Calling out the Piecers

[GH31]

Mainly "are you gonna come home and f... my brains out?" That bothers me, a lot. She does/says that way too often.

Huh?

Do you love your wife?

I'm assuming you do.

So, love her in the way she wants to be loved and not in the way you want to love her...

Get yourself home, take her and f... her brains out!!!!

She will love you for it!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm with the others. Behind every Nice Girl is a little bit o' dirtygirl, waiting to come out.

Puppy

[mishka422]

Yeah, and she's comfortable enough with herself to actually say it! Go for it man...wth are you waiting for. Trust me, I never had the courage to say it out loud and that could have been part of my undoing. Give the woman exactly what she wants Dylan...she's telling you!!

[reconcilled]

Ok, I agree with the above to a certain extent....but it still is YOUR comfort level. Albeit, when in this process, the sensitivity level is a bit heightened.

[dday101798]

I'm with ya'll and mostly reconcilled is on-board with how I feel. I do, from time to time get that 'spunk' and am comfortable with it, but, a majority of the time, I am not, for some reason it just feels trashy in my mindset.

As said, this has been an issue before, and dealt with before and we tried different things here and there and things were great.

Does it mean I love the woman any less, absolutely not, that is the most absurd thing I've ever heard in my life.

I guess when life stops throwing challenges at us and especialy our own place, there is plenty of room to work on this.

That's if we get there.

Reason A for me saying that: I don't know what it is, but ever since getting back together, I just don't have any stamina for her. I don't know if it's the 'excitement' of thinking, "I'm making love with my wife again" or what. I've tried to talk with her about it, but she's been rather quiet about it and says "it's ok".

Reason B and most importantly a new development that may just shut everything down:

I've been battling a cold all week long that has left me stuffy and unable to breath through my nose for the majority of the time. This especially does not help my already bad snoring at night.

Well last night after a rough night with both boys, (x)W jsut wanted to lay down and watch some TV and relax. After I had cleaned up everything from dinner I asked her if she wanted to have a cigarette with me before getting settled in. She said no and begged me not to either and just stay with her, and I did. Both of us ended up falling asleep while cuddling for an hour or so.

At some point in the middle of night, I awoke to (x)W taking her coat off and coming back to bed. Said she was having trouble sleeping saying I was snoring too loud for her and breathing erraticly and had her worried. I apologized and let her sleep in a bit this morning while I showered and what not.

And here's where the fit hit the shan.

I woke (x)W up this morning after my shower as requested by her, but it was apparently a bit on the late side for her and she was mad. Sooooo, I woke S11 up and told him to please find his own clothes and stay out of mom's way because she's mad that I let her sleep in after I had kept her up all night. S11's response? "No, she didn't sleep all night because she went out with [catalyst friend]".

So when (x)W was up and moving about and came to get her cup of coffee, I casually with no attitude or anything asked her 'when did you go out with [catalyst friend]?'. (x)W explodes and goes on the defensive saying that she told me she was "going out" but didn't go out and jsut sat out in front in [catalyst's friend's] truck for about an hour.

This is alarming. This is shades of her behavior before the A was exposed. She knows that if you don't wake me up just right, you could tell me the house is on fire and I'll simply say "ok honey, thanks" and go right back to sleep as I'm not really awake. She claims she told me when she 'woke me up' that she was going to hang out for a a little bit.

I don't know what to think. She blew up about it, I was calm. She later apologized saying that if I hadn't yelled at her about it, she wouldn't have exploded. I said I didn't yell, and especially on the subject at hand, she'd KNOW when I'm yelling.

Why blow up about it? Why be so defensive of something that is supposed to be nothing? I asked her that very question and all she could say was if I hadn't "yelled at her" (which I didn't at all), she wouldn't be.

I'm pretty nerved right now.

[reconcilled]

D......

Can not speculate on the "actual" events of what she did. But, that is a clear violation of the boundary thing. In MY book at least.

I am all for the own interests and maintaining individuality, but those are for NORMAL relationships. You (and all of us on this board) do not have a NORMAL relationship. You know this, I know this, everyone here knows this. But, she does not know this.

IF I were in your shoes (and it's always easier to offer advice not being in the situation at the moment), even if the discussion is ovre, I would strongly recommend revisiting the boundaries with her. She may not wish to hear it, but if you guys are to have a fighting chance, then she needs to know.

From the outside perspective, there is still a lot of drama going on and I still encourage you to write the list of steps with the xw and counquer one at a time.

[karen43]

Hey, D, I've been checking on you sometimes. Don't have much to offer other than my support as I've never gone through piecing. I do think from stuff you've shared about your XW, it seems like she is a partier to some extent. I think she could work on that maybe, for your kids' sakes, but at some point I think you may have to expect that is a part of her, and accept that if you want to continue with her...

[GH31]

I woke (x)W up this morning after my shower as requested by her, but it was apparently a bit on the late side for her and she was mad. Sooooo, I woke S11 up and told him to please find his own clothes and stay out of mom's way because she's mad that I let her sleep in after I had kept her up all night. S11's response? "No, she didn't sleep all night because she went out with [catalyst friend]".

So when (x)W was up and moving about and came to get her cup of coffee, I casually with no attitude or anything asked her 'when did you go out with [catalyst friend]?'. (x)W explodes and goes on the defensive saying that she told me she was "going out" but didn't go out and jsut sat out in front in [catalyst's friend's] truck for about an hour.

This is alarming. This is shades of her behavior before the A was exposed. She knows that if you don't wake me up just right, you could tell me the house is on fire and I'll simply say "ok honey, thanks" and go right back to sleep as I'm not really awake. She claims she told me when she 'woke me up' that she was going to hang out for a a little bit.

Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies.

She later apologized saying that if I hadn't yelled at her about it, she wouldn't have exploded. I said I didn't yell, and especially on the subject at hand, she'd KNOW when I'm yelling.

Why blow up about it? Why be so defensive of something that is supposed to be nothing?

Control, control, control, control, control.

Let's face it, who's in a good mood when they're busted lying through their teeth?

I asked her that very question and all she could say was if I hadn't "yelled at her" (which I didn't at all), she wouldn't be.

Blame shifting and avoidance of all responsibility.

I'm pretty nerved right now.

I understand completely and would be pretty riled myself.

Check out this wonderful thread by Coach on boundaries and be strong.

Sorry that you've had to deal with this mate.

[dday101798]

Thanks all.

Yes Karen, she is without question a "partier". I re-addressed the issue again Friday night. (x)W called truce by her and I cleaned up an area in tha basment for her and her firends to "hang out" at. IT was easier at 'our house' isnce the entire basement was essentially a private bar, by our own design.

Reconcilled and GH, I hear ya guys. This mornign, the issues and boundries were re-visited, HARD CORE. (x)W does not has not and never will like computers, e-mail, whatever. Makes her feel "insecure". Well, this morning I got an automotac job liksting finding in my e-mail which in turn sent me a text message.

This sent (x)W on a tirade, wanting to know who is calling me so early in the morning and all that jazz. I explain, guess it was my job search engine and even showed her. She didn't care, I WAS IN THE WRONG. So, I got defensive due to her attitude, got out of bed, drank a lot of coffee and pined things through my head. When (x)W awoke, we went a full round on the matter. I have NOTHING to hide. I have NOTHING to validate to her. SHE in turn? Getss message from OM. Messages and calls from OM's sister. OUR SON randomly texts OM! She is back to 'sneaking off in the middle of the night. AND YET I HAVE TO LIVE ON EGGSHELLS BECAUSE SHE FEELS INSECURE?

Oh, hell no.

I retook charge of the situation. And didn't someone here just say blame shifting? Oh, yeah, she went right into that tactic, AGAIN. She went down memory lane some what 5 years ago to when an old, MARRIED with CHILDREN best friend from high school contacted me years ago and I invited her over to our house many of times to meet (x)W and get aquanted, but never did and this to (x)W meant something had to be going on. Which was complete bullarchey. Suffice it to say, (x)W's insecurity meant I could no longer associate with this person, as usual. Anyway, I gunned this crap right the hell down immediately. This is not about the past, let alone a past that her own presumption creaetd havoc when she then like now is so dead wrong.

No, this about now. This is about the constant daily reminders I get of what she HAS IN FACT done. This is about her hiding messages and calls, weither she answers them or not from a person she left me for. This is about her bringing a person into our children's lives. One (s11) who trembles, like this morning, everytime she goes off on one of her tirades on me, and yells at her to stop yelling at me (probably fearing I will just up and leave). Another (s13) who now gets into physical altercations with me, cares nothing for what anyone tells hin and is acting out in part because of a person sh ebrought into his life that had no business being there.

And she wants to hash ficticious issues she created in her own mind years ago, versus facing the CURRENT issues of TODAY to take the focus off this?

Ohhhhhhh, no no no.

I ended with her finally apologizing. I told her point blank , I have nothing to hide. IF I wanted someone else, I had and still do have every opportunity to persue another life if I so see fit. She is the one who destroyed a family, she is the one whose own selfishness acted out on the exact accusations she made up in her own mind I was guilty of. She is the one who ahs this person who has no business in our lives being a constant problem. And finally, she is the one who is starting to act and do the exact things that led up to to the demise of our marriage. Thus, I am the one who has the right to feel insecure, certainly not her.

It was a reminder to her, and mainly me, I am in the driver's seat here. I am the prize. I am the one who should be reassured day in and day out. And I am the one who has every right to be nerved, scared, and upset. It is her position to show me otherwise.

On a lighter note, intimacy issue handled, we a GREAT dat Saturday.

[WalkingMan]

You guys in relationship counceling?