its been a while. been talking on the phone with one of you... hope you are doing ok today man.
ok so the last couple of weeks the rollercoaster goes up and down. spent two weekends up at W-Town. Had a couple of dust ups... lots of tension and we agreed for now I can't stay there-- slept at a friends.
I did a real no-no and read her journal. Told her. This actually in some ways I think has helped us move forward. I read not all of it but enough to know that as far back as 10 years ago she was feeling bad, feeling my withdrawl, my abandonment... don't know how she put up with all that for 10 years. So now I understand her pain better, her wounds better, where she is coming from. She actually has said this too-- that in some ways it has helped us. obviously from a building trust standpoint not so much-- but we really have been conversing better than we ever had this week..(see below)
Monday she talked to her therapist and felt that we needed to be "separated". I told her I had felt that way for 7 months... she had been in denial, I guess about that... now she accepts that.
I've been understanding, calm, and supportive of her this week. she has commented that for the first time she is starting to believe me... believe my words. She says that she wants nothing more than to believe me. She says she wants us to be a success story. She just feels that for now, for us to heal, when I move up there, I need to live somewhere else. I agree. The house is small, it is her sanctuary, and I need to respect that.
Wednesday was wierd. she had a lot of anxiety, was crying...then she said, "do you think we could just pack it up and move somewhere together new...and start again." of course I said yes... then she said she really wanted that... then of course the next day not so much. but we still have been talking about it.
our conversations have been normal, nice... she told me she loved me last night. we talked again today a few times. she went and looked at a house for me. talked about how the lease could go to august, how it wasn't forever...
so the "baby steps" part of me feels like this is all really nice stuff. the negative part of me thinks this is just her keeping me where she wants me... but it really seems like something is different. It is tough to move ahead a little when the hope starts coming in.
but I have been dbing a bit. went out with some folks twice this week, been scrubbing cases to get ready to do the type of work I'm going to do up there... trying to keep busy during the day.
I'm going to drive up and meet her halfway to take the boys for the weekend. Probably going to drive to raleigh to go to a museum or something fun tomorrow-- if anyone knows that area let me know if you know of some fun things to do with 6 year old boys.
So any thoughts about where things are? I do think there are some good things happening...
I think you are doing really well and at times seem to grasp this empathic understanding which will serve you well.
I think reading her journal was an incredibly STUPID thing to do. No matter the outcome. Coming across the WRONG thing in there and all this good would have crumbled like a house build of dust.
DO NOT DO IT AGAIN. That is for you and your vulnerable and fragile state of mind. You got away with it once. Lucky.
The empathy for your wife will serve you well.
Stay this guy, this guy who hopes and understands, not the crazy over the top all or nothing guy, be consistent.
Be consistent.
Good job.
Let me address one worry in your head.
Quote:
the negative part of me thinks this is just her keeping me where she wants me...
Is your wife EVIL? Is she a willful coniving bithc? Does she hate you?
Answer yes to any of those and yes she is doing that to you on purpose. AND you should dump her ass at the nearest church for an exorcism.
Bet you answered no, though. So stop being pitiful.
: )
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I think reading her journal was an incredibly STUPID thing to do. No matter the outcome. Coming across the WRONG thing in there and all this good would have crumbled like a house build of dust.
couldn't agree more. This is very uncharacteristic for me... but I was really losing it there... really bad decision. do not get me wrong. I regret it. but I do not regret being able to see her pain for 10 years... helps me a lot to know what I'm up against.
and thank you for the rest of your support Jack.
Lots of really positive contact and talks with W today... I've got the boys now w me. we just skyped... interesting because usually its her w the boys and me sitting there alone.
my boys are great. one of them loves cats and the minute he got to my place got a piece of paper and made a cat mask.. its actually really good! I never did anything like that. so cool.
hey how was the cabin on the cliff? or are you still there?
good to hear from you again my friend.
and thanks for the small 2x4 about being pitiful. keep it coming. I need that.
So had the boys for the weekend which was wonderful. I love those guys so much. So hard to see them go. Back to solo man for the next week.
So the W woke up this morning "feeling terrible". She drove down (4 hrs)to get the boys. says that since I was so nice, calm and understanding last week it only made her more upset because it just reminded her of what she always wanted.
Feels she really needs to get her life on track and stop trying to "feel" something for me again. admits to much anger and resentment. says she does not want a divorce at all... just wants the next month to "pull the bootstraps up" and get her legs under her... get a job, get her life in order.
I will be moving there in a month and a half. not moving in with her. she does not want that. so need to find a place. she wants to help me do that... says that perhaps when I get there and we can get into a groove of co-parenting and me being there that perhaps that will give her a chance to heal and feel differently.
we spent a nice couple of hours on the couch. she said she liked the way I looked and what I was wearing-- that I looked "cute".
when leaving she asked for a hug. we had a long hug...
this is hard, because in some ways she makes it hard to detatch... but in some ways I feel there are some good things happening, that she is admitting her anger. that she says she doesn't want a divorce... that she wants to believe I can be different... but right now she says that she doesn't believe I can be different-- that the pain is still too much from the past.
so I am going to try and keep doing the work I am doing. admittedly I have still been in the same rut. I'm going to see if I can get into some pickup basketball.. pickup soccer.. there is also a roller hockey rink in town-- I might try and get some gear and do that. it looks fun. I'm going to try and go out a bit this week and not sit at home and stare at the walls. I'm going to try and clean my house. Study a bit. Do some operations. I'm going to try and plan the days and fill them with activities that will keep me busy.
so that is the current status. I feel like if I can be patient, listen to her, not freak out or be too bummed out when I talk to her... perhaps we can get ourselves on some sort of a road.
So that's the update from here.
Hope all of you had a good weekend and are healing, GALing.. finding ways to enjoy your lives.
I feel like if I can be patient, listen to her, not freak out or be too bummed out when I talk to her... perhaps we can get ourselves on some sort of a road.
So you've heard some encouraging things from your wife. It's always nice to get some positive feedback for a change.
Dangerous too though...
Yeah, patience is important.
And you can't allow expectations to creep in.
Keeping the focus on yourself and the things YOU need to do, while at the same time taking advantage of opportunities to SHOW who you are becoming...all good.
You're carrying the marital weight for two. That's just how it needs to be for now. This is where you are living up to the "for worse", "for poorer", and "in sickness" parts. It's hard, you get frustrated, and it's a challenge to not get angry. These are things to watch out for, because having them pop up in interactions with you wife can cause real setbacks.
Steady...
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Sounds like you're getting that hang of DBing with a MLCer..It is tricky with lots of potholes to be sure.
Quote:
it is tough to carry the weight when I feel sometimes like I'm kindof broken and hurting myself. (I hear jack saying "man up!"...ok Jack manning up)
It is hard. There will be times of resentment. Times of "why do I put up with this?"...thats when you keep your eye on the 'prize' so-to-speak and remember the vow you took when you married your wife...this may be "the worse", but there can be "better". The end-goal may be all the sweeter for the pain it takes to get there.
And is not just "man up"! We women go through it too!
Glad you had a good weekend with the boys!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
it is tough to carry the weight when I feel sometimes like I'm kindof broken and hurting myself. (I hear jack saying "man up!"...ok Jack manning up)
Bradley,
It sounds like...
You have actually taken that first step...and maybe a second...
How you feel, it very normal. But you are finding the strength within, to carry the both of you through this period in time. Strength that your W had and used for the years that you were in school...
Quote:
she has given me a bit of a game plan. we are both trying to stand on our own two feet this week-- I will support her however I can.
One word of caution, please be careful to still make sure that what you are doing is for you and not just her...
Keep stepping...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
And is not just "