But Allen, I thought we are supposed to validate their feelings (without agreeing to divorce) which is a 180 from arguing with them?????
Last edited by newmama; 03/01/1002:30 AM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Validate specifics yes, but not give them hand grenades no...
saying something like "I should be putting more time into our relationship and not focussing so much on my school" or some such because THAT will show them you are CHANGING a bit and give them some HOPE
But just saying open ended things like "we need to move forward" is going to be interpreted as "We should file for divorce, I am in full agreement"
Validate feelings in such a way as to offer HOPE and to show CHANGE for the BETTER
But no, don't say ANYTHING that can be misinterpreted to your DETRIMENT... And waywars LOVE to MISINTERPRET, so you need to keep things
Simple Concrete Hopeful
Always keep these three things in mind.
"I do NOT want a divorce - I love our family" is good "It's time to move forward" is BAD
The problem is, if you say anything open ended, they will read that as "File for Divorce Please"... they WANT you to say it... so you only have to HALF say it for them to ACT on it...
Even mb28 taking her ring off was pretty much telling him to file for D...
Waywards feel miserable and just want that to END.. they don't CARE if they will regret the WAY it ends in the long term... they are ONLY interested in how THEY FEEL right NOW...
If you give them a gun, they WILL pull the trigger...
So don't even give them a bullet... don't even give them a SPOON or they will shove it down their throat...
I was thinking mb28. If your H books another appointment and does NOT file for D on Monday ( I suspect he won't ) then when he is THERE... THANK him solemnly for going to his IC session and quietly slip your ring on...
Don't SAY anything, keep it subtle.
I remember you said you had taken it off... thanking him for the IC VERY calmly and silently slipping on your ring would be a good moment that they might notice.
Don't get into a convo aftewards, if he says anything...
Just tell him its time for him to go home, you don't want to fight.
I don't know the answer to that, and for whatever it is worth, I did a BIG education campaign the first few months. It took him from his belief that we were over, to him being confused b/c he loved us both. and here we are, in limbo. He read "NJF", after the affair, why we love, numerous articles and videos.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Education campaigns CAN have SOME impact if you have an open minded spouse... but many are very much set in the romanticized view of infidelity and they will never get out of that
I'm not sure if he'll watch it or not, he might. But I thought I should send it to his email and let him decide. However, if you don't think I should I won't.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
