Lopsided: Forgiving and not being forgiven

[Betterman]

My W believes that I had an A. I did not. She read things into communications which I had with a co-worker that simply were not there and were not true.

I am to blame for this (realizing of course that it's only partially my fault...it is a relationship after all) because in the past I have not been honest with her about several things. Unfortunately, this has lead to her not trusting me in the worst way which makes the problems far worse to overcome. I have attempted in the past 2 years that we have been "reconciled" to be a better person for myself, showing her that she can begin to trust me, but then she looks for sh1t (yes actually searches for it) and finds something and fills in all the blanks with negatives.

Also, in the past two years, I have found out that she has not been honest with me either. Several times over, as a matter of fact. And each time I decided to look at the larger picture and just try to move forward, hoping that things would get better. I forgave and forgot so much I can't even remember HOW much. And every time is was minimized and explained away by her. Over and over again.

Three times in the past 10 months now, she has been ramping up to this culmination of grand mistrust. Three times I have been accused of having affairs with three different women and none of it is true.

My W admitted to me in a blowup about a year ago that she could never forgive me for something I did that was in part why I got kicked out of the house when we were sep'd almost 5 years ago. This was a shock and made me feel very angry and resentful of her stance.

Now I am basically being subjected to the same thing. She just told me today that "If you think that I will just calm down and this will all go away, think again, assh0l3." (Thru a text message because apparently she can't bear to talk to me in person. Or she's not mature enough.) This to me is the continuance of her non-forgiveness.

I am really p1ssed about this. I have forgiven her time and again. I am pretty sure that she was stepping out on me when we first got back together from some of the correspondences I discovered shortly afterward. She certainly was not emotionally committed to me, but I figured that it was going to take some time, so I decided to ignore them and hope that it would get better. Then it just kept happening. I would find things, and sometimes I would confront her, sometimes not. I would try to choose my battles and then at times I couldn't stand to be silent and would tell her I knew.

It makes me CRAZY that she would accuse me of things that she thinks I have done when she only has part of the story, and I would refuse to confront her on certain things that I didn't have the whole story on myself, because I could have been wrong. So I decided to just let it go and move forward.

I am having a hard time dealing with this lack of forgiveness. She is really being over-the-top here. The last time this happened, I was out of the house for 2.5 years. And that was because I blew up at her for CHEATING ON ME. (Yes, I got kicked out of MY home for HER cheating on ME. Now what the hell is that all about?!?!?)

All I am trying to do is what I have been trying to do for years now. But her ego and her stubbornness is getting in the way. She feels justified and wants to punish me. I'm having a hard time with all of the anger. It's not good for my kids who already have problems (both have Autism). I just want to get past all of this and begin the healing, for better or worse for the sake of my children.

I am stuck, which seems to be the case 90% of the time with her anyhow. I am really to the point where I can't deal with this anymore. I want to think that I can wait this out and try to convince her to start the healing. But she is just crazy angry and refuses to let go.

UGH!