Holy Crap! Didn't expect THIS!

[Trixi]

That rat bstard mother f@cker is back pedaling!

OMG I am livid!

(There is a possibility that because neither of us slept very well we are not thinking clearly and are being overly emotional.)

But this morning I could feel he was pulled away; I should have know better than to want to try to talk over some stuff. I didn't want to "do" anything, per se, but kind of go thru things and make bite sized things to address later. (Because I feel extremely overwhelmed and the size and complexity of everything; I was hoping we could kind of tease out the different things; make them a little more organized; act like a TEAM.) I feel stunned and paralyzed...

Anyway, long story short, he said that (recognizing that it might be just that he's tired) he isn't sure what he wants to do. He's not sure that we'd be getting back together for "the right reasons"; last night he said he was committed to really trying and giving it a real shot with him not half in half out and then this morning he says that. Of course, even what he said last night wasn't exactly comforting because he called it "giving it one last shot". (That's NOT a real commitment in my mind, but maybe I am splitting hairs at this point.)

Last week we're "stuck with each other and he gives up- might as well figure out how to make it work" and this week it's more of the same bullsht!

I didn't handle his disclosure very well; admitted that my visceral response was "eff you, I hate you, get the eff out of my house"; but that I was tired too and not thinking rationally. Just feeling hurt and confused myself.

I guess I should have known. Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut and not freaked him out.

I asked him "If you know for sure we'd be happy, would you have a problem committing?" Him "not at all" Me "Exactly. So, given that we enjoy each other, and all the rest- about the only thing we ever disagree on is "commitment". And when we disagree on that we feel unhappy. But it seems like if we could just commit, a major cause of our unhappiness would go away." I also said (nod to Dom) that it seemed to me that he needs to get over the "grass is greener" thing and start working on his own lawn.

He really wants me to back off and not pressure him; let him decide if we really should get back together--if the reasons are good enough.
I guess there is nothing I *can* do besides that. Encouraging even talking about things made him retreat.

I am so angry right now. I feel mad at myself for bringing it up. I feel mad at myself for ever even thinking that he might be serious about not being half in and half out. And I am mad at him for reverting back to the same waffley, "I don't know; I'm so confused" BS!! Effing MAN the EFF UP, grab your balls and do the right effing thing.