Haven't been sleeping well this week, it's weird how after months this continues to hit you.
It's truly amazing, isn't it? But it's normal and healthy because just "getting over" a marriage and moving on like nothing happened is unhealthy and unnatural. So it will take some time. But it looks like you're approaching everything in the right way.
I'm sorry about the ad hominem attack by robx on your thread.
Rob,
You don't know me, so you have no ability to speak to my life or my situation.
Your way may have worked for you, but that does not mean that you are an expert at knowing what another needs or does not need to do.
By the way, neither am I.
I have always presented myself as I am, and I have always made clear that my opinions are just that - mine. Truth be told, I have spent alot of time here in the last several weeks trying to provide balance for the incredibly one-sided and narrow focus that you brutalize people with here.
We don't have to agree. Clearly we do not.
But you also do not have to continually attack my personal life, a subject of which you know nothing. My wife would be more than happy to respond to your inappropriate post, and I am most certain that you would not care for her response to you.
Let's stick to offering our advice to others, and end the childish behavior of predicting doom and gloom for someone you don't even know.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I think Bill and Deb set a good example to their children that we do not always need to go running off after love. Love is great. And I can see from their posts that they show love for each other whether they are together or not. But it is important to have priorities in life, and running off to play siamese twin with your soulmate should not take precedence over other things. People often delay gratification, whether by going to college and graduate schools, off to war, or in this case, raising children before getting together with their loved one. Teaching the benefits of delayed gratification to children is an important lesson. Bill and Deb are doing right by their kids and by each other.
Bill, again thanks for what you wrote - yeah, I'm looking at a future where I'm doing these things. It's hard to overstate how important my boys are to me, but yeah, as everyone, I'm used to the partnership parenting. I do expect my W to see them almost daily, if she's got them after school - it's going to be a 50/50 arrangement - but that partnering is not the same as making a home toegether, obviously. But I think I can do it. So your post was encouraging.
I question my continuing to post, because again I'm past DBing now. I guess I still need the contact with everyone here who can relate. Hope you guys don't mind. It's funny the steps that you observe yourself going through, you didn't see them coming - seems I've taken a step in the last couple of days in really feeling like an intact unit. Feeling much less like half of a divorcing couple all of a sudden and more like a guy with a life to invest in. Maybe part of that is this plan to move back into the house and buy her out, that I can envision a future. Maybe it's knowing she's seeing / seen OM this weekend, and really feeling that it's her life, she can do what she wants.
She left a message on Friday, and I can honestly say I have no urge to call her back. Don't feel like I need the contact, like it does anything for me.
I've been making a lot of phone calls to old friends and family over the past months, wanting to talk, needing support - and all of a sudden I'm feeling like I don't need to do that so much.
I actually felt a moment of contentment last night, with the boys in bed, and sitting down to read - a moment where I wasn't trying to distract myself, but was actually able to take a breath without some trace of sorrow. or anger, or something having to do with this situation - to feel positive. Maybe that sounds small, but I recognized it as something I haven't felt for a long time.
I did buy "Learned Optimism" btw
Processing this stuff: you know we hear all the time about the state of marriage in our society. I was doing web searches last night on divorce, and noted the articles that came up about, if you're not getting what you need out of your marriage, don't continue to invest in it... decide if you should get out... Our therapist clearly was on the side of, why should you stay in a M if you're not happy... I've thought about how disappointed I was in my W that she just gave up. It's easy to say, your values suck, you lied to me about your commitment, etc.
I'm not sure what I believe about marriage right now. I did believe that it should be until death. And I believed my W believed that too.
Clearly our culture doesn't support that idea.
I wonder if believing that led to behaviors of taking W for granted. I don't know, I was living with a depressed woman for a long time, she was no picnic in a lot of ways, and not once did I think of trying to get out.
I do think that my focus was on the life and family; the partnership rather than the relationship.
I've got things to learn from this. And it's going to take time.
Well, I'm sure I'll have more to say on this later. I suppose this is just my journal now. Funny, not really knowing you guys, but I greatly value this interaction. I had a friend tell me, nobody's going to know what this is like without having gone through it themselves.
Puppy you know me better than that or you should. Bworl ran off tridoc in the new thread that he started with his opinions, I told him that was crap and I called him on it. I spoke to "Deb", Bworl's wife and I had my conversation with her on this issue already, I have nothing against her or Bworl personally (seriously how could I, I don't know them personally), Bworl has a chip on his shoulder with a "holier than thou" attitude that I didn't care for, all we can offer is opinions and free advice on these forums but I didn't like it when his opinions pretty much attacked tridoc under his new assumed userid, after that he never responded again to this thread and that wasn't cool. FWIW I discussed this with "Deb" on another thread and I think she's a beautiful lady, she certainly sounds like it.
That's ALL I'm going to offer on this particular discussion, 'nuff said.
Same old cycle. This is almost becoming predictable.
W was glad to see me tonight. Made dinner for all of us. Then the wine, the long conversation about how awful this all is, the good and bad of our relationship, exploring her feelings about our intimacy, and ultimately, bathtub sex.
It's late and I'm not going to say much more now, but again, when I think we're at the end, something happens.
Not sure where we are now, honestly. Thursday we have the appointment with the mediator to write up the settlement. She implied something tonight about delaying the D again, but don't think it was a fully formed thought.
Anyway, our conversation ranged over a lot of the thoughts I've already posted here and some other territory too.
Next steps? I think I'm going to sit quietly for the next couple of days.
That's nice that you had a pleasant evening together. i suggest that you go ahead and divorce her, and if you want to date her, and be one of the men she is with, that's fine. But the passive aggressive hit on your birthday was no mistake. She will continue to swing back and forth on this pendulum, trying to keep you as a safety net while she also plays the field. From what I've read from you up to this point, I don't think that is what you want. So I suggest you take her up on the divorce, since she will never come through on the reconciliation, at least not at this point. Maybe after a few of life's lessons she will change her mind. And then again, maybe not. But at least you will be free to move on in your life too.
I could have written your second to last post Bill. I am in exactly the same place that you are in right now except my w and I are not having bathtub sex. I am feeling content as a single dad, looking forward to my future, trying to build my business. Worrying about where my W is going on her weekends is the last thing on my mind. Matter of fact, I am meeting a woman I met online on thursday night. I would suggest you do what Lotus said.
Last edited by v1olin; 03/01/1005:33 PM.
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
Oh, yeah. I got the phone message this morning of "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't sleep all night, I don't want to hurt your feelings, etc."
I returned her call later, she said nothing's changed, she wants to move ahead. I said stop worrying. The 4th or 5th time around on the merry-go-round, you start to recognize the scenery.
She acknowledged it's the same thing, I was becoming more distant, she's processing moving out of the house, we sat down and starting talking about each missing our "best friends", etc.
I think we both acknowledged that the crap that's happened over the past couple of months - the conflict, the anger, etc. is really all BS, distracting from the core issue, which has been our intimate connection.
I guess in other words, I'm tired of being angry.
I don't know, maybe this is all coming out as cavalier. I hope not. But, nothing changes - and this time I didn't expect it to change. The funny thing is, without that expectation, seems like we could talk a whole lot better. Well, I could anyway, she still experienced a whole lot of anxiety.
Lotus - thanks for the response. Yep.
V1olin - sounds like you're in a good space. Good!
