flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[flowmom]

GAL/180 of the day:
drinking beer and watching Canada get the gold in hockey with my BIL, my kids, and my neighbours on the big screen in the common room (I never watch sports ). very exciting!

[flowmom]

My guy is definitely confused within himself. Yesterday he was posting on FB a picture of a canoe trip that he took right before we started our R. Today he was posting on his FB page looking for a freediving coach because he thought that freediving would help him with other sports. As my sister said: "this guy is not ready to be 40".

[flowmom]

Got some very interesting intel from my neighbour who is a very close friend and knows our family well. Last Thursday I got H to drop our kids off at childcare, which happens to be at my friends house in our complex. H and my friend had a brief conversation that covered a lot of ground (she's not the childcare provider).

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Highlights:

H has noticed that I'm being very nice and civil, etc. But H said "let's say that I put my profile up on lavalife [online dating], what would her reaction be...I suspect she wouldn't be sweet and nice".

H sort of asked himself aloud if I was faking the changes so that he would come back. But then he speculated that things would be back to the same old same old (implying it was a trick/manipulation on my part). Friend said that this separation has been a wakeup call for me, and that I'm taking responsibility for my past choices and dealing with my part of our problems in IC. She said that I want my family back, and that I'm doing the best that I can in a tough situation.

A huge issue that H brought up was that I had disappointed his expectations of me in terms of earning an income and dealing with our debt problems. This seemed to be a central trust issue and betrayal that he was fixated on. He referred to promises that I had made in the past in this area and reneged on [I'm not totally clear what this refers to].

H asked my friend if he was damaging the kids. She said "of course you are". She said that she noticed the negative changes in my children. She also explained how growing up with divorced parents affected her.

Friend had to remind H that I am in an information vacuum and have no idea about his intentions or plans. She got the impression that he was somehow forgetting this. She encouraged him to initiate communication with me so that I have a clearer idea of what is going on with him. She said that if I don't have information from him, I will have no choice but to make assumptions and fill in the blanks.

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First. I am so grateful to my friend. I think she handled this really well and communicated some very important points to H. She had to think on her feet.

Second. The fact that he opened up to her is very interesting. He should assume that any conversation would be reported to me. Although she is very loyal to me, she also cares a lot about him. Either he is desperate to communicate with a warm, caring person (and she is exceptional in that way) and let more slip than he planned, or it was a form of indirect communication to me (I suspect the former).

Third. I don't know how to interpret this conversation. It's possible that he was just trying to convince my friend that even though I am changing, he still has a legitimate reason to to leave me and stay away (basically defensive). A more optimistic possibility is that I have successfully introduced a tiny element of doubt in him..."maybe she can change"?

Fourth: conspicuously absent was any mention if his role in our marriage downfall, or his responsibility is dealing with his issues.

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Thoughts?

[flowmom]

After another convo with my friend I'm wondering if he is just trying to figure out if I'll become a b*tch when he divorces me.

She is recommending brief, honest, sincere communication with him on my part.

[flowmom]

I'm thinking that he's afraid to move forward with D because he doesn't want to deal with me punishing him for it (which he expects based on his coworkers' experiences). That's why he hasn't been moving things forward.

[flowmom]

This is what I want to say to H tonight:

Things got bad in our marriage and I don't want to go back to that. I have regrets. I know that you don't want to be married to me right now. I love you. I'm just doing the best that I can.

[Cadet]

OK now you said it here. Just don't say it to him.

[flowmom]

For some reason, my resolve is crumbling. I am tired of holding in my feelings! I'm an honest, forthcoming person. My friend thinks that my love for H is not coming through in my actions...

[Cadet]

What is your H love language? What is yours?

[newmama]

Flowmom, that friend is a keeper!! And she said such good things!
DO NOT BRING UP R TALK...here's what I think: he is surprised by how you are acting and it doesn't compute with his idea of who you are, KWIM?

he is skeptical of your changes like he said, but I think also intrigued. It sounds like he wants to see if you are being civil just to try to get him back, or will you stay civil even if he is dating, meaning are you playing a game or is your nice behavior permanent...is it for real? And what else could be causing you to be so patient and kind?? Why is Flowmom handling this so well?