Holy Crap! Didn't expect THIS!

[Dom R]

heya... first, a cautionary note; i may sound like i'mm suggesting you act like attila the hun, all bitchy and yelling. I'm not.
What i'm thinking might work for you, would be "caring, soft-spoken, but firm".
(you know... like a parent calmly telling a child, Yes, you ARE going to do your homework and that's that :-/ )
(if thats what works with him. contrariwise, if what's been working with him lately has been Attila... then Hun Up )

anyways, to your question...

Thanks for checking in! I feel daft-- I mean, I get it in theory, but not in practice. Like say "Dude, it's been a week now, we need to make decisions..now!" He asked for me to give him some time and not pressure him since he already feels overwhelmed by everything....

What sort of stepping up to do you mean?

What would that look like??

well, lets review "where you two are right now":

I’m really ticked right now because if we were a married couple (in the traditional sense) I would say that *we* would get thru it and that if Son needed to move back in, that’s what would happen, and I would make sure you to the docs to make sure you get properly diagnosed. But I don’t know how to say that, given the situation.”

He said “Well, actually, I was thinking this is the catalyst, the lightening strike, or whatever from the Universe. I have NEVER been able to get away from you no matter how hard I try. It’s like we’re just meant to be and I’ve been fighting it. I’m stuck with you for the rest of my life- and I am lucky to have you.”

Point #1: his son needs him

Point #2: he has been an idiot for the last 2 years. said it himself.

Point #3: these dumb-ass "baby steps" do not work for you two. Introduce/remind him of the "do what works; stop doing what doesnt work" principle.

What works: you two being together. HE ENJOYES it.
The only thing getting in the way, is his "grass is greener on the other side" attitudes. His unwillingness to commit to choosing you and only you.
There is NO WAY TO BABY STEP INTO THAT. He already KNOWS he cares about you, already KNOWS you get along well... there is NOTHING LEFT TO DO, EXCEPT COMMIT. To being with you. To acting like a properly married man. To growing up.


PS: to his "no pressure now, I'm feeling overwhelmed with everything" excuse:
with someone else, I might think, "okay, sure, that sounds reasonable".
But with HIM, I'd say the translation of that is, "I feel so guilty now, if you push me now, I might actually do the right thing! So please leave me alone, so I can do my usual thing of ignoring these feelings. Once I get over them, we can get back to doing what we usually do."

I could be wrong there, but...

To put it another way... when has it ever WORKED, for you to back off when he has felt like this?

PPS: if you're looking for wording suggestions, heck, go with what your gut told you in the first place:
"Dude, its been a week, we need to make some decisions now"

[Trixi]

I 'heart' you Dom! Muh'wah!!

I think you are spot on! That was a HUGE help! I am now going to read that over and over.

My daughter called last night (thank GOD!)and she played it like every thing was cool, she didn't understand why I was worried; but when I tried to get any real info from her, she was evasive. My H and I meet with an intervention specialist Monday to formulate a plan of action.

That was a relief.

But when it rains, it pours. My teammates returned from a real estate conference and are now switching up how the team works. ANd how it will work is they get all the listings and I get the buyers. This model (where one person is the buyer's agent) is usually where a newbie starts. I have 10 years experience. Working with just buyers will mean that I will only have a limited ability to make money because there are only so many buyers you can work with. Unlike listings where you can have 40 listings at once and be able manage them if you have the proper systems in place(while other agents sell them for you). Buyers are time intensive and no matter how you hack it, there are only so many hours in a day. OH, and did I mention the commission split would be even less than it already is?

They are committed to this new model and I have 60 days to decide, but they want to implement it immediately. Great.

So, I guess I am going to be changing what company I work for in the extreme near future.

In a sense, now H and I are "even" for stresses-- he has to find a whole new job, but I can move my license wherever I want so that change isn't AS stressful. BUT, I have to pack and move. (Assuming we're actually getting back together...)
He's meeting with his parents today; I assume to tell them what's going on and maybe get some advice... I don't know.

[JCJ]

I'm so pleased your daughter called

(((Trixi)))

[Trixi]

That rat bstard mother f@cker is back pedaling!

OMG I am livid!

(There is a possibility that because neither of us slept very well we are not thinking clearly and are being overly emotional.)

But this morning I could feel he was pulled away; I should have know better than to want to try to talk over some stuff. I didn't want to "do" anything, per se, but kind of go thru things and make bite sized things to address later. (Because I feel extremely overwhelmed and the size and complexity of everything; I was hoping we could kind of tease out the different things; make them a little more organized; act like a TEAM.) I feel stunned and paralyzed...

Anyway, long story short, he said that (recognizing that it might be just that he's tired) he isn't sure what he wants to do. He's not sure that we'd be getting back together for "the right reasons"; last night he said he was committed to really trying and giving it a real shot with him not half in half out and then this morning he says that. Of course, even what he said last night wasn't exactly comforting because he called it "giving it one last shot". (That's NOT a real commitment in my mind, but maybe I am splitting hairs at this point.)

Last week we're "stuck with each other and he gives up- might as well figure out how to make it work" and this week it's more of the same bullsht!

I didn't handle his disclosure very well; admitted that my visceral response was "eff you, I hate you, get the eff out of my house"; but that I was tired too and not thinking rationally. Just feeling hurt and confused myself.

I guess I should have known. Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut and not freaked him out.

I asked him "If you know for sure we'd be happy, would you have a problem committing?" Him "not at all" Me "Exactly. So, given that we enjoy each other, and all the rest- about the only thing we ever disagree on is "commitment". And when we disagree on that we feel unhappy. But it seems like if we could just commit, a major cause of our unhappiness would go away." I also said (nod to Dom) that it seemed to me that he needs to get over the "grass is greener" thing and start working on his own lawn.

He really wants me to back off and not pressure him; let him decide if we really should get back together--if the reasons are good enough.
I guess there is nothing I *can* do besides that. Encouraging even talking about things made him retreat.

I am so angry right now. I feel mad at myself for bringing it up. I feel mad at myself for ever even thinking that he might be serious about not being half in and half out. And I am mad at him for reverting back to the same waffley, "I don't know; I'm so confused" BS!! Effing MAN the EFF UP, grab your balls and do the right effing thing.

[ClingingToHope]

Isn't it natural for their to be pull backs along the way. In the success stories I read, I don't remember any where it just clicked again. It's a hard process.

Back off, get some rest and see what comes next. I think 99 percent of us would still like to be in your shoes. I know I would.

[Trixi]

Thanks CTH.

I think it just felt like more of the same (him waffling AGAIN). I do have an opportunity (hopefully) that many people don't get. I shouldn't squander it.

And I did dig in to his state of mind at an inopportune time.

In fact, I took a nap earlier and that helped me a great deal. Just got back from the store where I picked up several different post-it notes in different colors so that I can write down what needs to be done in all these different areas of my life and then start chipping away at them. And they are all things that need to be done regardless of what H says.

[LolaL]

Honestly, I think your reaction was pretty natural. The anger that we feel as the LBS is understandable, and it is one of shi* or get off the pot. We can deal with either way, it is the unknown factor that is the worst part.

If I may, I think the best thing you can do now IS back off of him. Let him really see what life will be like without you. YOu don't have eto be secretive, or date others, that is not what I am suggesting, but don't be too readily available. Even just saying you need some time to yourself to "think".

Let him think that maybe you are having second thoughts, and see how it feels. Don't cut contact, but be nonchalant. If he asks whats wrong, use the woman addage "I'm fine..." that seems to always get them. They know something is wrong, but also know with that you are not going to tell him.

It is okay you to take a step back, and catch your breath. I agree, I would love to be in your shoes, but I also know from others that reconciling is the easy part. It is the piecing that is tough.

(((Hugs)))

[Lotus]

I'd say something, if I could think of anything to say. But I'm speechless. maybe he just can't get roommate to budge.

[Trixi]

He doesn't want me to move in until around the end of April. (Assuming we decide for sure to get back together.) I am sure that the roommate should easily be able to find a new place by then.

So, it wasn't even a thing of "oh crap, moving is hard!" He said that figuring out where to put my stuff, etc is "easy" compared to figuring out if we are "getting back together for the right reasons". I guess having your kids fall apart, your job disappear and a wife that would actually take you back and be your partner after the years of limbo just isn't enough of a reason.

Tomorrow, I go to court with him for his continued DUI fight; then we go to the intervention specialist to formulate a plan on how to intervene effectively with Daughter. Friday we go to the MS specialist for Son to consult about him taking the drug that has a side effect of death. Hopefully, somewhere in between, we get a rehab center lined up and find my daughter to offer her that option.

I am just so disappointed because when he was expressing how bad he felt that he hadn't lead our family and had just walked away...and how lucky he was to have me...and then this....it's just so disappointing to have him do this to me again. I got kind of in his face and said "You said you thought that was your bolt of lightning! NOW what do you need to be the bolt of lightning!?" He was like "I don't need another one..I don't know."

Wow, Lotus, I'm sorta surprised that you're speechless...

[Dom R]

Lotus: he doesnt "need" roommate to budge. it's his house.
Unless they have some kind of legal rental agreement, which I GREATLY DOUBT, all he legally has to do is say, "get the hell out of my house".
(but I Am Not A Lawyer(tm)(R)(s)(Pat.Pend))

Trixi:
once again, ponder, "what works, and what doesnt".

this "for the right reasons", is garbage and you know it.

Suggestion: Tell him you're not going to put up with HIS crap, any more, unless he's willing to put up with YOUR crap. From now on. permenantly.

Suggestion: Tell him you arent going to court with him tomorrow unless he grows up, and makes a decision. Otherwise he's on his own. Tomorrow, and for the rest of his life.

then STOP TALKING TO HIM.
Any time he even attempts to make contact with you, your only reply should be something along the lines of, "Have you decided to grow up yet?"

If his reply is ANYTHING BUT "yes", your reply is

*click*.


To LolaL: she's already tried the "halfway" approach to this.
It's gotten her "halfway" reconciled.


To Trixi: THIS is the other "bolt of lighting" that he needs.
an he's been needing it, for 2 years.