The bomb came in September 2009. It was the week of our 32nd Anniversary. He had to go away on a business trip so we had no celebration planned. I received a bouquet of red roses and a card that simply said, "I love you, Happy anniversary" on the morning of his departure.
Usually he would take time to write me beautiful, meaningful cards or poetry and he would give me a gift. But I didn't think much of it since this was few days before our actual Anniversary and he would be gone on the day of. I figured we would celebrate when he comes back.
On the evening of his return I had a nice family dinner prepared and a card with a gift waiting. The gift was our original wedding bands. We didn't wear these for a long time - they didn't fit anymore. I had them sized and polished. I was so happy with my idea to do this and was looking forward to his reaction when I gave it to him.
We had dinner and he opened the card - the rings were in the card. He just looked at me strangely and didn't say much. After a long moment of quiet he just said “Thank you” - that's all. Now, that was strange - not like him at all.
Later that night my computer didn't work so I borrowed his laptop that he had with him on his business trip. I noticed a file on the desktop that said "Latin", I don't know why, but I clicked on it. It was a love poem that he wrote. The file was created on the date of our Anniversary. My first thought was that he wrote me a poem after all. But then the alarm bells went on in my head. It was not the kind of poem he usually writes me, it was to hot... passionate... lover's poem… and....he didn't give it to me... it was written on our anniversary…but not sent to me. I had to go for a walk to think about this, but I knew something was not right.
When I came back I confronted him. I said "I found this beautiful poem on your laptop that you wrote on the eve of our Anniversary is that for me?” He was quiet. Then I finally asked, "Are you having an affair? He said, "Yes, I was planning to tell you next week”.
So that’s how I found out about the OW. He admitted that it’s been going on for 6 months.
We started dating when I was 15, got married 5 years later. Our bond was strong our marriage was great – so I thought. We were great together, envy of all of our friends - single and married. We went through so much together, so much fun, and so many memories…. We lived on different continents, build few business together, we did everything together. We were always there for each other. He was my husband, my best friend and my business partner. I would trust him with my life.
As with every long-term relationship some years were more challenging then others, but we always worked through all obstacles. 20 years ago he even had an affair, but we worked through that as well. It made our marriage even stronger and I didn’t even dream that it would happen again.
Our daughter was born 16 years ago and I can honestly say that he was the best dad that I could ever wish for her. We were so happy. Our family was the most important thing for us. So what went wrong…my guess is Midlife Crises.
I guess I didn’t see the signs at the time, but they were there. Now that I look back, I can see it clearly. It slowly started when he turned 50. That’s 4 years ago. I know that in his mind he had set some goals for himself long time ago, one of them was that by the time he is 50 he would be independently wealthy and would be able to do the things that he always wanted to do, but could not.
Well he turned 50 and he was not where he wanted to be. Since then he has been expressing unhappiness with his work, with our business… especially in the last year. That he does not like what he is doing anymore, that he is sick and tired dealing with “stupid” clients…you get the picture. It got worse last year, our business was suffering because of the current economy so there were added financial pressures…that didn’t help his mental state.
In the past four years he also started obsessing about his health, his fitness, started taking all kinds of supplements, vitamins. Hair thickening products. Got very involved in running. Last year even ran ½ marathon. Lost about 25 pounds. Changed his diet and started using anti-wrinkle creams.
And another big change – his clothes. He was always the kind of a guy that said, “If it’s not comfortable, I won’t wear it”. Fashion was not his priority. I was buying all of his clothes for him for the past 30 years. Well now dressing young is very important. He shops where my daughter’s 16-year-old boyfriend shops, wears tight jeans and printed T’s. Went from boxers to briefs and the list goes on.
I know aging is a big issue for him now; he is trying to stop the clock so desperately. He is trying to change so many things in his life to make him self fell better.
When I look back I see that he has been withdrawing from us since Summer 2009. We used to spend evenings as a family and that changed. He started to go to his home office most evenings. He has a very nice set-up there with leather sofa and big HD Flat screen TV and the excuse to go there was to watch sports.
The anger, moodiness, depression, short temper, criticism and unhappiness with everyone including the dog really started when his affair started – in April 2009. I had no clue about the affair, but we did have more fights and I felt constantly under attack no matter how hard I tried to please him. We had few discussions about the way he was. He even apologized and said that he knows that he hasn’t been a very good friend and husband lately and that he feels down and doesn’t know why and that he will snap out of it. I even jokingly said, “You are probably going through men menopause”.
So now back to the affair. He met this women in one of his running clinics she has been married for 20 years and has two kids. He told me that he is in love with her and that they want to be together and that he will leave us. He moved out 2 weeks later.
This is a very long post and I’m tired, more tomorrow.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Welcome to the place nobody wants to be. But this is a great place. Sorry you have to be here. There are many wonderful people here and you will get some great advice. I would start out asking you if you have read MWD's books. DB and DR. As a minumum I would read the DR book. It is the basis of everything we do. After you read that there are great resources to read.
If you read this thread the fourth post down has some links.
I would start with the detach link. Although from what you described so far there does not seem to be any wild behavior. That is good. However try not to have any R talks with your H.
You need to take this time to start to work on you. GAL. Do something fun.
There are no quick fixes here. This is a long process.
Since no one is perfect...what did you do to contribute to this?
Pretty sure more of him is going to sound similar, not saying do not write it. I am saying writting about you is harder and better. AND something you can change.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
So sorry to see you here; this is one place you can get help.
You seem to already have a handle on what's up with him, as what you're describing is a man in the deep throes of a Major Midlife Crisis, now it's time to look at you.
He's beyond help at this point of time as he's on a journey that has NOTHING to do with you, and everything to do with him.
In that process he has set YOU on a journey that you will need to take to find yourself, figure out where you contributed your mistakes; and begin changes that will alter YOU for the rest of your life.
You didn't get a choice when you were set on this path that's not of your choosing, but you DO get the choice of what you want to do with your life..
The focus needs to be on you.
Read the resource threads here, ask questions.
Take care of yourself, get plenty of rest, understand that you cannot help him, he will come through when HE's ready, if he ever does.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
All of this is tough and I'm sorry you are going through it.
Looking honestly at our own flaws, imperfections and owning the contributions we made to get us here is perhaps the toughest part. It has been for me. It is also what ultimately gives you strength and peace (IMO).
I know your pain and my heart goes out to you. You're in the best place for this situation. Much good advice from people who've been there or are going through the same type of thing. Listen, learn and grow and we'll come out the other side of this the better for it.
I feel your pain and my prayers are with you. This forum has been a lifesaver for me and I'm sure you will find all the support you need to get through this. It does get easier as the days go by, though it may seem impossible to believe right now.
All I can say is read the archives and resources, take a deep breath often, and trust yourself. You were guided to this site in one way or another, so you are meant to be here. Don't be afraid to post your feelings, good and bad, as we are all here for you. Someone on this forum (or all of us even) will have had the same feelings that you have and will be there to help you.
Patience and time are your friend, though it doesn't feel that way, I know.
Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself.
(((HUGS)))
~ This Diamond now SHINES!! ;-p ~
My Sitch in MLC - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45253&Number=1901148#
Thank you so much everyone for your support, encouragement and advice, I truly appreciate it. I will take all of your advice to heart. I've been reading Michele's books and this forum for months now and it has been a blessing. Michelle's advice and your stories helped me to crawl out of the back hole I was in for months following the bomb. It took me a long time to find the courage to actually register for this forum and make my first post.
I know that my first post is all about him as jack-thee-beans pointed out, but I had to start somewhere. I guess right now I need to unload everything. To write it down seams to help.
Thank you all, please stay with me. I will continue to post the "history". I wish everyone all the best in their sitches. I will try to read them all and contribute my thoughts and encouragement. <3
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
