Robx, I didn't word my original post too well. Actually it's the OMs wife that is the CEO of the company. So he'll go groveling back to her with his tail between his legs if/when she finds out.
So you guys are all on the same page and think the direct hard-hitting approach is the best. I just wonder if I'd get a whole sentence out before she ran out the door. When she doesn't like what she's hearing she'll tend to run away. I guess that's alright...eventually she'll want to hear me out.
Hmmm, I've got some thinkin' to do...thanks for the advice, guys.
MICrazy
Me: 45 W: 43 M: 10 T: 15 S7 S3
My Sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...823#Post1942823
Robx, I didn't word my original post too well. Actually it's the OMs wife that is the CEO of the company. So he'll go groveling back to her with his tail between his legs if/when she finds out.
So you guys are all on the same page and think the direct hard-hitting approach is the best. I just wonder if I'd get a whole sentence out before she ran out the door. When she doesn't like what she's hearing she'll tend to run away. I guess that's alright...eventually she'll want to hear me out.
Hmmm, I've got some thinkin' to do...thanks for the advice, guys.
MICrazy
What's this when & if business?!
There is no trying, DO or DO NOT, I think I heard that in star wars LOL! But seriously, make a plan, and then follow through.
Remember no long speeches, the opposite, short & sweet, to the point.
It's up to you whether or not you want to expose the affair but the consensus around these parts is that when you expose an affair you remove the excitement associated with it (ie. sneaking around, hiding, secrets, etc.) and that does go a long way to killing an affair.
Will this work 100% of the time? NO.
But seriously, what do you have to lose? She's with the OM, you've done your fair share of losing already, time to expose the affair. If your wife goes batshitcrazy, no worries, you appear cool, calm, collected and confident - what was being done to you wasn't right, and you're nobody's fool. Never forget that.
So you guys are all on the same page and think the direct hard-hitting approach is the best. I just wonder if I'd get a whole sentence out before she ran out the door. When she doesn't like what she's hearing she'll tend to run away. I guess that's alright...eventually she'll want to hear me out.
Exactly how long does it take to say "I have decided that I am no longer going to allow myself to be disrespected in my own home, while my wife has cybersex in the room next to where my children sleep. You need to find another place to live by the 15th."
MIC I don't know if you've exposed yet or not. I have a feeling that simply exposing to her at this moment will not have the desired affect you're seeking so hold your horses if you can.
You have to come up with a plan.
1. You need to figure out who you're going to expose to and how much you're going to say to them.
From what you say, your W has crossed the lines multiple times. She is mentally checked out of your M and is pushing for D. I'm assuming that at the moment you're thinking that you can forgive her infidelity and you still want her. If this is the case then you need to move carefully.
2. You need to get your ducks in a row. I'm glad you have legal counsel because your L can advise you on the legalities of doing things.
Your W isn't just going to snap out of this the moment you expose to her and anyone else.
3. When you expose you should do a "Blitzkrieg". Everything should hit her at once within a matter of days.
i.e.
a) cut off all finances and credit cards b) disconnect her internet c) cancel her cellphone d) expose to OM's wife (this is a must) e) send her packing the day you expose to her f) cut off all unnecessary contact from the minute she's out. (i.e. go "DIM"... the only discussion should be about the kids and legal matters) g) tell your L you want to go for full custody h) you drop all pursuit of her i) you continue your 180's FOR YOUSELF k) you GAL the best you can
You need to blow up her fantasy because it is deep. Then you need to let her mourn her loss in peace (i.e. out of the house.) You need to paint as close a picture of what her life will be like if you do D.
I don't know how salvageable your M is at this point because of the multiple EAs and PAs. No one does. I can't promise you that all of the above will work. What I can promise you is that while she is living in her fantasy and the A's are going on you have very little chance of any reconciliation.
So... to sum it up... three parallel paths:
- Protect yourself and your family legally - GAL, 180's and DETACH - Create as much crisis as you can.
Good luck.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
MIC I don't know if you've exposed yet or not. I have a feeling that simply exposing to her at this moment will not have the desired affect you're seeking so hold your horses if you can.
You have to come up with a plan.
1. You need to figure out who you're going to expose to and how much you're going to say to them.
From what you say, your W has crossed the lines multiple times. She is mentally checked out of your M and is pushing for D. I'm assuming that at the moment you're thinking that you can forgive her infidelity and you still want her. If this is the case then you need to move carefully.
2. You need to get your ducks in a row. I'm glad you have legal counsel because your L can advise you on the legalities of doing things.
Your W isn't just going to snap out of this the moment you expose to her and anyone else.
3. When you expose you should do a "Blitzkrieg". Everything should hit her at once within a matter of days.
i.e.
a) cut off all finances and credit cards b) disconnect her internet c) cancel her cellphone d) expose to OM's wife (this is a must) e) send her packing the day you expose to her f) cut off all unnecessary contact from the minute she's out. (i.e. go "DIM"... the only discussion should be about the kids and legal matters) g) tell your L you want to go for full custody h) you drop all pursuit of her i) you continue your 180's FOR YOUSELF k) you GAL the best you can
You need to blow up her fantasy because it is deep. Then you need to let her mourn her loss in peace (i.e. out of the house.) You need to paint as close a picture of what her life will be like if you do D.
I don't know how salvageable your M is at this point because of the multiple EAs and PAs. No one does. I can't promise you that all of the above will work. What I can promise you is that while she is living in her fantasy and the A's are going on you have very little chance of any reconciliation.
So... to sum it up... three parallel paths:
- Protect yourself and your family legally - GAL, 180's and DETACH - Create as much crisis as you can.
Good luck.
There's your roadmap, right there. ^ I pray you'll follow it.
I agree for the most part with all the advice you've been given.
I think Gnosis provided an excellent series of steps to follow. I would be inclined to follow that advice almost to a T.
Tell her you know, and you know all of it.
Tell her that she needs to leave, as this behavior will not continue to be carried out in your home, next door to your children.
I think you can even express your remorse at the person she has become, the things she has done.
And I agree also that YOU need to then END the conversation.
She has disrespected you just about as strongly as she possibly could. To paraphrase Puppy, this is only about 1/100th of a percent less bad than had she actually bedded these men IN the house, instead of through the computer.
Disrespect is only shown to those who you do not respect.
It's time to turn that tide.
Oh, and then? Leave her be. Completely.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
BTW...I am in favor of contacting the OP/OP's spouse...My H's xOW was seperated but I did confront her and guess what...that whole affair fizzled out pretty fast after that...
Now, that being said, H did not come running back home...that is when the work on me started...I made my changes...GAL, spent more time with my kids and became the person I wanted to be...even though H said he would never ever ever be able to live with me again, or love me as a wife...well lets just say in a fewe weeks we are going to the Carribean for our 30th anniversary!
Finally...be prepared to be patient...all of this takes time...the mess didn't just happen...it is a progression of going down hill...we all know going up hill takes a little longer...so the time it took to get where you are, expect it to take longer to get where you want to be...with or without your W!
