Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Sandi -
She doesn't go to the basement until the kids are in bed. But yes, there is usually some housework still to be done when she heads down there, normally not much.

Yes you are correct, we don't see each other much during the day. We work in adjacent buildings and have meetings we both have to attend, on average one per day. Lately, we have added the gym two or three times per week at lunch. I don't disagree at all with the spoiled brat comment. It was never like this before...this is all since the WAW and EA hit.

Cooking/cleaning has become a shared responsibility once again. For the longest time it wasn't. But I have stopped that with putting my foot down. I'd say it is pretty close to 50/50. Sometimes she cooks, sometimes I do, and sometimes like on Friday last week, we did it together...

[gutwrenching]

Sandi -
Just something that hit me when I was rereading all the great inputs I've gotten today.

If the moods were more depressed, I would think she was going through withdrawal.....but the angry.....IDK. But I hope you are right and the fog is lifting.

I don't know either. I will say this. When in the throws of the unexposed (at the time) EA, I was wondering if W was clinically depressed. Since exposure, have not seen a single sign of depression. W has always had a short temper and anger issues. Wish I had learned years ago to call her out on those.

[CityGirl]

If your W was ever clinically depressed it is very hard to hide (and one will try and hide it, I know because that is what I did). Clinical depression is not something you just "get over" on your own.

As my psych says... there is a fine line between depression and being a brat. We all have been depressed but clinical depression is something much different and not a term to throw around lightly.

[gutwrenching]

Sorry - didn't realize that, didn't mean to throw around the term clinical. Was just trying to say W seemed to be no kidding depressed, I was seriously concerned. No longer concerned. Just a brat now as others have so eloquently put it, but not at all depressed. Have seen no signs of depression since about 2 days after exposing the EA, except when we were putting the dog down, but that is too be expected.

[CityGirl]

I wasn't coming down on you. Sorry if it came across that way. I think we all hope in a way (yes, I realize this sounds sick) that our spouses are clinically depressed because that has a remedy and a clear path to resolution.

Clinical depression is very serious and the signs are very obvious as it becomes too exhausting to hide them. I can say this because I lived it for a long time. It was a terrible internal battle with me because I tried SO HARD to hide my clinical depression it eventually manifested into a clinical panic disorder.

Sometimes I hear people say... oh, I am so depressed and I do feel for them. But clinical depression, at least for me, made tasks such as waking up, getting out of bed, showering and basic life things impossible. I became a shell of a person and tried so hard to "be normal" and get so upset when I failed to "be normal" the anxiety started. The more I tried to hide the anxiety the worse it became until full panic mode started. I became afraid to leave my house, go outside, walk my dog, ride in the elevator...

We *all* want a reason for our WAS behavior and so often I hear depression or bi polar as the answer. It usually isn't. At least not at a clinical/medical level (of course sometimes it is but not as often as people would hope in this situation).

[gutwrenching]

I think I forgot to mention on the cell phone account - just so happens that I had checked the cell phone records earlier in the day that the password was changed. First time in about 3 weeks I had checked. There were zero calls/texts to any OM, anything suspicious, etc.

[sandi2]

Hey GW, how are things going?

[gutwrenching]

Sandi/others -
I have been very busy and I felt I needed to take a break from here for a few days...focus on figuring more out on my own and rely less on others...just so happens that I made this decision about the time that life got hectic. I will update more in the next few days.

For now, know I am ok. I am about to travel for work all over the pacific. Know that W is coming out of fog and showing more positive signs than any time since sitch started; not that we are anywhere close to piecing, but for whatever reasons, fog is going away, W is much more relaxed around me, there have been no anger bouts in at a least a week or more.

Also remember the crisis of the job in Hawaii...thought that had passed and wasn't a concern...nope, its back as being a potential move.

Next month could change a lot. Over the next 3 weeks, between my work travels and her trip to see her dad, we will only be together about 4 days. So could be some "interesting" times.
More updates later, thanks for checking in on me, got to go

[gutwrenching]

Sandi - you around. I'm travelling. Last night a short talk W initiated about potential Hawaii job back on. She wants me to burn bridges and tell them no way...I told her I'm still thinking about it, I have to consider my future since she is having doubts about our M. That I don't yet know what I want to do.

Then today she texts me: "Look I'm angry about the assignment thing. Stop texting me and we will talk about this when you get back"

I don't like her pulling the angry routine and trying to control me. Trying to think of best way to reply.

Initially I was thinking something along the lines of:

Sorry you are mad. We had a short/honest talk and we are still talking. I am still listening/thinking.

If you don't want me to share my experiences ok, but please be civil.

thoughts

[Greek]

Unless your W can say, without any stipulations, that she is ALL IN, then the decision about the job YOU will take is YOURS TO MAKE. It sounds like she is keeping some commitment in reserve, yet trying to drive the bus on what you will do with your career. In a healthy M/Partnership, I would expect you to consult and accept contribution, to be considerate of the impact on your W. But if she still has even one toe out of the M, seems to me this decision is YOURS.

Let her get angry. That's her deal.

As long as she is not all in, this decision is not hers to make.
Greek