't add up. She has fought tooth & nail to keep from talking to you without having another person with her. She hasn't been very clear about her reasons for leaving. And, that is one thing that is bugging you! I mean, what she has said could go for a lot of women. Most of us have had to deal with the reasons she gave. So, I still feel like there is something she is not revealing.
Anyway, you seem to be doing what is working for now, so hang with that and don't keep trying to figure out something different. Do what works....and what is right.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes, it's all very confusing and doesn't make sense to me either. Someone I know asked me if I thought my W's recent diagnosis of diabetes has anything to do with it. That maybe she doesn't want me to have to deal with it? I can't believe that though. I have be nothing but 100% supportive to her with dealing with the diabetes. I would stand by her side through absolutely anything. Anyway, don't know what else it could be so I'll continue on the path I am on and be patient as I agree with you that it seems to be working...small steps that they are but I'll take them because of my love for my W.
Sandi wrote, "Do what works....and what is right."
Very wise advice and speaks the truth. Doing what works is the what we are all looking for but doing what is right makes me feel good about how I handle the sitch.
By the way Sandi, I wanted to ask you how you are doing? You are always giving of yourself on here to help others and I'm not sure if anyone ever asks you how you are doing? You are an incredibly strong, courageous and giving woman. I cannot properly express how much you have given to me in my sitch and I'm so very thankful that you continue to give me guidance. It sounds like you have a wonderful M. What a truly wonderful example of a M that was able to endure issues through love (tough love at times ). Your story gives me hope and resolve to never give up on my M. I haven't yet begun to fight!
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
Thanks you so much! That is very encouraging to me. I appreciate you asking about my health. I am coping. I have to miss a day here & there, but usually I can come back fairly soon.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, glad to hear you are well. Always like seeing you on the board and reading your advice to others too.
Quick update on my sitch. Pretty good week so far. W and I are communicating regularly by phone this week to take care of selling house. We are agreeing on what to do with house. Our conversations have been friendly and it seems like my W is becoming more comfortable around me. At least I am starting to see her being a bit more comfortable with me. My DB coach said my W needs to become friendly again before things could improve anyway so hopefully this is the start. Just going day by day with it and not putting any expectations on it. Perhaps the dynamic is beginning to change for the better,
Will stay off any R talks and no pursuing. So, all in all, ok for now.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
My DB coach said my W needs to become friendly again before things could improve anyway so hopefully this is the start.
Very true! The WAW is very deffensive at first, so when she is able to feel comfortable around her H, she will begin to relax and let down her guard.....and that will help with less arguing! Being on friendly terms is always a good starting place.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, Your thoughts please on my recap of recent, uncharacteristic moments of the original non-alien Mrs. G. surfacing twiceright before D.
Surviving the Big D Soaring Solo/Gardener Yesterday, 3/3 @ 8:07pm Got replies from six of the men, only one woman: Gypsy. Would really like to know - as a woman and as an almost WAW - what you think might have been happening here. Thanks.
End Hijack Alert
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Received a letter in the mail today from my W's attorney. This was the first letter I have received from W's L since my W left 4 months ago. Letter said that my W would like to amicably discuss division on marital assets. First sentence of letter says that L represents W in separation and eventual D. Just loved reading that sentence. L goes on to say that W wants to meet to discuss these issues. What the hell is my W thinking? We have met and been talking about division of our things. I guess W was upset that I had taken most of the furniture and would not agree to give her any of it as she had taken most of the money from our joint account. Too bad for her. I talked to my L and I don't have to do anything until the one year separation when my W could file. She has to wait one year to file for D in my state.
Just when I thought my W was beginning to show some small signs of softening and then I get this letter today. Unbelievable!!! My W should win an oscar for her acting ability and she acted so loving the week before she left and then began to be friendlier the past two weeks to me. I don't deserve this treatment. Yes, I was depressed and didn't have a job for two years but I loved my W more than anything. Too bad she doesn"t even give me the chance to make changes and doesn't even want to try counseling. How can she just cut and run without even taking some time to work on her own issues and then give us the opportunity to work on our marriage. What a bunch of BS this is...
I have been busting my a$$ this week painting and getting our house ready to sell. She has done nothing. She emailed me today to say she stopped by the house last night and said the painting looked good. She asked me when I wanted her to come in and clean the house. Went on to talk about some other things we need to do for the house to make it ready for sale. I was thinking that it was a positive email with no R talk, separation or D talk. More light-hearted conversation....maybe more softening. Then I go to my mailbox and bam!...I get this letter. What wonderful timing she has to have her L send me this letter this week when I am working my tail off to fix-up the house. Well, that's it for me for the house. I cancelled the carpet cleaning company scheduled for tomorrow and I will not do anymore work on the house. Right now I don't even care if it gets sold.
My W is supposed to call me tonight as we were going to discuss the house sale. I'm sure she knows I received this letter today. She has unbelievable nerve! I'm sorry but I never did anything to her to deserve this. After 19 years together I think she owes it to our M to at least go to counseling for the purpose of working on M and not for closure.
So now here I am fumning mad and thinking what to do next? Should I talk to my W tonight if she calls and confront her over the letter from L? Should I wait until tomorrow to talk to her? Waiting until tomorrow doesn't really change anything. I want to tell her that she can finish the painting and anything else with the house as I am done. I also want to tell her that I do not want her to contact me until this October when she can file for D...I do not want to hear from her. What a manipulitive person she is now. Who is this person? I don't even want to be married to this person, where did my W go? That's the woman I love(d).
After 4 months I guess maybe the writing is on the wall and this M is over after all. I've been DB, GAL, 180s, counseling, church, met with my priest again today, new job(s), so many good things. None of it must be making any difference to my cold hearted W. How can she not at least give our M another try? Neither one of us was ever unfaithful and I still have not found one bit of evidence of her having any A. So I guess the reason she left was because of my lack of a job and the financial stresses? Ok, that was then, this is now. Much has changed. I strongly believe that I deserve another chance...at least the chance for us to go to counseling together. I beleive what my W is doing is one of the most immature things I have ever seen.
I cannot beleive how upset I am right now. I feel like this is becoming a lost cause. I feel like everything I have been doing for the past 4 months has been nothing but a waste of time for my M. I am such a loving and caring person. Maybe it's time to become someone different...
Sorry for the ling rant. Just feel like this letter from L was a kick in the teeth today. Feel like my small bit of hope from the past two weeks is gone...
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
I'm sure it's too late now to tell you not to talk to your W while you are this upset. But let me ask you something. Why are you so shocked and outraged? The woman told you she wanted a D. Is it b/c she acted nice? If so, then that is a perfect example of men placing too much into one little piece of positive behavior. That is why "most" WAW's feel that they have to be cold and act mean b/c if they show any niceness....the LBH immediately thinks she is softening and reads a lot of hope into things.
Look, these past two years was her being "done". She was finished when she walked out that door. She left you & the M and told you she wanted a D. You act as if this is a total surprise to you.
You are mad b/c you have been working so hard on the house. Weren't you getting it ready to sell? Wasn't that the purpose behind it? Now you say you won't do another thing. So......weren't you going to get part of the money if the house sold?
Listen, you are falling back into your old habits if you carry through with this behavior. You have a "whamo" to hit and you get upset, fold camp and stop putting forth any action. That is what she saw in the past. You stopped going forward when you lost your job two years ago and didn't press forward. She needs to see changes. And.....this is not just for her, but for you most of all. Don't lay down and get into the fetal position and cover your head up and stop moving.
This is a challenge to see if you will allow the depression to take over and be in charge of your life, or will you stand up against the depression and take charge and decide that you will be happy and you will have a good life regardless if you get a D or not!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I'm just so frustrated with this process. I am upset with the timing of this letter. Why send it this week when we are both trying to get the house ready and I am working to fix it up everyday? To me it's incredibly disrespectful of my W to have her L send me this letter this week. Yes, I woud have been upset if the letter was sent in another week or month but I think it is highly inappropriate for this letter to have been sent this week.
I didn't talk to my W last night. Actually she never called, texted or emailed me last night or so far today. My guess is she knows I received the letter yesterday and is unsure if she should contact me because she probably knows I am upset. She would be correct.
I will finish up the necessary items to be fixed on the house but not anything extra. My W has done nothing to help so far. She says she will clean but we'll see.
I thought a lot about my M last night and what are/were the problems and what I needed to change. Other than my job issues I really believe I was a wondeful H. Yes, I know there are some other things I need to change and feel like I have been doing those changes now. If I W would ever be willing to talk to me about M and tell me what else she would want to see changed then I could try to work on those issues too. Can't really change what she will not tell me. To be honest I was thinking that it is my W who has not changed at all since she left. It upsets me that the LBH is the one who needs to change. I think the W does as well. I realize that since my W left me and wants the D that she doesn't need to change. It's clear that she is not changing. She still has the same issues with communication, being honest, playing games, immaturity, etc. I wonder what good her IC is for her? What is her IC possibly doing for my W at this point? Doesn't seem to be much unless she is just agreeing with everything my W tells her and is agreeing with my W wanting D.
I won't fall back into my same old habits. The house work needs to be finished and I will finish my part. It is difficult at times not to allow the frustration of all of this consume me. I believe that everyone in life deserves a second chance at least once. It's confusing to me to hear people I know tell me that my W says what a good person i am and then she tears up. Says she is in a different place, etc., etc. If she was having an A then it would at least make some sense...I wouldn't like it but it would make more sense to me why she isn't willing to work on our M. So with no A, I still struggle with why my W is so committed to D.
I read others sitch's here and many at least have some sort of conversation with their spouse about the R. At least they are mature enough to discuss their issues whether or not things work out. That's a start in my book. Seems like I've got a W that wants to continue to bury her head in the sand...again. Lucky me.
I'm all for keeping my changes going because i want to...however it is frustrating that it does not seem to be having any effect on my W. I thought it was until I received the letter. So I ask myself if I am kidding myself with holding out any hope? I don't mean to sound selfish, I know many people on this board have been at this much longer than me. I'm guessing that my W's recent friendly behavior means nothing? I thought/hoped that this might be the beginning of progress with my W. Become friendly again first, right? But I'm not sure it makes any difference in my sitch.
My plan for today is to continue to work on house. I am not planning on talking with W today f she calls...I doubt she will. Earlier this week she didn't return my call for two days because she claimed my voice mail didn't come through on her cell phone until two days after I called...sure! Maybe I'll get the same excuse this time too.
Sorry to vent again. I realize my post has a lot of anger and resentment. I am just upset because I want to save my M and I'm not seeing any progress towards that goal. When I push all of the emotions aside I know how much I still love my W and want to be with her again. Feel like this letter from her L just puts another nail in the coffin.
Last edited by mza8; 03/05/1006:03 PM.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
). Your story gives me hope and resolve to never give up on my M. I haven't yet begun to fight!