I can't have quiet alone time at home unless I shut myself in my bedroom and even then I have mom calling for me to come do something or Marc constantly knocking on my door wanting to show me something or ask me something. It's very hard to just get space.
I do find that I recharge better off group energy or just one on one energy. I was so glad yesterday that my friend called and asked if I wanted to go out for a late lunch/early dinner. That was nice and we had a great time talking, laughing, window shopping and sipping coffee at the bookstore.
As I've said before, I have so much inner turmoil that I know I'm not fit company for a lot of people, let alone any man. Knowing that doesn't stop my foolish heart from dreaming and wishing though. It's a part of my sappy romantic nature that I really wish I could just cut out because it does more and more damage every day. I hope and pray every day to lose that part and never locate it again but so far it hasn't worked. Ugh.
You all know that Gabe left me with every joint debt we created together, a house I can't really afford the rent on but can't move from because of mom and Marc's school, and he doesn't pay even a third of the CS he's supposed to. He has been consistently giving me $50 a week for the last 5 months or so well last week the amount was suddenly $42. What a strange amount! I asked him what that was about and he said he only got 12 hours and that was all he could afford. So, this week, what did he deposit? ZERO. Did he tell me he wasn't putting anything in? NOPE. No warning at all. I count on that little amount to pay Marc's school lunch and to put toward Marc's karate. Marc just came in the kitchen a few minutes ago to tell me that Gabe was going to come over and take him to 'hang out' with him for a while (uh huh..had he made arrangements with me to do that? Again - NO) but he's sick. Whatever. I couldn't hold back anymore about the money issue so I texted him:
M-I hear you're sick. Have to ask though, were you planning on depositing anything this week? I needed to know ahead of time. I pay his lunch from it.
G-Sorry I didn't call but I don't have money. I've been looking for another job since I didn't get any hours this week.
M-You need to let me know beforehand from now on ok? It's the very least you can do considering.
G-I will. sorry I suck.
I didn't reply to that last one. I wanted to so badly. There were so many other things I wanted to say to just blast his sorry butt but there really is no point. He really has no clue what I could potentially do to him legally. I could bury him for years in garnishments and paperwork. Of course, that's not really going to solve any of my issues and most likely just add to them so I won't do it.
I wanted to say, "Yeah, you do suck. You ran off to your life of ZERO responsibility and still manage to slither away thinking that I'm always going to just suck it up. Guess again. I'm finding my backbone and I'm not going to stand for it anymore!"
Now, half of that is total hogwash (really I have no backbone whatsoever, but he isn't around me anymore to know that), but it still would feel good to me to say it.
