Post any questions you might have to me here....

[cat04]

Hello HB,

I took Mach1's questions for what they were and answered them.
I re-read my post; and believe I answered the questions.

Yours seem to be a "fleshing out" of what he's asking.

Yes, you are correct, this was a “fleshing out” of sorts because I understood what sort of answer was being looked for in Mach’s original question, while you answered it very literally.

Although whether to actually wear the ring or not is something many struggle with through this, being married or not, is not the definition of “success” that we try to impart here.

Why you may ask, although I think you already know the answer…

When people first come to this place, they have this overwhelming need to try to save their M and they cannot see beyond that. They look for people who have come through MLC with an intact M and they look for all of the answers from them. Like they have the “secret” answer.

The truth is, they were lucky. They learned and taught many of us others and their sitches turned around and others didn’t.

The problem with that lies in the fact that MLC is a crap shoot…There are no guarantees, there are no right or wrongs, there is trial and error…

However, even those of us whose M’s are ending or have ended, there are many many success stories.

Being a successful person is NOT so much about what you do, it is about WHO you are and how you deal when facing obstacles and trials and what you become when you're finished with each.
That same success contains elements of an open mind and heart, with capability of seeing the good AND the bad...with the added components of being able to accept ALL that happens, learn from it, heal from it if necessary and get on with your life.

I and others here will completely agree with this statement.

The third question, the answer is NO, I did not wait until reconciliation to heal and grow; the growing and healing was ongoing throughout, in stages or I couldn't have handled my husband as he came forward.

THIS is very important for people to understand IMO.

One thing I have been very concerned with lately, especially since you returned to the board, answering things very differently from the way you used to answer them…
Is the journey of the LBS…

While it is our job to understand MLC, because most would not even ATTEMPT to endure this without understanding it…

Understanding that this is a journey for the LBS, that there are steps and it is a PROCESS that we LBS MUST move through if we ever want the possibility of seeing the other side and not REPEATING this, either with our S or with another.

I felt that has become very lacking on this board. In part, I am sure because of the amount of “new” people, people who are at the beginning of this, but the guidance for them to realize that they do have an opportunity before them and there are steps they must take has been a bit slack.

To share a little, with you, because my register date does NOT reflect my journey whatsoever…

I have now been through two crisis periods with my H. As Snodderly would put it, he “didn’t complete the first time, and is repeating”.

I started this dance with him in 1998. That puts me at 12 years. Yes 12.

As I have said before, when he returned home the first time, he hadn’t done his work and I had not done mine. So yes, we have repeated. My journey this time has been very much altered. Because I did take the time to heal and grow and to learn.

love being a "choice" just as God chooses to love, so we choose to love….

love, and how it changes it's face, never stays the same, it waxes and wanes, etc.
I've also spoken of attaining a human version of God's Unconditional love, and He is the one who bestows that for the asking.
That's but ONE factor in this..there are other things, such as reality of ones situation, the lot that's been cast, the burden that's carried, the decisions that are made, the deep hurt that's sustained.....plain love and doing nothing else, will NOT fix everything;

I also agree with this, love will not FIX everything.

The act of being loving, yes that is a choice. Love itself, is not. We do not choose to love our children (I do not believe you will find too many parents who say that they don’t love their children, regardless of actions), but we do CHOOSE to act in loving ways towards them. Just as we do with our S.

However, too many people here spend time waiting for THEIR loving feelings for the S to go away before they try to make changes. They feel like it has them stuck in some sort of holding pattern and they truly BELIEVE the words of their S when they hear ILYBNILWY.

Accepting that you still have those loving feelings, and that it is normal and that the S does as well, just buried deep inside, is important for people to begin their own journeys, IMO.

So telling them that their love for their S will end, which you have done, really bothered me. Yes that may be how it was explained to you and that may have been necessary for your journey and your understanding but I worry about the message it sends to others...

I have yet to speak with someone who is D’d, 10, 20 years down the road who does not admit that they do still love their former S in some way.

We can love everyone but NOT agree with their actions. Yet, that love may not change, because love, is NOT dependent on actions. God loves us in spite of what we do, because He chooses to do this. We love Him because He first loved us.
And showed it in a mighty way. He separates our behavior from His love for us as a person. We need to learn this as well, as this is evidence of Unconditional love.
No matter what people do, we still love them, and will let them go if necessary to keep us from being harmed through their actions toward us.
The Bible says He has called us to peace, exhorting us to let go if someone doesn't want to stay with us.

This is why the “letting go” is so important in this process.

The Lord also sends people and resources to help us understand so we CAN help ourselves. Without understanding, we cannot move forward, and stay stuck in our circumstances.
He will aid our efforts but will NOT do it FOR us; it is part of our learning.

I agree with this as well. Which is why this board exists.

The hormonal imbalance and emotional adjustment; while seen as the same are actually separated, somewhat. As Snodderly says, and she's right..you can go through Menopause and STILL have a MLC.

There is little Snodderly says that I don’t agree with…

That being said, yes we all will go through some sort of adjustment. Just like we all go through childhood and adolescence, we will all go through changes as we get older. It is part of life’s process. It is how we handle it that determines how horrible it will be.

Taking this journey, can help make other adjustment periods easier. Being open minded, being willing to face fears, learn from situations, and not RUN from them…

Life is full of challenges. It is a constant changing and adjustment period.

Knowledge, Understanding, Patience, Love, Time, and Faith…
Those are the things that will get us through all of them.

BND--Thanks