flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[flowmom]

Got some very interesting intel from my neighbour who is a very close friend and knows our family well. Last Thursday I got H to drop our kids off at childcare, which happens to be at my friends house in our complex. H and my friend had a brief conversation that covered a lot of ground (she's not the childcare provider).

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Highlights:

H has noticed that I'm being very nice and civil, etc. But H said "let's say that I put my profile up on lavalife [online dating], what would her reaction be...I suspect she wouldn't be sweet and nice".

H sort of asked himself aloud if I was faking the changes so that he would come back. But then he speculated that things would be back to the same old same old (implying it was a trick/manipulation on my part). Friend said that this separation has been a wakeup call for me, and that I'm taking responsibility for my past choices and dealing with my part of our problems in IC. She said that I want my family back, and that I'm doing the best that I can in a tough situation.

A huge issue that H brought up was that I had disappointed his expectations of me in terms of earning an income and dealing with our debt problems. This seemed to be a central trust issue and betrayal that he was fixated on. He referred to promises that I had made in the past in this area and reneged on [I'm not totally clear what this refers to].

H asked my friend if he was damaging the kids. She said "of course you are". She said that she noticed the negative changes in my children. She also explained how growing up with divorced parents affected her.

Friend had to remind H that I am in an information vacuum and have no idea about his intentions or plans. She got the impression that he was somehow forgetting this. She encouraged him to initiate communication with me so that I have a clearer idea of what is going on with him. She said that if I don't have information from him, I will have no choice but to make assumptions and fill in the blanks.

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First. I am so grateful to my friend. I think she handled this really well and communicated some very important points to H. She had to think on her feet.

Second. The fact that he opened up to her is very interesting. He should assume that any conversation would be reported to me. Although she is very loyal to me, she also cares a lot about him. Either he is desperate to communicate with a warm, caring person (and she is exceptional in that way) and let more slip than he planned, or it was a form of indirect communication to me (I suspect the former).

Third. I don't know how to interpret this conversation. It's possible that he was just trying to convince my friend that even though I am changing, he still has a legitimate reason to to leave me and stay away (basically defensive). A more optimistic possibility is that I have successfully introduced a tiny element of doubt in him..."maybe she can change"?

Fourth: conspicuously absent was any mention if his role in our marriage downfall, or his responsibility is dealing with his issues.

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Thoughts?