The tunnel of darkness

[kjensen]

Thanks RU- I sure don't feel like a rock.

Its been a rough two weeks with the new commute. When things wear me out I tend to think of H with some resentment..that he's doing nothing financially or emotionally for his daughters..yet going after my financial assets and child sport via the divorce.

My pity parties don't last long and they are private affairs.

But even though I am GALing when I can and am enjoying making my own decisions on buying things for the girls or myself without needing H's input/opinion, I really do miss him(the way he used to be). I really miss having my best friend beside me to share the days' events, dreams and hopes of the future. I miss having my family whole.

D14 had a meltdown today...she rarely has them. Says that nothing in her life is working.. she settled down and we had a bit of a talk..but now its apparent that even though she seemed to be handling things well, it is a facade. She's really strugglng inside with all kinds of stuff,not just the divorce.

Being a teenager is so rough sometimes. I wouldn't want to go back to that now..don't envy H his mental timeframe.

H did show up at D14's drumline competiton in Loveland today-bit of a drive for him. D14 said she saw him for 3 seconds before their performance. I didn't go since I had to shuttle D12 to a birthday party.

Suppose I'll see him tomorrow at the trip meeting with D12. Really don't want to. With the divorce stuff that is going on I just feel like he is two-faced and feeling entitled. I think its fear causing his about-face on wanting money/assets from me, but I still feel deceived. He always said that he didn't want 'stuff' from me, that he needed to stand on is own two feet..blah blah blah. His talk isn't matching the lawyer's 'walk'.

Going to restart therapy and hope I can convince one or both girls to start as well.

[HeartsBlessing]

Hello K,

RU is right, you ARE a rock, standing strong in a very deep stream..but you're not getting washed away, and that is what's important.

There aren't that many people who can stand, and keep going...this is really hard to do in the face of all you're enduring.

A better day will come; it always does, and you'll be fine.

Your husband won't, though, he'll have lost everything, and he won't even see it; not right this minute; but he will.

Its been a rough two weeks with the new commute. When things wear me out I tend to think of H with some resentment..that he's doing nothing financially or emotionally for his daughters..yet going after my financial assets and child sport via the divorce.

It's normal to think of your husband with resentment; you've worked hard for what you have; and you just want to hide everything you've got in a really deep hole so he can't find it. And you'd do it if you could get away with it. Unrealistic, I know, but that's how you feel.

Look at your pity parties as something that blows the stress off you for now..this is also normal.

I feel for your daughter; puberty is a rough thing for a teen to have to deal to begin with, and coupled with her dad in MLC; it makes things even rougher on her.
At least you're there to talk to her when she needs you, and she knows that.

With the divorce stuff that is going on I just feel like he is two-faced and feeling entitled. I think its fear causing his about-face on wanting money/assets from me, but I still feel deceived. He always said that he didn't want 'stuff' from me, that he needed to stand on is own two feet..blah blah blah. His talk isn't matching the lawyer's 'walk'.

You've got him pegged. He's both and a whole lot more; ought to be ashamed of himself for stealing from the kids' college fund, and you KNOW he's the force behind his lawyer, though I can guarantee you he's saying the lawyer's doing this and that; and your husband has NOTHING to do with it; so he SAYS(Liar, liar, pants on fire).
We know the lawyer only does what his client pays him to do.
So, your husband's REALLY not fooling anyone..he just thinks he is.
Funny, how they think the LBS doesn't see through them.

The behavior of saying one thing and doing another is one of the hallmarks of MLC. You can never listen to what they say; just watch what they do.

Hang in there, K; I'm hoping things will work out all right; just make sure you're protecting yourself as much as you can financially, that's all you can do..and I know you're doing the best you can.

Remember, you ARE The Rock, standing strong, no matter what you say.

[Grace_O]

K,

You have alot on your plate and the added commute can really wear you down.

I'm sorry your D's are having a tough time right now. Having to keep an eye and ear open esp if you have one (or more) that doesn't talk is hard. If they are willing to talk to a C that's great. If not, I'm sure you will find your own path and be able to help them with theirs.

HUGS

[kjensen]

Thanks HB and Grace.

Its really nice to hear words of encouragement.

Went to D12's trip meeting today and H sat next to me for the 3 hours. D12 on the other side of me, feeling cruddy with an awful cold she just picked up. H kept trying to engage D12 and she really didn't respond.

I didn't bring up anything about how we are paying for this trip with H, asked my lawyer to bring it up with H's before the college money is split, so hopefully he'll 'pay' for part of the trip. H's lawyer knew nothing about the trip..

H noticed my iphone (I'd been worried about his reaction weeks ago)..he seemed OK with it and interested-at least it gave him something to talk about with me for a bit.

As we were leaving, H followed us to our car to get his mail that I brought. I started telling him what I had and he kind of got testy and asked "Are you giving me a list of what's in the envelope?"..which was very odd. I said "No" and said goodbye. D12 asked what was eating Dad when I got in the car..ever perceptive she is.

Ah..found out Friday, the divorce may be final by June 7. Just in time for H's 46th birthday. D12 asked me if I knew when we'd be divorced and when I told her she said "Dad will probably spend his birthday in a bar drinking..he drinks alot now".

I told her I'm planning to have a big party for my 45th birthday(in July)-lots of friends and a good time for all! She thought that sounded cool.

Now...just watching the closing ceremonies of the Olympics and getting ready for another very busy week!

[kjensen]

So stuff has been happening. Yesterday H emailed me a long email at work about understanding each other, how he feels shut off from the kids..they are angry at him because he was the one who left b/c I wouldn't...He is comfortable with his lot in life...

I responded that I was sorry he felt that way..I felt he walked away from his family as I never stop him from contacting/seeing the kids..I encourage them to share their feelings with him and if they don't it has nothing to do with me. They are angry at both of us, not just him...

Wasn't super validating, but lots of "I feel" statements..his email showed me his perception of everything is still very skewed and he's made no effort to see my point of view...

Last night D14 and I were in a car accident(other driver at fault)-car very damaged, no people damage except maybe D14's back-posible muscle strain?-she sees a doctor this afternoon. So I called D12 to let her know what happened and she called H who picked her up and came to the accident scene.

H was very supportive and caring..offered to lend me his car, drive me around..whatever I needed today. H drove D14 to school this morning. He kept saying that he cares about us and will always be there for us. In a conversation this morning he said he never walked away from our family that he tells the kids every day that he loves them, he can drive them here or there.. This I know to be incorrect as I can see there are days on end with no contact from him to the kids.

So his words are very positive right now, buthis actions in the past haven't matched. Last night and today his actions were more 'normal' and matched what he was saying..

Just don't feel he's anywhere close to being whole/normal. His vision of the world is very self-centered most of the time. If he really wanted to spend time with the girls these last several months, he would have. Its easy for me to start doubting myself when his worldview is so very diferent from my perception.

[Cyrena]

I'm sorry to hear about the accident--I hope your D's back isn't seriously strained. What a blessing that it wasn't worse!

The MLCer really is the centre of his own universe, and even though he may sound reasonable at the moment, don't let that make you start doubting yourself. His head will start spinning around again, his actions won't match his words, and you'll still be the sane constant in your girls' lives.

[kjensen]

D14 does just have muscle strain-xrays were OK, thank goodness!

Been going over some conversations I've had with H in my head...just to have perspective.

He says his mind is all over the place, he can't concentrate or keep things organized very well(this is the total opposite of tha man I know him to be). That's why he's taking this meditation class-to focus on the here and now, I guess.

Anyone else find their spouse 'scatterbrained' during the MLC? Wondering if its part of his depression, or just stress.

H emailed me today to confirm picking up D12 from a class tomorrow and thanked me for sending him a gift on farmville(FB)!
I thought it was pretty odd/funny. I send all my farming neighbors gifts when I actually get on and "play"..just seemed weird. Like an excuse to email.

[Cyrena]

Here's a quotation from "Seratonin, From Bliss to Despair," about depression:

"An automobile can be one, two or three quarts low in oil. Using the automobile as an example, imagine that brain Serotonin can have similar stages, being low (one quart low), moderately low (two quarts low), and severely low (three quarts low). The less Serotonin available in the brain, the more severe our depression and related symptoms.

When Serotonin is low, we experience problems with concentration and attention. We become scatterbrained and poorly organized. Routine responsibilities now seem overwhelming. It takes longer to do things because of poor planning. We lose our car keys and put odd things in the refrigerator. We call people and forget why we called or go to the grocery and forget what we needed. We tell people the same thing two or three times."

So, yes, expect that scatterbrained-ness to last as long as he's depressed. At the same time, however, my H used to complain that his brain was racing and he couldn't stop all the negative thoughts. I suppose it's because they're so preoccupied with their misery that depressed people become so scatterbrained about the rest of their lives.

So, though he says he's "comfortable with his life," it's not really true, it's just that depressed people have shut down so much that they can't really feel what actual happiness is like, any more.

I'm glad your D is fine! Look after your girls and yourself.

[Grace_O]

K,

Sorry about the accident. I hope your D only has a strain (that's bad enough).

Talking with them about parenting is tough. I wrote a letter to my H recently that dealt with that. It seemed to go over pretty well. Of course it took me a couple of weeks of working on it so that it had the tone I wanted.

Even though you know your d's are angry at both of you, he sees what he sees. I hope he is having those tough conversations with your D's.

HUGS

[kjensen]

Thanks ladies!

H does have racing (negative) thoughts and that is why he is taking this meditation class, that has weekly homework and reading..not sure what that is all about, but if it helps him, I'm all for it. I think he isn't going to therapy anymore, but thats just a guess since he hasn't turned any receipts in to me to get reimbursed from our medical flex plan.

I'm pretty sure H is NOT having any difficult conversations with the girls. He acts as thought things are fine between them, and when their anger is very obvious, he gets mad in response.

I've come to terms with the fact that this marriage is over.
I'm trying to figure out which direction my life is headed, what I want to do, how will I afford to do what is needed or wanted by me and the girls..those kinds of questions..

I'm trying to get organized myself, mentally for the hard stuff ahead..mediation. Planning to take a weekly class based on the book "Rebuilding" that starts in a few weeks.

The commute really sticks in my craw so to speak, as someone almost hit me again this morning, this time on the way to work. I don't think I have a big bullseye painted on the cars!