BUNS, ABS, AND HEART OF STEEL #3

[HeartsBlessing]

Hi Trusting;
I know you thought I'd ignored your question on my thread, but I missed it, somehow, and didn't see it until tonight.
Here's the answer I posted:

I'm SO sorry, Trusting; I do NOT know how I missed this one, but I did. I was reading back through the thread to see if I'd missed anything, and found your post.

Here's your answer, and again, I'm sorry.

HB,
Could you give us insight as to your interpretation of what life is with the ML'er and OW, is it typically argumentive, blissful,hell, competitive, etc...?

Could be ALL of the above, depending on who is dealing with who, Trusting.
There is a couple I know; who split up, and the Midlife man went on and married his OW. He is a friend of my husband's, and has been for the past 22 years.

He went into the tunnel in 1997; and has been there ever since.
He married his OW in 2007 or 2008..it may have been earlier than that.

This has to be the oddest marriage I have ever seen. The OW, who is no longer the OW, will NOT allow her husband to raise any cain, will NOT listen to it..and has directed him to call MY husband if he's got any complaints.
She, on the other hand, is constantly complaining about how his ex-wife is "screwing" them both..and now remember he is suffering consequences for his actions THROUGH his former LBS.
Everything the former LBS is supposed to be doing to them is legal tactics; and she has a RIGHT...but this present wife doesn't think so.
The former LBS, at one point, got after him for sticking HER with the tax bill for the last year they were married. The IRS couldn't find him, so they got her, and threatened to put a lien on her house. She paid the tax bill, but she has never let him forget that.

They DO fight quite a bit, and most of the time do not care who's present when they fight. They fight over stupid stuff and at the drop of a hat.
Both of them want it to be all fun and games, but life gets in the way, as it always does, and they fight. I've begun to think they're not happy unless they are fighting about SOMETHING.
It is stormy most of the time with them.

From what I have observed, they live their lives as teenagers, dressing like kids, acting like kids; he is around 56, she's 47. They are SO jealous of each other it's pathetic; and they're joined at the hip.
How long this will last, I have NO clue.

His children has a hard time of it; his son has pretty well come to terms with it, his daughter is another story; there is alot of damage there.

He is STILL within the tunnel..he told me a few months ago, that he was trying to make some important decisions; he's aware that I KNOW what's up with him. (He got mad at me, when I told him).

His ex-wife finally got tired of all he was doing; the wishy-washy routine, hopping between her and OW; dragging his feet about making a choice between them, and filed in 2001.
He went on with the OW.

She says it was the BEST thing she ever did. It's been a few years, now and she's remarried, having married someone MUCH better than her ex-husband ever was.

She DID go on, take her journey and learn her lessons, most, before she remarried.

I'm fairly sure ain't NONE of the MLC/OW "relationships happy..there's plenty of thorns in the "roses".

It's all based on deception, and when it's based like that, it cannot last for long..and if it does last any length of time, it's fraught with trouble, heartache, fighting..and the list goes on.
Only "kids" would half way put up with it, if it goes on for a long period of time; in my humble opinion.



The following has been drawn from memory and from the research I did before on OWs during MLC. Maybe this will ALSO answer your question in some depth:

I recall a posting that I wish I could find, but it is not here anymore called "Neurotics attract Neurotics" that pretty well detailed the relationship between MLC'er and OW.

It is my understanding that there are several types of MLC affair relationships between different MLC'ers and OWs.

The majority of the time it not about money, sex or anything of that sort for the MLC'er. According to Jim Conway; the Midlife man is looking for understanding and an emotional connection, and this whole scenario gets out of control before he knows it; ESPECIALLY if somewhere, buried deep within his heart, he doesn't intend to leave his wife in the first place.

There's a few that are looking for some "late night lusting" and may do several "one night stands". Don't know anyone who's done that.

In his mind, as he's looking for that understanding/emotional connection, his wife won't do; because he's seeing HER as the enemy, AND the one at fault(which is SO not true) so he begins a friendship with another woman, that, in time can get out of control, becoming the Midlife Affair. It can start as an Emotional type connection, and possibly NEVER go physical.
Some start up as an EA, go to a PA, because of "trickery" on the part of the OW, who is not above using sex to keep this man, because she says she "luvs" him.
Women, as a general rule, give sex to get love, and OW is like that to an extent, except she equates love with sex; and both are not the same.
Trouble is, the MLC'er doesn't have any more of a clue of what love really is than the OW does.

It is also my understanding that OW, is a woman that's just as emotionally damaged as the MLC'er is; even possibly going through MLC herself. Her agenda might be the same or even quite different from his.
She may be married, or not.

As strange as this may sound; he might NOT be looking for just a girlfriend; he may be "re-creating" a connection from long ago; and believe it or not; in his eyes, OW could take the form of his "mother"; so he can make the break once again (the same break he was unable to do when leaving his mother so long ago) this time for good. Yet, OW, while she's in the picture, can act as a band-aid, distracting him to that he doesn't look at his issues.
He doesn't have the responsibility while with her, and she's not going to pressure him about money for kids, groceries, bills and such.

In that process, Neurotics have attracted each other..and they begin using each other for different things. Neither sees it like that; and I've heard all the terms from "she's my soul mate," to "she really understands me like no one else does." To me it's a bunch of blah, blah, blah, and yadda, yadda, yadda.
Acting like a couple of teens that are SO immature.

Trouble really starts, as the "relationship" becomes close; and they start having disagreements; this comes after a period of time; most especially after the affair gets blown out into the open; whether by getting caught or by the MLC'er telling LBS what he's doing.

The MLC'er is a controller; but so is the OW; and they have fights about different issues. Depending upon how the MLC'er views the OW...their life can be stormy or relatively calm;(well, at least while they are sneaking around) neither condition should last very long, at the most, two years.
Again, it depends upon the reasoning(or lack of) BEHIND the MLC affair; and it is doubtful you'd ever find out for sure.

OW is mostly insecure(remember she's got problems, too), and tries to hold on to the MLC'er by appeasement and other tactics that eventually will wear thin.

Either that, or the MLC'er will "smother" the OW because of HIS insecurities; because he really doesn't trust her(in his moments of clarity, ANY woman who will cheat with him, will cheat ON him), being excessively jealous..and THAT puts strain on their "relationship."

A general Midlife affair can last from six months to two years; yet, they've been known to last longer, depending on both parties....and will usually dissolve as the couple starts toward the stage where a committment should take place.

Even though he's not looking at his issues, a few of his issues can be settled during the MLC affair, such as the "mother" deal, or even, as the affair is melting down, he suddenly realizes that he really DOES love his wife..this can come while he's beginning to "wake up" to the fact that he's made a mess of his life.

More fighting ensues, when he attempts to break the affair off; or even as the OW realizes this is not working and tries to do it.

You will usually have one or the other who will not let go; it is rare that both will agree to call it quits at the same time.

Since an affair is an "addiction" quite similar to a drug, it may take some time to break it up completely.

If OW breaks it off, the MLC'er will chase her, pestering her; if the MLC'er breaks it off, the OW will chase him.

It is VERY important that if the MLC'er is trying to break off his affair to just watch..or even if OW is attempting to end things.
It WILL add time, and/or make things worse if it is interfered with..believe me, I know, I made this mistake.

When the whole thing FINALLY winds down, the MLC'er will go into "OW Withdrawal" which is DIFFERENT than the stage of Withdrawal.
He MUST have time to remove her from his heart and his mind.
The patience of the LBS is tried sorely during this time; as he's processing the affair and the fallout it has caused.

As hard as it is, he must be left alone to get through; as he will be suffering greatly; this is a serious mistake he's made and a betrayal of not just his marriage, his vows and his wife, but also of himself.

I know you asked one question, Trusting, but the memories were coming back on the other, so I included BOTH in this post.

Hopefully, this will all help.