Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

Thanks Sandi. I can't help but wonder what, if amything, today meant. Was it my W showing early signs of softening or was she just being nice?

I spoke to my neighbor again today who spoke with my W last week. W sat down with neighbor to talk. Neighbor said my W commented that she was moving in a different direction. neighbor reiterated that wife only said good things about me, didn't want to hurt me. W then teared up when talking about me. At times I think my W is more comfortable talking with people other than her family ask she never got much support in her life from her family. Her family is not the loving type. I know my W has struggled with this her entire life. Anyway, neighbor said my W seemed very sad.

Do the tears mean she still has love for me? Do wives that leave shed tears for their LBH because of love still in their hearts or for some other reason...pity, guilt, etc.?

At this point I am very confident that their in no OM in this sitch. Again, I truly believe my W had gotten to a point she just couldn't deal with the financial stress anymore. Our family and friends familiar with our story all believe that time will heal our M. I wouldn't necessarily say that my W had a MLC but given the circumstances I do believe she is/has experienced some sort of crisis.

Sandi, I posted a question earlier today in Coach's "Boundaries" thread. Puppy gave some great advice to someone about talking to his W. Here is what he said...

"Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Originally Posted By: godhelpme
I have a question regarding the OM. Should I be setting a boundary given the following:

- W has already moved out.
- W has taken all of her items.
- No Contact is currently in effect.
- She is pushing for formalized separation agreement.



GHM,

Very good question. This is very difficult to do when they are in full walkaway mode. If it were me, I would still attempt to, however, with something like the following:

"Wife, you say you want space, and a formal separation agreement. And I know you have some legitimate complaints about my role in the dysfunction in our marriage. I acknowledge that, and as you know i am working on my issues, and I hope that in time you will learn to trust that my changes are for real.

"I am willing to go to marriage counseling with you to try to save our marriage. I think we may both regret it someday if we don't do everything we can to try. But I'm not a fool, and I need to be clear with you. I cannot respect your decision to cut-and-run like this, and I damned sure can't respect your decision to involve a 3rd person in our marriage. (at this point she will try to stop you, and lie to you). Put your hand up in the "stop" position, and say "Please stop --we both know you're lying to me right now, so let me finish.

"You need to know that I will not share you with another man, and I will not be your friend if you choose to end our marriage this way. Whatever is going on with this guy, it needs to stop, but I realize that I cannot control you and I have no desire to. Just know that I will not be agreeable to a separation until such time that you've REALLY worked on our marriage with me, without the involvement of a third person. If you refuse to end that, then I will have no choice but to protect myself as much as I possibly can. I do love you, but I won't be made a fool."

And then I'd walk away.

If she tries to deny OM, say "Please stop lying to me. It's incredibly disrespectful to me and to our marriage. When you're ready to speak to me honestly, we can continue the conversation. As for the legal stuff, I think that would be best if we left that to our attorneys."

That's what I would do. And then I would spend the next two weeks finding out everything I could about OM. Who he is, what he does, is he married, what it is he does that attracted my wife.

I would combine a hard legal stance and hardline confrontation/exposure, with loving detachment, GAL, 180s and working on my own issues.

Puppy"

Sandi, my question is if you think it's appropriate to say this to my W now or wait a while first, especially since right now we are in the stressful process of discussing financial issues. So I don't know if it might be better say this to W now or wait until after my W and I finish discussing our financial issues?

I feel like I'm doing the right things in my own life now...for me. I also feel like I'm getting in a much more comfortable place now to be able to continue to take care of myself and also try to make strides to reach out to my W to save our M. I don't want to push though. When do you know the time is right to reach out to W?