I think I'd rather be dead than this- WAW

[Quart9]

"I knew you would eventually find out about him. He and I talked about it and we discussed how much it would hurt you once you found out, but WE decided that it would be ok."

My W said this to me the night that I confronted her about OM back in Jan and it has resonated in me ever since. She had been talking to OM for about a month and a half at that point. I don't see how in that time such a bond could grow between them that my WIFE was making decisions with ANOTHER MAN that would impact me and our marriage. That's cold bro.

I haven't posted in a few of days. I have done some real soul searching. I took Gnosis's advice and re-read my sitch and tried to be objective about it. I read a lot of things that I didn't pay that much attention to before. I imagined that if I were another person reading this thread I would be saying, "what is this guy's problem - he's pathetic - he really needs to move on and GAL."

So I sat down and wrote out a pros and cons list like Gnosis suggested. Here's a rant on some of the things that that list showed me:

I can't live like this anymore. I don't want her out of my life and I still want to be married to her, but she basically treats me like a 2nd class citizen and I'm tired of it. I'm better than that and I need to recognize that her actions show me that she is truly "done" with me and our marriage.

I envy people on here that can forgive their spouses for cheating and having affairs, and I MIGHT be able to forgive my W one day but it won't be anytime soon. My W's mindset is: once she took off her rings and got me outta our apartment she was single again and she has been living like this for almost 3 months now. In her warped sense of being single she feels her sole responsibility is to take care of her happiness and this means it is ok to date and sleep with OM even if they are both still married. There are no consequenses for her really! She doesn't care if she looses me- I'm not the bread winner, we don't have kids, and there's no property to deal with. Worst case scenerio she has to pay me spousal support and that is not guaranteed. With all of that said it doesn't really matter if I forgive her.

The bottom line is she has done the best she can to detach from me. She's never shown any hint of interest in reconciling with me and I need to accept that.

My filing for D will not make my heartache feel better and it won't make me miss her less. If anything it will simply free me to move on with my life and try to redirect my focus where it needs to be - doing well in school and becoming more desirable for someone who would want to be with me. So my options are:

1.stay in this situation and be miserable indefinitely or until she decides to file
2.file for D and be miserable for how ever long miserable lasts and do my best to get over it and move on. Maybe we'll be together again someday or maybe not.

I have an appointent with my attorney tomorrow and I'm gonna go with option 2. I'm gonna talk to my attorney to find out if exposing her and OM would put me at any more risk of receiving a RO or not receiving spousal support. If not, I'm going to come home and let the exposure begin.