Oh one thing I forgot to mention. He had taken the kids shopping on Tuesday to get me bday presents. He asked on Sat if I liked the presents the kids got me. When I told him that I didn't get anything. He was very sorry, and said he felt really bad, I could tell it made him feel bad. I just said that it was no big deal.
Also, he found out that I had bought my own bday cake and arranged my own party with my family. That to made him feel bad. I just ignored him and again said it was no big deal.
OK,
1. NEVER accept a PRESENT or GIFT from a spouse who is CHEATING on you.. hes' trying to buy off his GUILT 2. NEVER tell your spouse "no big deal", "fine", or "I'm ok"... you are HURT, MISERABLE, and VIOLATED... do NOT act CASUAL... be CALM but DIRECT and COMMITTED
Do NOT wave off things and act casual, its sends the wrong message...
NEVER accept a gift from a cheating spouse... NEVER... TELL them OUTRIGHT you will NOT accept a gift from him while he's in contact with OW.. PERIOD.
When he shows or says that he feels bad, IGNORE IT.. say NOTHING... when you say "it's OK", he STOPS FEELING GUILTY
You want him to SQUIRM.. why would you LET him off the HOOK when guilt is pressing him? let him DROWN in it... THAT is PRESSURE to END the AFFAIR... don't throw him a rope and tell him its not a big deal... watch him DROWN.
if your children do something bad and show guilt, do you let them off the hook and tell them its not a big deal?
ok, good call on the therapists.. I would choose A as well, the other two were way too academic and impersonal based on their details.. and I suspect THEY wrote their own.
When you see the word "modality" in a description, they aren't writing for you, they are writing their resume... steer clear!!!
If you can put up a list of everything or some things you think he might say, we can give you scripts of responses, or in some cases we would advise you to say nothing, but we would need an idea of what you are wanting to prepare for him saying.
I read your points above about you feeling you were cold to him during the marriage, and yes once the affair is over that IS something you would have to work on... but while there is a third party acting to break you two APART, that wont' help you right now... he's just going to soak up all the affection he can get from BOTH of you and YOU will end up depressed and anxious...
He DOES need to hear a positive message that you DO want your marriage to be saved and that it CAN be... and that you CAN do the work of being a better person for him... but it CAN'T come from YOU... you can't manage that right now, and HE is just going to argue with you.
If he didn't bring up the text, I would take that as a positive... Did you thank him for going to the IC meeting?
THAT I would do if you have a chance... he will likley say something NEGATIVE about it, do NOT bring it up and force the thank you on him... just wait for it to seem natural. Say thank you, dont' GUSH, just tell him you AND your children appreciate his effort and hope he chooses to continue...
I would just let that pass and tell him you are considering going, as you have some things YOU need to work on... to change for him...
The things I posted early about the stuff he say's, are what he always says. He just repeats them with every convo we've had the last couple of months. Espically these ones:
I'm confused and lost
I don't think it will work
We can't come back from this
What will it take for you to be done
Here's a new one that he said recently: If there was a way to fix this I would do it
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I read your points above about you feeling you were cold to him during the marriage, and yes once the affair is over that IS something you would have to work on... but while there is a third party acting to break you two APART, that wont' help you right now... he's just going to soak up all the affection he can get from BOTH of you and YOU will end up depressed and anxious...
I would agree with this. People in affairs simply are NOT able -- not just emotionally, but even physiologically -- to receive emotional "deposits" from their betrayed spouse.
One suggestion, however, I give people is to try to let your husband see (or hear about from third parties) you acting in a "180" way (in this case, more loving, warm, romantic, whimsical) towards OTHERS. Your kids, other friends and family members, etc. "One thing I've noticed, Mr. MB, is how MB has really changed lately. Why just the other day, she was _________ . "
Trust me, word of how the betrayed spouse is doing will almost ALWAYS find its way back to the cheating spouse; often times, they are SEEKING it.
