I am really sorry you've had to suffer through this twice; but everything happens for a reason, something I have always believed. I will not give any unsolicited advice to you; you know what you need to do, and I don't doubt you're doing that. I hope everything will finish out all right this last time. FWIW, I sent up a prayer for you and your husband.
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When people first come to this place, they have this overwhelming need to try to save their M and they cannot see beyond that. They look for people who have come through MLC with an intact M and they look for all of the answers from them. Like they have the “secret” answer.
You know, as well as I know, NO ONE has a "secret" answer nor does it have a "quick" solution. I didn't have a "magic pill" then, and I don't have one now. As you also, know, coming through intact in MLC regardless if the marriage does or not, depends upon many different things..the most important being free will/choice on the part of the LBS and the MLC'er..but I think that burden rests MOSTLY on the MLC'er if the LBS has decided to wait this out.
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The truth is, they were lucky. They learned and taught many of us others and their sitches turned around and others didn’t.
IMHO, this is how I see it: first of all, they developed an open mind, and in that process began the search for answers, second, getting what they had to do, and when they were ready, began to learn and put what they learned into action, and third, taught others what they learned as their situations began to turn around into one ending or another.
Some marriages come though, and some don't; but NO ONE fails. This is NOT a test where you score based on what you do. It is one of the biggest trials of your life; and however the outcome may come; you do NOT fail; you do the best you can with what knowledge you have and can attain, along with the understanding that comes at different phases of this.
I do NOT and will NOT ever see someone whose marriage ended in a divorce as a failure; there is NO such thing as a failure. The only time someone continues to fail is when they wallow in their misery and stay there; never coming forward, nor learning, nor healing. Understanding comes at different times for each person; and because someone doesn't get it right off the bat doesn't mean they won't or they're hopeless. I've worked with many who took quite a bit of time to "get it" and some never have, even yet. But that STILL doesn't mean they won't.
This journey is an INDIVIDUAL one, not a group one; nor is it one that you take WITH your spouse, but separate.
There are MANY truths that have to be faced while taking this journey to find yourself.
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One thing I have been very concerned with lately, especially since you returned to the board, answering things very differently from the way you used to answer them....
Curious question here: Did you really expect me to remain the same person I used to be? I HAVE changed a great deal, and have seen that more clearly since I returned to the board for this period of time. I'm sorry if I have disappointed you. I don't know who's more surprised, me or you. I'm being honest, not sarcastic, in case my statements are taken that way. I seriously would NOT hurt anyone for anything; and that is not my intention now.
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So telling them that their love for their S will end, which you have done, really bothered me. Yes that may be how it was explained to you and that may have been necessary for your journey and your understanding but I worry about the message it sends to others...
I never saw it as "sending a message" I thought I was sharing of myself and what I've learned. I also realize I never have to share anything of myself, if I don't choose to; yet, when I do that, I open myself up to all kinds of things. I don't take anything personally; though, I haven't for a number of years.
I actually did post something to this effect when I was here before, about one of the possible endings of the MLC/Divorce; LBS very possibly moving to a point where they do NOT love the MLC'er anymore, though they will always have feelings for them; and I remember getting flamed for it...as it didn't represent "hope" as anyone saw it.
But, as I knew then and know now, one of the MANY aspects of the LBS journey is facing ALL possiblities, even if they do NOT happen. That is REALITY, not something I made up.
Also, we have to face the fact that we will change as a result of all this. And FEELINGS may change, and that is OK if they do. People feel guilt, mostly, because they think they are NOT supposed to change what they feel..but that's NOT true. They suffer "self condemnation", until they realize that going through these feelings is very NORMAL. They must be worked though, and come to terms with during the journey, but no one needs to be condemned for them; and I would be the last one to do that.
I know it to be true, regarding myself, as I WAS THERE at one point in time, experienced a few things I didn't like at all, had to face reality, no holds barred, concerning things about me, my life AND yes, my marriage. A mirror was thrown up in self-reflection; only then was I able to pin point MY problems and fix them. I reached the realization during this journey of mine that I would be fine REGARDLESS of whether my marriage made it or not. Other people CAN reach this realization, as well. Others have reached this; I wasn't alone in that.
Marriages end within MLC, some are rebuilt, some end; new beginnings are created; and with them, new feelings regarding ourselves and the LBS will gain a sense of "starting over", regardless of what happens. In a sense, the LBS comes to an Acceptance of sorts; not much different than the MLC'er does.
The marriage AND life as you saw it ended the day you discovered the MLC'er went into the tunnel. And it's an opportunity(if you will come to see it that way) to discover what YOU want out of your life.
Those things aren't seen until later on, as the journey is taken, many things are seen/discovered about yourself, and your life.
I, too, have talked to many divorced people over time; and it was a mixed bag of differing opinions/endings/new beginnings, no one right and no one wrong. Each one of these people were very successful people; and I wouldn't say otherwise.
IMHO, it is best to be prepared for ALL things, not just SOME things. The more knowledge you gain, the better off you are, as knowledge is power. Power, to make decisions that would work best for YOU as individual.
As this is an individual path, so are the decisions made as an individual, and at an individual level.
No one needs to try and "fit" their situation into mine or anyone else's; each outcome is very different as the individuals within each marriage is different.
It has been said again and again and again, that what works for one does NOT work for another.
As each individual is different, each journey is different We may get help from each other, but we cannot walk this FOR each other.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
