Long after this drama has blown over, you'll never regret putting your children first. If you're unsure about what that would look like in this sitch, consult a professional who specializes in helping children through divorce.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I HOPE you can see he's baiting you for an argument there...
I strongly suspect that's not what the counsellor told him... But we don't KNOW since its not the same one as YOU see?
There's no way to tell if he's getting the right input because he's going elsewhere... we are shut out of that loop. :|
Don't sweat his comments... He's reacting from ONE session... I suppose its possible his counsellor was NOT tactful to the wayward mindset he's in... she's not an expert in this area as I pointed out... But I would be surprised if his C would have edged him in that direction at all, let alone this early on...
I suspect he's MISINERPRETING something she said or didn't say.
We will have to wait to see how he handles things, I really wish he had someone he could talk to that you could trade notes with... I really hate that he's going to people we have no means of contacting... its not constructive.. we have no idea what he's being told or not told.
If you CAN get your friend to talk to him or someone to help him realize how cowardly he's being by filing it would help a lot.
I am sorry he' said what he did say... I understand how unpleasant that was to hear... but I suspect there was a LOT of other things that he was told that he chose to ignore and focussed on that one thing... if I were counselling him I never would have said that in the first place. It's just as destructive.
He really is drowining out there and needs a positive influence on him right now... If I were there, I would have been happy to meet him for a drink and give him a heart to heart... he really needs that, its sad the one influence that has the most impact on him (his father) is completley ignorant and useless.
I have been thinking about this one all day off and on.
What I am trying to figure out is :
He said he was going to file to :
a. Provoke an argument to JUSTIFY filing b. Provoke emotional response to justify NOT filing
To be honest, given he's wayward and moody, very likely both.
I am wondering if maybe sending a text ONE WAY saying
"I don't WANT to file, don't you think its rude to file on your wife without even considering how she feels about it?"
OR
"Have you considered the thought that maybe your wife doesn't want to divorce?"
The fact that there has been a gap between the texts of almost a whole day ... it might catch him off guard.
MB28 have you EVER said OUTRIGHT
I do NOT want a DIVORCE ?
I am wondering about this one... a nudge from someone telling him that HIS feelings are NOT mutual might help... I get the distinct impression he thinks they are mutual.
But, he may have just been looking for an argument to get an emotional response from you and upset you.
You see, when YOU get upset, HE feels better because its an implicit "I Love You"
When he hears "Stop seeing her" or "Just go away you're hurting me" to him that is "I Love You"
He NEEDS to hear that... its a FIX for him...
But once he GETS that, he's happy again and goes back to cheating... its a tricky situation.
Allen, I have told my H that I do not want a D several times the last few weeks. I wanted to list the things he keeps repeating to me over and over again when we have talked the last few weeks.
We need to just move on
I feel like I’ll regret either decision I make, D or M
I just don’t see how we can ever come back from this
What will it take for you to be done
You don’t really love me
I can’t do this again, it will kill me
I’m confused and lost
I’m a different person now
I want my old life back
I can’t remember the last time we were happy – I’ve given him examples of some happy times. However they are mostly with us doing things; trips, parties, etc. And he replies with “see we can’t be happy with just each other”
We’ve tried, and it didn’t work – I’ve replied with telling him that we have not tried together, it’s only been one of us at a time.
I’ve been miserable for 4 years – This is where I tell him that I had no idea he felt that way. And that he did me wrong by not telling me all this time that is how he felt. He agrees with this. However, he says that if had told me I would have gotten mad, and he just didn’t want to fight.
Some of these I respond too, but most I just validate with “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I understand why you feel that way”
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I feel like I’ll regret either decision I make, D or M
Quote:
I’m confused and lost
Have you considered that your H is in MLC.
The above quotes show confusion. Which is more of a MLC trait than a WAS. I have followed some of your sich and I know your H has had an A, of course if this is a MLC this is not unusual. I do not really like to jump in between WAS or MLC so if you think I am way off base that is fine.
1. I don't see how we can come back from THIS.... the THIS is his affair 2. I am a different person now.. meaning he's with someone ELSE now
He's confessing in the subtext
For the most part, this is an expression of his MOOD.
The problem is, and MWD covers this extensively in DR text, when you challenge his argument, you prompt HIM to REINFORCE his convictions.
When He takes the position that he wants to LEAVE, and YOU argue for him staying, He just looks for reasons to LEAVE with more conviction than before.
Its a natural reaction. If you tell someone to STAY put, the immediate reaction is for them to MOVE... or to look for a REASON to move...
I think you understand how pressuring him to STAY really just makes his convictions to leave stronger.
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It's just his mood talking though, his impulses have taken over and his ability to make good judgement is taking a nap right now.
People in his state in my opinion should be put in a hospital and put on anti-depressants for three months, only allowing family members visitation rights. BUT, I also think OP should be put up on criminal charges, so I may be a bit on the aggressive side against infidelity.. there are those on this forum who are a lot more forgiving of the OP, and a lot more confident about a WS's judgement than I am.
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When you throw reasons at him to stay, he will just dig into his brain for reasons to leave all the more earnestly...
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The most effective method is a third party prompting HIM to find the positives :
MARRIAGE-FRIENDLY FRIEND : I understand you want to leave, but you have some hesitancy still?
HUSBAND : I feel I will make a mistake either way...
MARRIAGE-FRIENDLY FRIEND : So, what's keeping you from leaving?
HUSBAND : I love my family
MARRIAGE-FRIENDLY FRIEND : Hmmm... That is a commitment that's hard to walk away from, particularly if they love you... do you think they do?
HUSBAND : Yes, that's a big part of the problem...
MARRIAGE-FRIENDLY FRIEND : What else is keeping you from leaving?
HUSBAND : I am married, I am a husband, I made a commitment ... That should mean something...
MARRIAGE-FRIENDLY FRIEND : Your integrity is important to you, I can see that... And leaving would violate that surely... Do you think it will hurt if you leave?
HUSBAND : It would hurt me, my wife, and my children if I left and divorced. I don't want to put anyone through that...
MARRIAGE-FRIENDLY FRIEND : They will still be around, you can visit your kids still I am sure....
HUSBAND : That's not the same... I want to be a father. I should be THERE in the home they are in while they grow up. These are my children...
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You see how this person can PROMPT him to think POSITIVELY about his marriage? THIS is what a family therapist should be doing... NOT analyzing his behaviour, that's psychoanalysis and that's NOT what he needs, he needs a family therapist to walk him out of his impulses to get his senses taking control again.
Notice there wasn't any argument. There wasn't ANY talk about what's keeping him OUT of his marriage. We just prompt him to dig up positives so they float up to the surface again... and you KEEP doing that... and eventually his MOOD will improve, he will FEEL more positive about his marriage...
THIS, along with YOU not ARGUING with him, being CALM at ALL TIMES and NOT getting emotional or taking up fights with him when he baits you... THAT is the key to recovery here.
I am not a professional, but I have read enough case studies and seen enough video footage to see how that's done.
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Your H really needs a strong positive influence who can do the script above with him... I was HOPING this IC would, but she's not a family therapist, so I don't expect much, I don't know why he chose her in the first place, but again, we already concluded that his judgement is clouded right now.
Do you think he might be willing to see a FT that you select for both of you? See someone that will talk to BOTH of you separately and try to resolve some of your differences?
THAT in my opinion is what you need and what HE needs... The only one I saw in that list you gave me that looked like she would try that approach is Shannon McQuade, the rest looked like psychoanalysts without the slightest idea how wayward mindsets work. IC's treat mood INDIVIDUALLY, they don't treat a FAMILY as a UNIT. You need a FT that will treat the WHOLE FAMILY together as a GROUP...
A FT's goal is NOT to treat one person's anger and examine it, but to treat the family and get them FUNCTIONAL again.
I have confidence and am optimistic that your H CAN be brought back with this approach... some H's here I don't have confidence in, but this one I do ... That's why I post.
I wish I could do more, but you need to find a GOOD family therapist to talk him off the ledge he's dancing on. He doesn't have to talk to YOU, just a FT who will put the family first and try to get you all functioning as a family again. WITHOUT NEGATIVE psychobabble that will just drive your H away.
The above quotes show confusion. Which is more of a MLC trait than a WAS. I have followed some of your sich and I know your H has had an A, of course if this is a MLC this is not unusual. I do not really like to jump in between WAS or MLC so if you think I am way off base that is fine.
Oldpilot, ALL spouses in MLC are WAYWARD. That's part of the MLC is a drive to STRAY and DISTANCE themselves.
Diagonising the MLC further isn't a solution, its part of the problem.
This H NEEDS positive marriage-friendly influences around him, and the only person he is exposting himself to all that much is prompting him to leave. THAT needs to be combatted, not MLC.
TELLING a spouse they are in MLC does NOT improve things, it makes them worse.
Not sure where you were giong with the MLC, but I wanted to make sure MB28 doens't try to tell her H about it, its NOT going to help...
I am not pro-MLC exposure, I have never found it effective... its just a mood disorder and telling your spouse they have a mood disorder is almost NEVER received well... people don't like to be psychoanalyzed by their family and freinds... unless its good news.
