1. I don't see how we can come back from THIS.... the THIS is his affair 2. I am a different person now.. meaning he's with someone ELSE now
He's confessing in the subtext
For the most part, this is an expression of his MOOD.
The problem is, and MWD covers this extensively in DR text, when you challenge his argument, you prompt HIM to REINFORCE his convictions.
When He takes the position that he wants to LEAVE, and YOU argue for him staying, He just looks for reasons to LEAVE with more conviction than before.
Its a natural reaction. If you tell someone to STAY put, the immediate reaction is for them to MOVE... or to look for a REASON to move...
I think you understand how pressuring him to STAY really just makes his convictions to leave stronger.
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It's just his mood talking though, his impulses have taken over and his ability to make good judgement is taking a nap right now.
People in his state in my opinion should be put in a hospital and put on anti-depressants for three months, only allowing family members visitation rights. BUT, I also think OP should be put up on criminal charges, so I may be a bit on the aggressive side against infidelity.. there are those on this forum who are a lot more forgiving of the OP, and a lot more confident about a WS's judgement than I am.
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When you throw reasons at him to stay, he will just dig into his brain for reasons to leave all the more earnestly...
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The most effective method is a third party prompting HIM to find the positives :
MARRIAGE-FRIENDLY FRIEND : I understand you want to leave, but you have some hesitancy still?
HUSBAND : I feel I will make a mistake either way...
MARRIAGE-FRIENDLY FRIEND : So, what's keeping you from leaving?
HUSBAND : I love my family
MARRIAGE-FRIENDLY FRIEND : Hmmm... That is a commitment that's hard to walk away from, particularly if they love you... do you think they do?
HUSBAND : Yes, that's a big part of the problem...
MARRIAGE-FRIENDLY FRIEND : What else is keeping you from leaving?
HUSBAND : I am married, I am a husband, I made a commitment ... That should mean something...
MARRIAGE-FRIENDLY FRIEND : Your integrity is important to you, I can see that... And leaving would violate that surely... Do you think it will hurt if you leave?
HUSBAND : It would hurt me, my wife, and my children if I left and divorced. I don't want to put anyone through that...
MARRIAGE-FRIENDLY FRIEND : They will still be around, you can visit your kids still I am sure....
HUSBAND : That's not the same... I want to be a father. I should be THERE in the home they are in while they grow up. These are my children...
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You see how this person can PROMPT him to think POSITIVELY about his marriage? THIS is what a family therapist should be doing... NOT analyzing his behaviour, that's psychoanalysis and that's NOT what he needs, he needs a family therapist to walk him out of his impulses to get his senses taking control again.
Notice there wasn't any argument. There wasn't ANY talk about what's keeping him OUT of his marriage. We just prompt him to dig up positives so they float up to the surface again... and you KEEP doing that... and eventually his MOOD will improve, he will FEEL more positive about his marriage...
THIS, along with YOU not ARGUING with him, being CALM at ALL TIMES and NOT getting emotional or taking up fights with him when he baits you... THAT is the key to recovery here.
I am not a professional, but I have read enough case studies and seen enough video footage to see how that's done.
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Your H really needs a strong positive influence who can do the script above with him... I was HOPING this IC would, but she's not a family therapist, so I don't expect much, I don't know why he chose her in the first place, but again, we already concluded that his judgement is clouded right now.
Do you think he might be willing to see a FT that you select for both of you? See someone that will talk to BOTH of you separately and try to resolve some of your differences?
THAT in my opinion is what you need and what HE needs... The only one I saw in that list you gave me that looked like she would try that approach is Shannon McQuade, the rest looked like psychoanalysts without the slightest idea how wayward mindsets work. IC's treat mood INDIVIDUALLY, they don't treat a FAMILY as a UNIT. You need a FT that will treat the WHOLE FAMILY together as a GROUP...
A FT's goal is NOT to treat one person's anger and examine it, but to treat the family and get them FUNCTIONAL again.
I have confidence and am optimistic that your H CAN be brought back with this approach... some H's here I don't have confidence in, but this one I do ... That's why I post.
I wish I could do more, but you need to find a GOOD family therapist to talk him off the ledge he's dancing on. He doesn't have to talk to YOU, just a FT who will put the family first and try to get you all functioning as a family again. WITHOUT NEGATIVE psychobabble that will just drive your H away.
