How do I expose the affair

[flowmom]

The problem is, and MWD covers this extensively in DR text, when you challenge his argument, you prompt HIM to REINFORCE his convictions.

When He takes the position that he wants to LEAVE, and YOU argue for him staying, He just looks for reasons to LEAVE with more conviction than before.

I totally agree with the above.

I guess I'm wondering if we can problem solve on the issue of what is opening the door to these R/D talks that you and your H seem to be having on a regular basis. You are somehow making it possible for him to reinforce to you and to himself - over and over again - that he wants a D. You need to stop these talks in order to successfully DB, and more importantly to save your sanity.

What actions of yours are making it possible for your H to talk about the R/D with you? What actions could you take to prevent these talks (or texts or voices or whatever)?

I am lucky because H is not initiating talks like this so all I have to do is stick to not initiating myself. But you need to have responses ready that will not encourage R/D talks if he initiates.

I'm going to try some responses to some of the things that your H says too...don't know if they're on the right track but hoping they'd defuse things somewhat:

We need to just move on
-It's definitely a time of transition for us.

I feel like I’ll regret either decision I make, D or M
-That must be a hard place to be.

I just don’t see how we can ever come back from this
-You're right, we need to move forward.

What will it take for you to be done
-I'm making choices that are right for me.

You don’t really love me
-I can see how it would feel like that to you.

I can’t do this again, it will kill me
-We can't go backwards, only foward.

I’m confused and lost
-That's a hard place to be.

I’m a different person now
-I can see that.

I want my old life back
-Change is scary.