flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[Butterfly1]

ps - love the LIghthouse. That is really it!

[lea74]

Flowmom, My H screamed he wanted a D only 8 weeks after he moved out. When he first moved out he wouldnt even use the term we were seperated, so we jumped to this new position really quickly. Even after he asked for the D and he moved on it really to get everything legal, he still sometimes acted as if we were together e.g. intimate etc.

There is no timeline, only patience.

[lea74]

Do what works for the kids. We started with one overnite stay every weekend. As H lives 55 miles away, this became too much and my kids were really tired. (This arrangment actaully worked well for my H and I as we both got to share the weekends.)

However we are now on a saturday am - sun pm every alternate weekend for the next 6 weeks to see how the kids get on.

Our biggest mistake was going to fast. My S10 said to me just before his first visit, 'But mom we have only just found about this, it is too soon.' I just keep remembering those words everytime I make a decision.

[newmama]

I like how the doc that you linked to describes children's needs and signs of distress, but I don't like how prescriptive it is and I don't think that it necessarily fits our family.

Yes, the document just gives ideas. WH and I do not follow any part of it except the overnight visit. He sees S waaaay more than "prescribed" but at the same time I am not absent the whole time S is with WH.

I just wanted to show you something that lists the number of overnight visits recommended based on age of child, but I realize there wasn't research attached to the document. I remember reading that it was based on psychologists' recommendations.

[flowmom]

Fm, I am 100% with you on the security bond issue. I have not allowed my S to "stay at dad's" yet and I hope not to but H is bringing it up.

Yes, I can definitely understand your reasons for keeping consistency in where S sleeps.

I would love to send him that article, but he is an intellectual and will laugh off the source. If you can find something more "academic" would you let me know?

Yes, the article doesn't come from a place of intellectual authority. I think it's tricky to get into the "academic"/evidence-based realm though. There so much conflicting research about custody and what's best for the children. Most studies are mostly likely very poorly done and not statistically sound (typical for the social sciences). I would like to find an article that expresses my POV effectively, rather than one that says that my POV is supported by facts. Because that just opens a can of worms of other studies that say different things. Different advocacy groups have played a role pushing various research agendas, so you can find a study that supports anything that you want to say.

I think the email was perfect - rr's version even better. CLear, concise, non blaming yet firm. SEnd it!

I think I will but I'll follow Gardener's advice to wait until tomorrow. And look for a better article.

But maybe I should leave the article out altogether. I've been saying to H that we're not a typical family and that we need to make our own choices about what's best for our children. Other people's experiences can be useful to know about, but they are not necessarily a guide for our parenting choices.

[flowmom]

There is no timeline, only patience.

Thanks for the reminder Lea. Every once in a while I internally freak out and desperately look for something solid to cling onto.

Our biggest mistake was going to fast. My S10 said to me just before his first visit, 'But mom we have only just found about this, it is too soon.' I just keep remembering those words everytime I make a decision.

Also a good reminder. I am very aware of this as it all feels so sudden to me. My kids are showing stress and distress, and they haven't even had to deal with custody arrangements yet (H has been in our home a lot following many of the normal routines and there's only been one overnight). H is very impatient and tends to be very fast to implement his plans. I'm guessing that he's deliberately putting on the brakes for the good of the children, but his impatience will probably be breaking through soon.

[Butterfly1]

Well like I said, I loved the article. You know if reading stuff helps influence your H or not. LIke I said, my H wants hard and cold facts, which are often hard to come by.

HOwever, Bolby, Ainsworth, and the other attachment theorists they quoted are the originators in the field - very academic. (I got my MA in attachment theory). The problem the founding data for attachment theory comes from severely deprived orphans (eastern block cribs where they were left alone with little human contact) and monkeys (wire monkey research).

However, in my twenty years working with children, I find the "secure base" stuff is critical to a child's self esteem. I think my child is doing so well is that I am quite stable for him and he's stayed in his home. The question is, at what age and for how long is going away without mom appropriate?

Given you have a 3 year old and an autistic child, I would lean toward them staying at home with you.

[flowmom]

I guess I would like to see a sitch where sleeping at H's apartment is more like going on a "sleepover", then returning to their home base here. My children are very attached to H and he is very nurturing to them, but I don't like the idea of them being expected to live in two homes. H sees the routines as being independent of physical location, but I disagree. This is their "nest". Sometimes they've really resisted going to his apartment during the day, because they just needed "home time".

[newmama]

I just wanted to pipe up and say that if the schedule is consistent, the kids could get used to spending every Sat night at dad's and not be damaged.

[flowmom]

I agree newmama.