Going All In

[Allen A]

Wow...I just realized that this may be a way to just placate her need to be controlling anyhow. Which she is. I really had to rethink a lot of this stuff over the past few weeks since I wrote the posting here. I have come to several conclusions:

Wow I don't know how to handle this one.

I am going to put a diffrent spin on this B-man.

1) She has severe trust issues that she needs to work on, and that has been an underlying current in our relationship since the beginning.

What are YOU doing to promote distrust out of her? TRUST and DISTRUST is generated mutually... what are you doing that would make her not trust you?

I will be honest, I don't see an "I love my wife" in here anywhere.. that makes ME distrust you.

If you interact with her as a police negotiation like above you are going to generate distrust

What could YOU do MORE that would make her trust YOU more... I am NOT asking what you DO NOW, I am asking what you could do MORE... have you shown her your thread here or is this being kept a secret?

2) She is controlling. Our marriage has also been a power struggle from the beginning and I have often conceded "defeat" to keep the peace and to "keep her happy."

OK, I have said this before, but I will say it again.

Control is NOT a bad thing... so you need to STOP accusing your spouse of being "controlling"... the opposite of control is OUT of control, which IS a bad thing.

When YOU say SHE is controlling, what I read is "I don't like making a commitment"

I almost ALWAYS side with the "controlling" person... I usually find someone who is evasive, defensive, and who has a HUGE problem making a commitment when I hear "my wife/husband is too controlling"

People who don't like being controlled are people who don't like BEING part of a TEAM.

THAT OR they don't TRUST the TEAM.

So, which is it, are you commitment phobic or do you have severe trust issues with her?

Either way, this is something YOU need to change in yourself.

3) She is vengeful and vindictive and has problems forgiving. She has told me that she would never forgive me for something I did years ago. This has been a knife in my heart for about a year now and I was hoping that by going to counseling together we could somehow work all of this out. But, that never had a chance, and that was her decision because she is afraid to take a good, hard look at herself.

Wow, if YOU did somethign to HER, that's trust that YOU need to EARN back... you can't DEMAND forgiveness from someone...

and if THEY don't WANT to forgive you, that is NOT THEIR problem.. its YOURS for hurting them...

I am sorry Betterman, but if the best you can come up with is to criticize your wife, you aren't giong to inspire trust in her... what are YOU giong to change? What issues do YOU need to work on YORUSELF? What did YOU bring into the marriage to contaminate it?

4) By writing a contract, I enable all of the above and we start right back where we were when things were crappy. How is this helpful? It is not.

Contracts promote distrust, not trust. A marriage is a covenant, not a contract... you indignify your marriage when you make a contract out of it.

So scrap this idea. I'm looking like crazy for my DB book and cannot find it. It's making me nuts! I'm going to read thru it again and hopefully it'll give me ome insight as to what the heck to do now.

If you think one book is going to help you, then you need to hit the library... there are a million good ideas out there, no one book will have all your solutions.

What to do? Work on YOURSELF...

What do YOU need to do differently, do better so that SHE will love YOU more?

The agenda is NOT to get her to TRUST you, not to get her to STOP controlling you, the agenda is to give her a good reason to love you.

What are YOU going to change to promote that?

And no flowers and chocolates doens't promote love, it promotes ROMANCE... not the same thing.

I find this thread quite intersting... I just am struggling to find the right way to address it... bear with me.. I will likely add more...