That's the time to get a family therapist's help.. a GOOD professional.. they HELP people who are confused and lost get back on track.
Originally Posted By: mb28
I don't think it will work
I think we are both feeling too sad right now to make that decision... we need HELP from someone who CAN think for us
Originally Posted By: mb28
We can't come back from this
I am willing to... But I am too sad right now to repair anything, I need someone to help me think... I want to be a better mother and a wife... But we need to see a professional... separate sessions with the same FT who puts our FAMILY FIRST and will NOT tell us to leave unless there is NO way she can fix anything.
Originally Posted By: mb28
What will it take for you to be done
100% Commitment from you to END contact with OW and work with a Family Therapist first... for six months.. if that doens't work, then I will explore other options, but our CHILDREN are at STAKE here, until we make a commitment to each other for them ANYTHING else is cruel to each other and these kids. ANYONE telling EITHER of us to leave the other is NOT being kind to US or to our CHILDREN
My friend's think I should give UP on you, but i love my kids and my family and I WILL TRY to save that If I can... I will try til it hurts.
Originally Posted By: mb28
If there was a way to fix this I would do it
Good, then lets find a GOOD family therapist we both like and find out how... WE aren't experts in healing marriages.. so lets talk to people who fix marriages every day...
These are drafts, puppy and others may have comments too... I am just writing off the cuff here so you have something.
Let me work on thse a bit more.. I want to see what others say too
The problem is, and MWD covers this extensively in DR text, when you challenge his argument, you prompt HIM to REINFORCE his convictions.
When He takes the position that he wants to LEAVE, and YOU argue for him staying, He just looks for reasons to LEAVE with more conviction than before.
I totally agree with the above.
I guess I'm wondering if we can problem solve on the issue of what is opening the door to these R/D talks that you and your H seem to be having on a regular basis. You are somehow making it possible for him to reinforce to you and to himself - over and over again - that he wants a D. You need to stop these talks in order to successfully DB, and more importantly to save your sanity.
What actions of yours are making it possible for your H to talk about the R/D with you? What actions could you take to prevent these talks (or texts or voices or whatever)?
I am lucky because H is not initiating talks like this so all I have to do is stick to not initiating myself. But you need to have responses ready that will not encourage R/D talks if he initiates.
I'm going to try some responses to some of the things that your H says too...don't know if they're on the right track but hoping they'd defuse things somewhat: We need to just move on -It's definitely a time of transition for us.
I feel like I’ll regret either decision I make, D or M -That must be a hard place to be.
I just don’t see how we can ever come back from this -You're right, we need to move forward.
What will it take for you to be done -I'm making choices that are right for me.
You don’t really love me -I can see how it would feel like that to you.
I can’t do this again, it will kill me -We can't go backwards, only foward.
I’m confused and lost -That's a hard place to be.
I’m a different person now -I can see that.
I want my old life back -Change is scary.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Ouch... no flowmom, some of those are OK, but many are WAY TOO OPEN ENDED for him to misinerpret
"we can only move forward"
"time to ove on"
"change is scary"
This all does NOT discourage divorce, it just reinforces it...
In my opinion EVERY comment should be STEERED to something marriage -friendly AND positive AND SPECIFIC/CONCRETE that can't be interpreted as
"let's divorce"
THAT is a HUGE STOP SIGN that you need to avoid at all costs... and anything you say that MIGHT suggest looking there should be kept silent... never said...
Positive, concrete, and HOPEFUL... that's the objective.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
