The thing is, he's just sharing his mood with you.
You can't take what he's saying as an argument or an invitation to FIX things... forgive me for saying this ladies, but right now he's acting like a woman, in the respect that he WANTS to share his FEELINGS with you, but he JUST wants you to LISTEN, and offer sympathy.
I am NOT recommending you DO this, you should NOT be contacting him at all.
However. If you ARE cornered, try to prompt him positively.
If he says he wants a divorce and you HAVE to say something...
"Don't you love us anymore? You want to divorce your family? Is there NOTHING about us you like anymore?
Asking QUESTIONS that force him to think POSITIVELY is going to be a LOT HEALTHIER an experience for him than arguing and accepting his bait to fight... and he WILL bait you.
I don't recommend you speak with him because I honestly don't think you are in the shape to manage a convo that ends good right now. I think you are BOTH prone to your impulses right now and its NOT a good thing for you two to be talking right now. ONE of you will say something and the OTHER will SNAP eventually and all the hard work of NOT fighting will go out the window.
If YOU think you can keep COMPLETE CONTROL of yourself at ALL times I would say go for it... but I have no confidence that's possible right now... You can't even keep from picking up the phone when he calls!
Admittedly, this is a LOT easier for men to do than women...
Your FREIND needs to STOP thinking about helping HIM... she's helping YOU.. as LONG as YOU want your MARRIAGE... she's helping YOU... not HIM. Not to mention she's keeping children from becoming children of divorce... its NOT a healthy way for kids to grow up.
Your friend needs to look at EVERYONE and the BIG PICTURE here...
Your friend is likley letting her impulses control HER too... SOMEONE OVER THERE needs to CONTROL themselves enough to do some REPAIR work.. if YOU can't control yourself, your friend can't control herself, AND your husband can't control HIMSELF... how do you expect things to get better?
I realise your friend wants to help, I realise they hate seeing him hurt you and his children, but SHUTTING HIM OUT sends him to the OTHER WOMAN to talk... If she CARES about YOU, and YOU want him back, being a friend to YOU, means talking to HIM. But talkign to him in a way to prompt him to attend a family therapist session...
----------------
NOW... family therapy is a VERY delicate business... you MUST KNOW BEFORE your husband is exposed to a FT what they are going to DO and what they are going to SAY?
Did YOU WATCH the guerilla divorce busting video I put up for you? I suspect you haven't? WATCH THAT... PLEASE... get your FRIEND to watch it... PLEASE get your friend to watch it... ALL of it.
You need a therapist that will THINK and DO what MWD does in that video OK?
You CAN'T TRUST a CLINIC to FIX him BLINDLY...
Most people have a mechanic they befriend for their car. Most people don't trust just ANYONE to tinker with their car. I will use that as an example... would you trust just ANYONE with your marriage simply becuase they have a degree?
Of COURSE you wouldnt'.. so, since you can't TRUST, you must EVALUATE yourself directly.. go to a FT session and get a sense of who this person IS.
Make SURE they are going to HELP and NOT say something NEGATIVE that will drive your H AWAY.
You CANNOT in ANY way trust someone you haven't MET yourself OK? I can't stress that enough.
YOU need to start seeing a FT yourself... you don't need to tell your H about it, he won't receive that well right now. Once you find a REALLY GOOD ONE.. ask the FT to put a HAND WRITTEN INVITE to your H on their business card, and LEAVE the card for your H to pick up... or whatever. Don't give it to him in person, its too much PRESSURE.. just leave it for him, let him pick it up voluntarilly.
But YOU need to start sessions with FT until you find a good one you like and your H will like. It WILL help you to go anyhow... AND its also research for you... its good stuff...
McQuade and maybe Hollonbeck from the list you gave me are the ONLY two I would even BOTHER meeting there... the rest are fixated on analysis.. you don't WANT an ANALYST, you want a THERAPIST...
Therapists TREAT problems Analysts just EXAMINE AND DIAGNOSE
Look at the research interests they have... that's KEY... you can't MEET every FT out there, so you need to learn to evaluate their interests ahead of time to weed out the QUACKS.. you dont' have TIME to interview them all for an hour.... I got rid of a LOT in the list you sent, I picked TWO that I had some confidence in... and even THEM i would want to meet before I sent my Husband to talk to them.
They MUST do the following :
1. Put marriage FIRST 2. DENOUNCE emotional infideltiy AND physical infidelity 3. TREAT Infidelity as an ADDICTION 4. Understand that people in marital crisis who want to LEAVE : a) Are NOT in an emotional state where they should be making ANY drastic changes in their life b) Need to be prompted to a healthier state safely
These THREE are KEY. If the THerapist can't commit to these, DROP THEM.
Michele Davis has some good amterial here on evaluating therapists... and AGAIN that VIDEO I put UP is GREAT .. it talks extensively about finding a GOOD FAMILY therapist... PLEASE watch the VIDEO.
