Marriage Downgraded to Good Friends on 2/5/10

[imLIN]

Mike...

It sounds like you are in a better place now then when I first read your post.

I think you are doing the wise thing here. Your wife is able to express to you that she needs time...that time may be for her to see how YOU do in making yourself over...it may be for her to actually work on herself...whatever the case TIME is always needed. The fact that she is willing to stay, has ended the online "folly", has not filed for divorce and is somewhat open to the idea that maybe she might after all is said and done be in a place to love you again is a HUGE pluse.

Most who are going through a crisis need TIME...time requires PATIENCE...give her time, show her patience...and as Bill advised, stop talking about...just work on you, keep getting a life like you have been, give her the space she is needing, and there is hope that this might work out...TIME TIME and more TIME

Very few healed/renewed relationships here happened quickly or on the timeline that we wanted...but when it happened we were able to look back and see how important that TIME was for us too.

Take care,

Linda

[Mike in Jax]

Good point on the one-sided marriage.

Thanks for that observation.

[Mike in Jax]

Today, I commit to being positive and to be in control of my emotions.

I realize I cannot stop my mind from producing emotions and can only do my best to limit the affect they have on the way I project myself throughout the day.

I commit to becoming more independent from the things in life which cause me to react emotionally.

I commit to relaxing and thinking only of myself at some point during the day.

I will look forward and not look back.

Good riddance February and Hello March!

[Steve McQueen]

She has asked me for patience so that she can become healthy and actually allow her the opportunity to see if I can be the one to fill her emotional tank.

While I have 2 options, only 1 is plausible at this time and that is to develop myself and give her the time she needs to let things move along.

I would proceed cautiously. This was just number 1. She felt the "tingle".

Number 2 will more than likely be local.

[Mike in Jax]

Possibly, but I have faced the news of being separated from my wife. At this point, she is free to do whatever she wants as she had professed to living her "selfish" phase.

Her commitment in our relationship has never been questioned in the past and while she may not be in line for a reconcile now, she isn't going to end it without giving the family their just due of us trying to make it work. She might - but I doubt it as our son has no comprehension of the word "divorce".

After 20 years, she is tired and needs a break from my roller coaster of negativity and stress/emotion management issues coupled with the vices. No, it hasn't been pretty for her.

I am going to give her the space she needs to identify who she is and in turn, I am going to do some work on myself, make myself a little less available to her, start working out, maybe get my hair colored but definitely making a sound investment with my 9 year old son.

I am getting a life and beginning to see the light of day that I am a good person who aspires for much more in life than a single dimension automaton who merely produces the monthly nut.

She deserves better than my single dimension and I deserve better than a woman who believes she can multi-task an online affair with her family and marriage.

Yes, I do!

Here is what I did to get a life today:

1) Positive affirmations on the way to work
a. Think Positive
b. Project how you would like to be viewed by people
c. Look forward, not back
2) Played 25 minutes of street hockey with my son
3) Had an Eye Doctor appointment
4) About ready to sit down with a cup of tea and read a book, "The Men They Will Become" written about the idea of raising your son to be a man.

While I haven't been in this spot long, I am in the best spot I have been in since the bomb dropped.

All I can say to people in my position out there is:

Just do it - move on, look forward, let go of the side of the pool and start to float again.

I spent 20+ days wrapped around the axle and what it took was for me to accept change and figure a plan to subdue the emotions.

It was a good day.

[Mike in Jax]

Question - what role does menapause play on the WaW Syndrome?

My wife has entered the phase in her life and is probably 1 solid year into it.

I suspect the hormones and chemical imbalance would contribute some bit to this - almost like a chemical based mid-life crisis?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Mike,

That sounds like a really good plan. Do me a favor, and let us know how that book is. I have a S17 and S13, and I might pick it up myself.

I do think there is something about menopausal -- and esp. pre-menopausal -- women, and wanderlust/waywardness/walkawayness. Because "mid- to late-forties" seems to be WAY above the norm around here.

Puppy

[marriedCrazy]

Possibly, but I have faced the news of being separated from my wife. At this point, she is free to do whatever she wants as she had professed to living her "selfish" phase.

Her commitment in our relationship has never been questioned in the past and while she may not be in line for a reconcile now, she isn't going to end it without giving the family their just due of us trying to make it work. She might - but I doubt it as our son has no comprehension of the word "divorce".

After 20 years, she is tired and needs a break from my roller coaster of negativity and stress/emotion management issues coupled with the vices. No, it hasn't been pretty for her.

I am going to give her the space she needs to identify who she is and in turn, I am going to do some work on myself, make myself a little less available to her, start working out, maybe get my hair colored but definitely making a sound investment with my 9 year old son.

I am getting a life and beginning to see the light of day that I am a good person who aspires for much more in life than a single dimension automaton who merely produces the monthly nut.

She deserves better than my single dimension and I deserve better than a woman who believes she can multi-task an online affair with her family and marriage.

Yes, I do!

Here is what I did to get a life today:

1) Positive affirmations on the way to work
a. Think Positive
b. Project how you would like to be viewed by people
c. Look forward, not back
2) Played 25 minutes of street hockey with my son
3) Had an Eye Doctor appointment
4) About ready to sit down with a cup of tea and read a book, "The Men They Will Become" written about the idea of raising your son to be a man.

While I haven't been in this spot long, I am in the best spot I have been in since the bomb dropped.

All I can say to people in my position out there is:

Just do it - move on, look forward, let go of the side of the pool and start to float again.

I spent 20+ days wrapped around the axle and what it took was for me to accept change and figure a plan to subdue the emotions.

It was a good day.

^^^^^^^^^^^I like this

[Mike in Jax]

Today, I commit to being positive and in control of my emotions.

I realize I cannot stop my mind from producing emotions and can only do my best to limit the affect they have on the way I project myself throughout the day.

I commit to becoming more independent from the things in life which cause me to react emotionally.

I commit to relaxing and thinking only of myself at some point in the day.

I will look forward and not look back.

[faithisbelieving]

Mike....follow your heart. Read bworls posts. They are always dead on.

I was where you were once Mike. I truly pray that you will save your marriage. I just want to impress on you that the ONLY way to save this is to let go, stop pursuing your marriage and DO YOUR OWN THING FOR YOU AND YOUR KIDS.

The BEST way to do this is to literally grieve the loss of your marriage, at least the way it was. By doing so..(again...I hope you read Dr. Gray's book), it starts you on a path of detachment. It releases you from focusing on the marriage, gives her the space she needs and also allows YOU more time to rebuild, regroup and to stop smothering them.

Stay reality based Mike. Those women who separate usually go on to divorce. In most cases, it's because there IS a man in the background and they DO LIE.

Am I being a naysayer? No Mike. I am giving you an all too common scenario here. It doesn't mean that you can't or won't save your M, it just means that you need to use this information to process your life.

There are only two choices Mike:
1)Stand for your marriage
2)Throw in the towel

Obviously, you choose option one, so, make choices so that you can walk the line. Understand that they don't change overnight and that this is a long road. Understand you must disconnect, detach, take care of your kids and get out of her face. Understand that you MUST develop new tools in your life. Understand that, although hope is a great thing, the battle is uphill.

On the postiive side, someone always told me when facing a competitive market/area of specialization, that: "there is always room for one more at the top." We pray that YOU are the one to save your M.

Blessings.
FIB