Lucky, I read most of you posts here and feel like we have a situation very much in common. I too am beyond frustrated. Where do I begin?
My husband and I have been married 7 years. In mid September 09 my husband told me he hasn't been happy for two years...I know this is true & have noticed him being unhappy...He sort of put an emotion wall up and wouldn't really tell me how he was feeling or thinking. I truly think he is depressed. How could he not be unhappy, his father (He had a very strong connection/relationship with him) passed away 2.5 years ago & he has become increasingly frustrated with feeling like he hasn't accomplished a career and is a failure in general. Totally signs of depression and I think he has been fighting back the feelings for awhile now.
So September 09 rolls around & he tells me he is unhappy & we have "nothing in common" and we should maybe be divorced. Ouch. He left & ended up staying with a friend. He was gone about two & half weeks & we were in contact during that time but I did all of the usual wrong things, begged, pleaded, etc. I asked if there was someone else & he said "no". When I did see him he was just uncomfortable & agitated most of the time & it was for just short periods. He did come home after the initial two weeks & he confessed that he did love me & he was wrong & home for good.
Great! Well, less that two weeks later he was in and out of the house at weird times and staying out late. I really sensed he was seeing someone...he denied it. He did eventually go stay at his Mom's house. We were in contact but he always seemed irritated w/me and I still suspected he was talking to another woman. He admitted talking to another woman but that she was a friend and she knows he is married. I talked with his Mom around this time & she brought up that she thinks he might be depressed (she is a nurse after all & it runs in her family) Pretty good Mom advice I thought.
In the beginning of November he asks me to come over to his Mom's because he is "having a hard day". I arrived & he was overly emotional and sobbing. He was upset at himself for acting the way he was and wasn't sure why he was trying to ruin our marriage. He came back to our house & was "depressed" for the next week or so. Very unmotivated and basically just had a "blank" look in his eyes. He did tell me that the OW I suspected was correct & that he wasn't sure how he let her weasle her way into his life. He said that it wasn't a physical relationship. He did ask me to block her number on his cell phone. A week later he unblocked it and was calling her again. He began staying at his Mom's & talking/texting w/her continually through early December. Until again he breaks down sobbing & is all emotional & isn't sure what is happening, he thinks maybe he is depressed but he isn't sure again why he is acting or doing what he is doing or what he is feeling.
He stays home again for a few days & then he is back at his Mom's, calling/texting and seeing the OW. He did come home a few days before Christmas and stayed until Christmas Day night, he left again after texting with the OW....he then stays at his mom's house again until early January. He comes home in early January and asks if I can ever forgive him and that he is upset at himself for ruining my Christmas, New Years and Christmas break. But... you guessed it. Three days later he left again and stayed at his Mom's until the end of January.
In the middle of January I found Michelle's Dbing website and I set up a session with a coach and was very motiviated after my session. I read most of Divorce Remedy and I feel like my husband is going through some depression or maybe even an early MLC. I am by far not perfect, but I think this is mostly about him and not me. He has told me that it isn't me, it is him. He has told me that I am perfect and that he married "up" and he is holding me back becasue he is a looser.
He did tell me on Jan 19th (Tuesday) that he thought he should file for divorce. I told him that I thought if he needed to he should. I couldn't stop or tell him what to do. I told him my life would be great with or without him, hopefully with him though. I think that got him thinking... I didn't communicate with him for the next four days and only responded if he initiated a text message. He was in contact all of those days..and he asked how I was doing and I told him I was "fine" and I think he was confused by my response. We spent time together on Sunday. He seemed very different almost as if he was out of his depression cloud partially.
Two days later I was at a movie and he stopped by the house (he texted wanting to know where I was)...again different behavior from him. Two days later again he comes by after work unannounced. He fell asleep on the couch and came to our bed at 2 in the morning and cuddled with me instead of sleeping on the edge of his side. He has been at home now almost for a whole month. Just this Friday though, he sent me a text and said he was staying at his Mom's and he needs to do some "thinking". WTF.
The whole relationship with the OW seems pretty high school plus the OW is 10 years younger and is leaving for school on the opposite side of the country in 3 months. I'm pretty sure she doesn't want a long distance relationship with a divorcee who is 10 years older. I think when he spends time with her it helps him to cope with his depression or it is a vacation from the reality of the world, our marriage and his depression.
Things changed for the whole month he was at home. He seemed to be really trying to control his actions and the frustration, anger and iritability he normally would have shown. He broke down a few times and told me again he wasn't sure why he felt the way he did and that he feels so unmotivated, confused and lost. He complains about aches and has been having some digestive issues lately which are symptoms of depression.
I would love words of advice if you have any but mostly I am just venting as I have been on this roller coaster for five months. The saying "two steps forward one step back" really applys to my life.
M 33 H 33 Together 13 years Married 7 years No kids 1 dog
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
